Monday, January 12, 2009

15 Credits and a Degree in Miscellaneous

That's what I'm taking right now. 15 credits, and I can tell you right now, I'm lost in about 2 of the 5 classes right now. I'm not sure if its because these are theoretical classes or because I just can't pay attentioin. Ok that's not fair. I pay attention 90% of the time. Don't judge me - NO ONE can pay attention 100% of the time - let's be honest.

I've got this one class though, its called Rhetorical Criticism. It's ok I guess. I mean I understand everything the professor is talking about, but then he's all over the place. I'm not sure if its th elanguage barrier or just his pure enthusiasm for the subject. Oh and he's got this wild black curly hair that's all over the place - he speaks with a thick French accent and he's Polish. All I can say is that he's very interesting to watch to say the least. He's a little weird looking, but oddly attractive - perhaps I just need to take a cold shower and I'm lowering my standards as a result of my personal drought....but I digress.

Too bad I didn't get credits for the men I date - or have dated. I don't know, if that were the case I might never graduate. It's like each man represents another course that I've either failed or passed and moved on from. When I graduate school will I find my man - like receiving a diploma? That would be nice, I could handle that time frame.

Recently though I admit that I still think about my last boyfriend and I'm not 100% sure why. I cared a lot about him, but even when we were together I knew it wouldn't last, but I still loved him in my own way. He wasn't the love of my life, but he was important. I think because I have so many unanswered questions about him that I still think about him. All of this is coming up of course because I had a dream about him last night. So weird too. I dreamt that he was moving into a new apartment, actually it was an apartment in a house of someone he knew. Anyway, I was there to help him move and I think I asked him about us and he apologized in the dream for being mean to me - which he never was. He just simply didn't want to be with me anymore - asswipe couldn't even tell me that either, I made that decision for him. One day I'll explain, or not. Why would I dream about an apology anyway? Do I need one from him? I'm not really sure. We emailed each other in the beginning of December, but I haven't heard from him since - perhaps I was looking for more closure than I already possessed? Perhaps I'm just getting lonely again??? I'll take that answer before I'll accept that I miss him.

And this is what I DO NOT GET MOST OF ALL.....I'm a good looking girl. I've lost weight, I have a pretty face, I get hit on a lot - but I dont' get asked out on dates. Why is that? Do I ruin it with my big mouth? Actually someone told me the other day that I look intimidating. How so? Was that a compliment? I'm not really sure. All I do know is that its never been easier to meet men than now, yet nothing pans out for me. One day I'll tell you about Gman - another complicated, and misunderstood non-relationship of mine.

I've been single before, I've done the NO DATE, NO SEX thing - actually that lasted 2 years, but now, I would like to have someone to hold hands with - someone to kiss at night. Yet when I think about someone physically standing there holding my hand, I can't picture it. I don't see it nor do I feel it. Does that make sense? Do I need to "visualize the future" in order to attain it? Close my eyes and see a man there with me....Isn't that one of those self-help exercises they make you do? Hhhmmmm food for thought. But then I think about school and my career and I don't want a man complicating it. I'm not strong like so many others, I can't separate my career from men - that's something I need to learn and I might have even mentioned that before. If there is a God, perhaps he's making sure I stick to my plan before a man enters my life. Maybe, just maybe there is a bigger world order working in progress before I can move into a relationship.


We'll see.

No comments: