Spumoni - Its the Flavor of All Months

In my short time here on nature’s glorious earth, I have learned so many lessons; so many important lessons that should guide me effortlessly through life. Things that should hold my hand and help me keep from making a total and complete ass of me; yet I still do them. Why is that? Why do I allow myself to make a jerk of myself even when I know what the outcome will be?

Because its easy – I allow myself that cup of ice cream I shouldn’t have, the extra glass of Mr. Vino when I’ve had too much, or to blow off a day of working out when I had carbs for breakfast. I indulge myself more than I should and it’s beginning to be a repeat pattern in my life. I wonder if Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates or Michael Phelps have these same issues??? If I sit and pontificate that notion, I guess they do because despite being on top of the world - Oprah is fat, Bill is an introverted nerd and Michael is a pothead. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

What has me thinking like this? What has Meredith been contemplating and turning around in her head as she sips on another glass of the blasted Mr. Vino???? (Mmmm another yummy indulgence).

Last week I emailed my ex-boyfriend (GASP THE HORROR) – the most recent in a calamity of men. He said he wanted to “keep in touch,” and I took that literally. So after a few weeks and when I felt up to it, I emailed him and told him that I found a job (finally) and that I was in fact taking a trip to Vegas like I was thinking about. Did I hear from him? No of course not. Why would he want to hear that I had moved on with my life while he was just as miserable as the day we broke up???? Silly me for thinking that he really did want to keep in touch –and they say us women are the hard ones to understand. Pfffft – whatever.

I’ve moved on – of course. I’m resilient and if you know one iota about me, then you know I don’t weep for too long; I push forward, and bounce back. I can’t help it. Why would I risk a moment of laughter to cry and be something I’m not? Sure I miss him at times, but I don’t miss the drama – I miss the good stuff that COULD HAVE been us. Not the stuff that really was. Big difference….and that is EXACTLY why I was able to move on so quickly – and Tracy thought I was being so resilient and strong. Nah, I figured out that we as romantically inclined “Twilight” reading women do that – we agonize over the “what if’s” and not so much the “what is.” Think about it. I’ll give you a moment to talk amongst yourselves.

Another reason why I beat myself up is because if I do meet someone new, I don’t know how to let it naturally progress. I seem to always want more. When I was younger, it was effortless – because I didn’t know what I was doing, and what direction it could go in. I hadn’t reached the multitude of hurt love could inflict yet. I just kind of went with my gut – and I landed on my feet. Nowadays, I know all the stupid directions it could go and how easily it could get fucked up, so I inevitably debate and I turn over in my head all the friggin possibilities instead of letting it flow and ebb.

Ahhhhh but that’s just it. I’m older now – shit I’m THIRTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD – I can’t let boys annoy me and pull my hypothetical pigtails. I’m ready to push on, do me (literally if I have to) and sigh with awkward resignation that life as I know it JUST may be companionly challenged.

I know with full force, and my friends who have seen me in action and survived the cursed woes of my relationships past standing with their middle fingers pointed in the air right alongside me can attest - I will always meet someone who wants ME to be THEIR flavor of the month – but I’m not looking for that anymore. This time I want to be the favorite of all time – the unquestionable answer to the debate of which is better – the chocolate OR the vanilla. Not some concoction of in-between soft ice cream swirl.

I’m my own flavor – I’m more like spumoni than anything – but that’s just it – who likes spumoni? Not only that – what man knows what the fuck that is?

Sigh…..AGAIN I resign to be just me - Meredith B. To love me and all of my own fucked up…. mixed up…. glorious…… tantalizing……strong flavors of Meredith….with a side of nuts of course.

Failure is Not an Option

It is not an option. I need to find happiness. I need to find it on my own and how it works for me. I’ve been through too much to allow more shit in my life. Again, I allowed someone in, and despite my gut feelings, I ignored them and got hurt again. It is no one’s fault but my own. No really, I get that. It has been pounded into my forehead, by myself, over and over again. But I trust easily and I am the forever willing romantic.

The good thing is I didn’t let it stop me. I was aware of the situation and I moved forward rather fast. Is that crazy? Nah, I think if anything it was proof positive that I need to read my gut more often. I need to just stop once in a while and make those tough decisions for myself no matter how hard they are.

Where did this all come from anyway Meredith? I’ll tell you.

Last week was just a rough one. I’m beginning to think that once a month I hit an estrogen low and then I get in a funk. Was it another break up….mmmmm maybe, although like I said, I saw it coming and before the official “end” I had already started moving on. Perhaps it was the fact that I graduated college – FUCKING FINALLY – and I didn’t have a job.

Was it so delusional of me to think I would go to school, get me degree and find a job? Isn’t that the natural way things are supposed to go? Oh that’s right, we’re in the life of Meredith and nothing goes according to plan. I do it all backwards and I learn everything the hard way. Thank god, I learn though. I will say that much.

Here I am, no boyfriend, no job, kinda in a world of limbo meandering about waiting. But that’s it – I’m not waiting, I’ve been taking the profound, “Bull by the Horns” and been looking for a job….and been out on the town looking for a man. Ok well not really. I don’t actually look (or hunt shall we say) for a man. I’m too old for that shit. I can’t do it anymore. They come to me – problem is, they are always so much younger. Urgh – I’m over that. Never again another too young man for me. I might look friggin young, but I can’t be with someone who hasn’t seen even an eighth of what I have been through.

Sigh….so Meredith is single again…..again. I knew it would happen. Oh well. But the job thing – that’s what is so killing me. Tomorrow I do in fact have an interview, but it is in sales and it is commission. I guess beggers can’t be choosers right?

Double sigh…..but I will persevere. I have no alternative. I must amp myself up and take charge once again. I must know that it will never be an easy path for me. I must know that is not the luck I have. I must know, that this too shall pass.

Shit.

Can we talk?

Let me say what I gotta say and then we'll be good.

I walk around here and get hit on or "looks" from 90% of the men in this place. Hell I've turned down half the team. But that's all ok and easily dealt with because I expect it. It's a fact of life in this field and it rolls right off of me like water on feathers; no problem.

And to some extent I'm even ok with what you said. You were drinking. I get it. Basically everyone was having a good time. Men usually confess such things, and this is no isolated incident.. But it's what you said right before that that eats at me. "I can't hire you because."

What is that??? I've been begging you for the chance to prove to you that I am smart and that I am capable. I've told you that you need to know that I can write a coherent thought and I am in fact a competent individual. Those…those words sliced me in two!

I was upset for a minute and then I realized that you needed to know something.

Perhaps I don't know adversity the way you know it. I'm not the first African American in your position and of your stature. I do know that I am a divorced woman. I do know that I can't have children. I know that I was once in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. But I survived them. And it might have taken me 12 years, but I graduate this summer, paid for by yours truly. So if this IS a dead end, I will find another route to get my ass into the profession of my dreams because in a long line of stepping stones to where I want to be….this is only a pebble. I hope you understand that.

I've said my peace and we're good now.

I will leave you though, with a word of advice. Texting an apology is not only a bad publicity move when trying to avoid real trouble, but evidence. Be careful next time.

Again

We had been mis-communicating for months. It was one strained conversation after another and something was always feeling "off" about us. Finally after putting myself through silent torture I decided to speak up because I could not go another day making pretend – the big elephant in the room suffocating me drawing all the breath from my lungs. As usual, we had just been on the phone together and it was yet more stupid banter with no substance. Immediately after putting the phone down, I grabbed it again and texted him (god I hate texting), but I wrote, "What is wrong with us? Why can't we communicate like we used to?" – To my horror he replied, "I don't know. I think my feelings have changed."

It was the answer I KNEW about, but the sword still slashed at my neck, throat, heart and stomach. He severed me. I didn't waste time and dialed his ass right there and had the conversation he was too coward to breach. We spoke about how the few weeks leading up to that moment had been unfulfilling, and how awkward things had been. Despite me trying to speak to him, I don't think I got a whole lot of answers. No - he still cared about me, no - he wasn't seeing anyone else, and yes - he could yell from the mountain tops I am an unbelievable woman. "Do you still want to be with me?" I asked. That's when he did the absolute worst thing he could have done……he hesitated.

GASP! Why would hesitation be worse than the word no? Because it meant he was a coward, it meant he didn't have the balls to say what he meant leaving me to stand in limbo like he been doing for so many weeks. But guess what? It blew up in his face. I've dealt with indecisive men before so I didn't give him the chance to respond, instead my self-preservation blurted out, "No, you don't get to answer. It doesn't matter what you say, you hesitated and I will not be with someone who hesitates. I….deserve….better"

It wasn't immediately about pride, it wasn't about making him feel bad, it was about getting it over with. If I had sat there and kept talking to him we probably could have resolved stuff – probably could have worked through it and tried to continue. But I had had enough. I was done trying and was incredibly upset because I had to be the strong one, the one who broached the subject, the one who had to end it all.

Do I regret saying that? No not at all. Actually it's the one proud moment from that conversation I take away with pride. And to this moment I don't feel wrong for feeling that way. The man I'm going to spend my life with won't hesitate, he knows blue and true he wants to be with me through any storm. The man I want to be with doesn't need to think, its instinct.

In recent days I've had a multitude of vivid dreams about him. Little things still trigger memories of him that ultimately lead to dreaming about him at night. I wind up waking up in the morning still feeling like I belong to someone….someone still loves me, thinks about me and wants to wrap his arms around me. But that's just it; we were in a long distance relationship so those things didn't happen on the regular. It has me believing that I miss the idea of him and not so much him.

To this day I still grapple with some things. I have some unresolved issues and normally I'm very good with introspection, but this one has me confused. It has me wondering why I can't exactly forget about him. He wasn't the end all be all, he wasn't even someone I considered spending the rest of my life with, but on the flip side, he never gave me a reason not to date him, not to be with him. Perhaps its just me being let down AGAIN, not wanting to believe that I let someone in AGAIN and they only hurt me…AGAIN.

Facebook Forward....Not So Much

I received one of those "Forwards" from a friend on Facebook – (God do you get this shit also???) – anyway I deleted it and ignored it because it only mildly intrigued me and wasn't enough to take my attention away from the other list of 50 some odd things to be accomplished in the next 24 hours. But as other people responded, I thought to myself – what would be the 16 things I want others to know about me? Should I talk about pet peeves, loves of my life or that I secretly like to pick at my toenails when I get out of the shower? I decided not to. Not because I cared if they judged me, but because everyone has a little gross thing they do in private. It just wasn't special enough. No it had to be more than just an idiosyncrasy so common it was expected. If I was going to take time out and sit at my computer it had to be things I've never shared. I sat for a moment and let it flow – my fingers began moving across the keys and a list flowed out of me – no effort. I'm sharing this here because when it boiled right down to it, I wasn't sure if a few people could take my honesty. Oh well, for my own purposes, its here now.

1. My hands are not feminine…yes they are small, but they look just like my dad's meat hooks.
   
2. I've known how to do stained glass since I was 6. Unfortunately I have not practiced in a VERY long time. Its something my dad and I spent many hours doing in our garage.
   
3. The first words out of my mouth when my ex-husband proposed were "you are so not doing this to me." That should have been a sign.
   
4. Which brings me to the fact that I have been proposed to more than once, but I said no. I do not plan to get married ever again. It's something I have thought long and hard about and most people do not believe me when I say this. For some reason they think I'm blowing smoke up their ass. Go figure.
   
5. I made varsity softball my freshman year in high school and quit 5 weeks later so I could become a lifeguard. Which I did for 2 years….but I made varsity again so no worries.
   
6. I can hold my breath for two minutes and have swam the length of an Olympic size pool under water. I heart the water and have loved scuba diving since my first time in St. Lucia. One day when I'm making money again I would like to get my license.
   
7. I can draw just about anything but find no inspiration to do so. Put an object in front of me and no problem – consider it done, but I can't make anything up from my imagination.
   
8. I fear nothing and I'm dead ass when I say it. I used to fear heights, but no more – I've overcome that fear. Three years ago I went through a lot personally and ever since then, I know I can do it all, see it all and be whatever I want because life only began after that. I admit, that yes I don't like bugs, but that's just because if there is someone else to deal with it, why should I?
   
9. I know what age I'm going to die. Don't ask me because it freaks most people out and I don't need to brag about it. I just know that 2 out of 3 of my premonitions have come to fruition – the last hasn't happened yet because it's the age I'm speaking of. I'm ok with this. No really, I am. I decided if anything, it's a push to live my life richer because what's the worst that happens….I don't die and I've done more with myself…….
   
10. …..Which leads me to this point - I have a list of 50 things I want to do before I die. I've accomplished eight and will complete a ninth by the end of 2009. (Scuba diving is on that list….then again so is being a contestant on "the Price is Right."
    
11. If there was one thing I could change about my body, I'd make my hair thicker. I like me the way I am – sure I'd love to lose 10 more pounds, but I'm comfortable just as is.
    
12. This is the first time in my life I am in debt, but I know that this too shall pass.
    
13. I owned my first house when I was 23.
    
14. I have no regrets in life. Not one. If I lived in the past, I would never see my glorious future.
    
15. The last time I lost my temper was in May 2005. I put my fist through a window and vowed to never allow anyone to ever get me down or get that much of a rise out of me ever again. So far, so good. No one, nothing is worth that much energy. If you think you can do it, go ahead try, most likely I'll walk away from you.
    

I will give just about anything one try, whether its food or friendship. I try to expand my horizons because many times in my life, I have done so and come out better for it.

15 Credits and a Degree in Miscellaneous

That's what I'm taking right now. 15 credits, and I can tell you right now, I'm lost in about 2 of the 5 classes right now. I'm not sure if its because these are theoretical classes or because I just can't pay attentioin. Ok that's not fair. I pay attention 90% of the time. Don't judge me - NO ONE can pay attention 100% of the time - let's be honest.

I've got this one class though, its called Rhetorical Criticism. It's ok I guess. I mean I understand everything the professor is talking about, but then he's all over the place. I'm not sure if its th elanguage barrier or just his pure enthusiasm for the subject. Oh and he's got this wild black curly hair that's all over the place - he speaks with a thick French accent and he's Polish. All I can say is that he's very interesting to watch to say the least. He's a little weird looking, but oddly attractive - perhaps I just need to take a cold shower and I'm lowering my standards as a result of my personal drought....but I digress.

Too bad I didn't get credits for the men I date - or have dated. I don't know, if that were the case I might never graduate. It's like each man represents another course that I've either failed or passed and moved on from. When I graduate school will I find my man - like receiving a diploma? That would be nice, I could handle that time frame.

Recently though I admit that I still think about my last boyfriend and I'm not 100% sure why. I cared a lot about him, but even when we were together I knew it wouldn't last, but I still loved him in my own way. He wasn't the love of my life, but he was important. I think because I have so many unanswered questions about him that I still think about him. All of this is coming up of course because I had a dream about him last night. So weird too. I dreamt that he was moving into a new apartment, actually it was an apartment in a house of someone he knew. Anyway, I was there to help him move and I think I asked him about us and he apologized in the dream for being mean to me - which he never was. He just simply didn't want to be with me anymore - asswipe couldn't even tell me that either, I made that decision for him. One day I'll explain, or not. Why would I dream about an apology anyway? Do I need one from him? I'm not really sure. We emailed each other in the beginning of December, but I haven't heard from him since - perhaps I was looking for more closure than I already possessed? Perhaps I'm just getting lonely again??? I'll take that answer before I'll accept that I miss him.

And this is what I DO NOT GET MOST OF ALL.....I'm a good looking girl. I've lost weight, I have a pretty face, I get hit on a lot - but I dont' get asked out on dates. Why is that? Do I ruin it with my big mouth? Actually someone told me the other day that I look intimidating. How so? Was that a compliment? I'm not really sure. All I do know is that its never been easier to meet men than now, yet nothing pans out for me. One day I'll tell you about Gman - another complicated, and misunderstood non-relationship of mine.

I've been single before, I've done the NO DATE, NO SEX thing - actually that lasted 2 years, but now, I would like to have someone to hold hands with - someone to kiss at night. Yet when I think about someone physically standing there holding my hand, I can't picture it. I don't see it nor do I feel it. Does that make sense? Do I need to "visualize the future" in order to attain it? Close my eyes and see a man there with me....Isn't that one of those self-help exercises they make you do? Hhhmmmm food for thought. But then I think about school and my career and I don't want a man complicating it. I'm not strong like so many others, I can't separate my career from men - that's something I need to learn and I might have even mentioned that before. If there is a God, perhaps he's making sure I stick to my plan before a man enters my life. Maybe, just maybe there is a bigger world order working in progress before I can move into a relationship.

Sigh....

We'll see.