In my short time here on nature’s glorious earth, I have learned so many lessons; so many important lessons that should guide me effortlessly through life. Things that should hold my hand and help me keep from making a total and complete ass of me; yet I still do them. Why is that? Why do I allow myself to make a jerk of myself even when I know what the outcome will be?
Because its easy – I allow myself that cup of ice cream I shouldn’t have, the extra glass of Mr. Vino when I’ve had too much, or to blow off a day of working out when I had carbs for breakfast. I indulge myself more than I should and it’s beginning to be a repeat pattern in my life. I wonder if Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates or Michael Phelps have these same issues??? If I sit and pontificate that notion, I guess they do because despite being on top of the world - Oprah is fat, Bill is an introverted nerd and Michael is a pothead. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
What has me thinking like this? What has Meredith been contemplating and turning around in her head as she sips on another glass of the blasted Mr. Vino???? (Mmmm another yummy indulgence).
Last week I emailed my ex-boyfriend (GASP THE HORROR) – the most recent in a calamity of men. He said he wanted to “keep in touch,” and I took that literally. So after a few weeks and when I felt up to it, I emailed him and told him that I found a job (finally) and that I was in fact taking a trip to Vegas like I was thinking about. Did I hear from him? No of course not. Why would he want to hear that I had moved on with my life while he was just as miserable as the day we broke up???? Silly me for thinking that he really did want to keep in touch –and they say us women are the hard ones to understand. Pfffft – whatever.
I’ve moved on – of course. I’m resilient and if you know one iota about me, then you know I don’t weep for too long; I push forward, and bounce back. I can’t help it. Why would I risk a moment of laughter to cry and be something I’m not? Sure I miss him at times, but I don’t miss the drama – I miss the good stuff that COULD HAVE been us. Not the stuff that really was. Big difference….and that is EXACTLY why I was able to move on so quickly – and Tracy thought I was being so resilient and strong. Nah, I figured out that we as romantically inclined “Twilight” reading women do that – we agonize over the “what if’s” and not so much the “what is.” Think about it. I’ll give you a moment to talk amongst yourselves.
Another reason why I beat myself up is because if I do meet someone new, I don’t know how to let it naturally progress. I seem to always want more. When I was younger, it was effortless – because I didn’t know what I was doing, and what direction it could go in. I hadn’t reached the multitude of hurt love could inflict yet. I just kind of went with my gut – and I landed on my feet. Nowadays, I know all the stupid directions it could go and how easily it could get fucked up, so I inevitably debate and I turn over in my head all the friggin possibilities instead of letting it flow and ebb.
Ahhhhh but that’s just it. I’m older now – shit I’m THIRTY FUCKING TWO YEARS OLD – I can’t let boys annoy me and pull my hypothetical pigtails. I’m ready to push on, do me (literally if I have to) and sigh with awkward resignation that life as I know it JUST may be companionly challenged.
I know with full force, and my friends who have seen me in action and survived the cursed woes of my relationships past standing with their middle fingers pointed in the air right alongside me can attest - I will always meet someone who wants ME to be THEIR flavor of the month – but I’m not looking for that anymore. This time I want to be the favorite of all time – the unquestionable answer to the debate of which is better – the chocolate OR the vanilla. Not some concoction of in-between soft ice cream swirl.
I’m my own flavor – I’m more like spumoni than anything – but that’s just it – who likes spumoni? Not only that – what man knows what the fuck that is?
Sigh…..AGAIN I resign to be just me - Meredith B. To love me and all of my own fucked up…. mixed up…. glorious…… tantalizing……strong flavors of Meredith….with a side of nuts of course.