Thursday, December 29, 2005

New Year's - YAY!!! Another Reason to Booze!!!


Was it a good year for you? If you looked back at everything that happened this year, could you say that it was for the most part a good one? I'm kind of torn because it began on an awful awful note, but as the year wore on and I lost 195 lbs of dumb ass (Ted), I'd have to say it ended rather well because now I'm not making the stupid decisions for love, or what I thought to be love. I'm making decisions that I like, I'm the person who I should be and I'll only continue to be that person. Stupidity is not in my vocabulary anymore.

This year will be the first year since I was 15 that I am single and ringing in the new year alone. Well kind of. I'm sort of caught between a rock and a hard place. See Trixie and I said we would spend it together, however, no plans have been set. We thought we'd head into the city but we can't decide on a place and plus, it will only be the two of us. Fine by me, but I'd rather be with a lot of people. Second, Jake would like to spend it with me. Although it would be incredibly romantic I'm sure, I'm not sure if I want to celebrate it with someone who I've only just met. Its kind of an odd way to spend New Year's Eve - well maybe not odd, but there is something about it that has me feeling a little cautious. I don't want him reading into it as a "special" thing and then WHOMP!! We break up. Does that make sense?

Before in a relationship I would want to see the guy nonstop. I would take this opportunity and make it something it wasn't. I would read deeply into it and now, after all that I've been through, I have my reservations. Perhaps it is better that I don't see him, you know, not dive into it and it become too intense too fast. Plus in all the hoopla of New Year's Eve, I will most definitely wind up sleeping with him.....(and that's bad why)? Ok, so there we have it. While writing this post I've made up my mind. No Jake on NYE.

However, if I don't see him Saturday night, I will be seeing him pretty early in the afternoon on Sunday - right after I have my liver transplant, I should be good to go. I think he's going to take me to dinner, not sure....I guess we'll see.

For all my reservations, I'm really looking forward to seeing him this weekend. Did I tell you that when he kisses me its like he's kissing me for the first and last time ever? He cherishes each kiss, just like I do. Physically, we are extremely compatible - OH NO - now I'm getting all hot and bothered thinking about him. Is it hot in here? I need a fan? Where's the air conditioning?

Breathe in. Out. Aaaahhhhh, better.

I have no idea what it is about this guy that has me all hot for his ass, he has been nothing but respectful following my lead, which is a nice change - although dear god, if he keeps kissing me like he does, I'm so going to rape him. Thinking about those wondeful hands - they can almost grab all of my.....

Uh yeh, I have to go now.

Tonight begins a weekend long booze fest starting with Girls Night Out tonight at the 101. Tomorrow night I will be chilling with my favorite cover band - Urban Trip and I have it on good authority that I will be performing as well. Nice. Saturday is obviously New Year's and Sunday is my date with the man. OH BOY!!!!

So big huge gigantic Smooches to all of you. Have a wonderful, safe and abso-fucking-lutely great New Year's!!! God bless.


Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Email to Trixie

Email to Trixie about Jake:

Ok, so he is 6’0", 195 lbs of pure muscular wonderfulness. I mean like WOW. No joke, we’re in the car talking and we start smooching and making out and then I’m hugging him and my hand starts to meander down his side and then down to his waist where I find the lever for the chair. Whoops, down goes Jake. So now I’m still in my seat and he grabs under my arms and LIFTS me up and slides me over to his side of the car. Um…..uh….yeh. That was hot. I thought me reclining the chair was hot – nope, he up stages me and does that.

I am telling you, this is kid is sensual. I mean I turned to him at one point because every chance he could take to hug or kiss me or show my any affection, he did. It wasn’t over kill either. So anyway, I look at him and I say, "You’re going to cherish me aren’t you?" and he said, "Every chance I get…..seriously, where have you been my whole life." So I told him, "Good things come to those who wait."

BUT let’s get back to making out….we’re in the car and I’m basically laying on top of him and we’re kissing and he’s kind of tugging on my hair and I notice he always keeps his eyes closed, so I coo softly to him, "look at me" – GOOD GOD – TALKING ABOUT OPENING THE FLOOD GATES. That got him so hot. I’m giggling right now thinking about it.

I needed that make out fest. He told me that if I were to come up by his place he wouldn’t take advantage of me. If I had to stay there the night for whatever reason, he wouldn’t try anything…..I was like, "Yeh, but I can’t promise the same."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh – who is this person and what has she done with Meredith?

Remember Those Days?

We were "that" couple, snuggled up nice and cozy in the restaurant booth, kissing, touching, hugging, forgetting the world around us. No hussle and bussle of the waiter or other patrons could have pulled our attention away from one another. Wrapping our thoughts and actions around us like a warm familiar blanket.

We've spent hours on end talking on the phone, laughing at stories, getting to know each other's minds and boundries, picking the other's brain for past experiences good and bad. Calculating the parts of our common interests, ideas and goals to see if they meshed well. We fed each other, we giggled at our silliness, we acted like 16 year old teens who had just found puberty. And I cannot and will not apologize for that behavior whether it was walking hand in hand while nuzzling my face into his coat or kissing on the escalator (or in the car, or in the bar, or in the movie but that's another story).

Wait a minute.

Who's blog is this anyway? This is Mer we're talking about here. I can't be writing about birds chirping and people singing? You come here for details and details you shall get dammit.

Let's get started. (knuckles cracking)

I knew the night was going to be a good one even before it started. I wasn't nervous, I was excited....excited because I had spent approximately 8 hours on the phone with him in the last week. We had really gotten to know one another and it felt good and it felt comfortable so I couldn't wait to get my hands on him, I mean see him. (Sheesh, where did that come from?).

We chose a mutual spot to meet and he shows up with a rose. Cheesy? Not the way he did it, it was clearly sincere and not "a move." We grabbed a drink and relaxed and enjoyed one another. We laughed a lot, we got excited a lot and then we made out.....a lot. GOOD GOD my lips hurt from kissing him so much. Fucking kid can kiss so sensually.....yep, head jumping material. We kissed a little in the bar, we definitely kissed all through dinner and then the yeh........what movie? I know we were in the theater, I know people were eating popcorn and I vaguely remember Jennifer Aniston on the screen, but movie? Yeh....nope. He couldn't get enough of me and the feeling was definitely mutual. It was ridiculous - it was good ol' fashioned making out. Nothing crazy, just lots and lots of making out.

Alright, so I might have grabbed something I shouldn't have, but come on, I got to check out the family jewels right? You don't buy a car without test driving it first no?


The car.

Deeper sigh.

He's 6'0", 195 lbs of pure muscular mind wanders as I try to formulate this into a coherent thought for you.

Um....where was I? Oh - We're in the car and he goes to kiss me good bye and one kiss turns into another and before you know it, passionate kissing ensues, his hands are in my hair, my hands are on the back of his neck, my right hand moves down his neck, lower to his chest (OH THOSE PECKS!!!), where were we? Oh right - down his chest, to his waist, onto the cushion, I find the side of the chair, my fingers hook the recliner lever and WHOOPS, down goes Jake. My bad.....oh The Cat was ever present. I'm leaning over the middle console and we're making out, but not sloppy make out, NO, it was so sensual like he was kissing me for the first and last time ever. I try to readjust and he lifts me - that's right, lifts me from a laying down position and puts me ontop of him....I was stunned and extremely impressed because it required little, if no effort for him. Like, wow.

And you know what - that's all it was, lots of talking and kissing....a little groping, but nothing raunchy or over the top. We kept the really racey stuff to a minimum telling ourselves that good things come to those who wait....and he's definitely willing to wait, problem is, I'm not sure how long I can. Whoop! OH BOY!!!!

Oh Jake....I'm so going to jump on your head.

What has completely tickled my fancy about the whole thing is the innocence of it all. Do you remember those days when it was all innocent? When it was ok to just like someone for who they were? To allow yourself to have a crush on the opposite sex with no worries about "playing the game" correctly. Do you remember what it was like to just kiss someone? Do you remember what it was like to enjoy their lips and their sexiness for what it was? Because I've forgotten. I've forgotten what it is like to just make out with a guy and be completely enraptured by them. I had forgotten what it was like for someone to want to cherish me for all my wonderful glory...for my mind, my body and my soul....because he likes all three and he enjoys me. He wants to know where I've been all his life. Strong words for today's day and age no? But I'll take it and I won't analyze it...I don't feel the need nor the urge TO analyze it. No analyzation going on over here. Nope. Do you remember those days?????

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas!!!

Fuck those who are bitching this year and using the politically correct terms - fuck you all. Its CHRISTMAS!!!! I raise each hand and give you the bird, I thumb my nose at you all. I say Merry Christmas to each and every person I encounter because you know what???? I'm wishing you well. I'm wishing you good tidings, I'm wishing you happiness and if I use the term Christmas - so be it. Damn me to hell for saying it, but that's my perogative and its only words people. Only words.

I can't believe how huffy puffy people get. Screw you. I was brought up in an era where everyone said it, now all of a sudden I have to change my ways??? Its not like I'm using a racial slur or anything. Geez people, get a life.

Anywho - this is my first Christmas since I am 14 that I will not be spending it with a significant other.....its ok, hold your tears. I will be able to devote myself and all my attentions to my family and not have to share my time with any family other than my own and you know what? I'm so happy about it. I'll finally know how Christmas Eve ends at my Aunt Margot's house instead of hearing stories the next morning. I'll be able to get ripped with my cousin's and my sister and poke fun at my dad and just about everyone else at the party and not have to worry about getting to my in-laws to open presents. By the way, Christmas presents are supposed to be opened Christmas morning - NOT at 9:00 p.m. Christmas Eve GLENN!!! Sorry about that, momentary lapse......

I'll be able to wake up in my old room and smell the sweet aroma of cinnabons and coffee Christmas morning. I'll open my presents in my pajama's as my parents look on and smile with happiness on their faces and joy in their hearts all while my dog will be stealing the wrapping paper and eating it under the table. And this year I asked for nothing because I am just that thankful to be home with people who love me. People who I know want nothing but the best for me. People who love what I give them whether it be a million dollar necklace or a card made from toothpicks. The people who made me who I am today....a nice girl who giggles a lot, laughs hard and loves big.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you are as blessed as I am to spend it with those who you love most.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Smile is My New Weapon of Choice

The story that I don't get picked up in bars can no longer be true. I can no longer say that men do not approach me in clubs and bars.....I think my luck is finally changing in that area and I'm happy about that because I was beginning to feel like a reject. Its not that I want to get hit on by the trolls that frequent many of these establishments, its just that a girl can use a little ego boost every once in awhile to know she's "still got it."

Since the day that I have announced that I will dedicate my "dating" life for the better good of woman kind by writing down my experiences, I have had a string of good luck with meeting men. Oh sure a lot of them have not panned out into anything, but the point is, I'm getting feedback by just altering a few things.

Remember that saying, "A smile can speak a thousand words," or is it "A smile can speak volumes..." Not sure - but anyway, normally when a gentleman (I use that term loosely) looks at me, I shy away and look the other way like he's got the plague. Since the day I committed myself to this book, I've learned that a small, shy smile is just enough incentive for a lot of men. How fucking easy is that? A few times in recent weeks, particularly this past weekend, I used said smile and sure enough, the results were wonderful. Had I not smiled my smile, Dr. Leiberman would be so proud, I wouldn't have met a really nice, handsome, funny, gentleman (yes I can use this term about him) on Saturday night.

I spoke about him the other day and I was a little wary because again, he lives far. However, he called me and we wound up on the phone for three hours. Three friggin hours - GOOD LORD, I haven't done that since I was in high school. And we spoke again last night for well over an hour - time just flies when your having fun I guess. He's awesome though and I hope I get the opportunity to see him again in I can jump on his fucking head! HA!!

At lunch today the smile worked, but I was at work and was completely caught off guard. So much so that I had to stop what I was doing at leave the lunchroom. I mean this guy was good looking, made eye contact and then wouldn't stop the eye contact. I was laughing so hard I couldn't speak. Then he mouthed something to me and I lost it - I couldn't take it anymore and I had to leave. It was so emabrassing. It was cute, but embarassing. I need to grow a set and get on it right?

On another note, Johnny Damon was just signed as a New York Yankees. I should have written about this before because I knew, the SECOND it was mentioned that he might become a Yankee (about a month or so ago), I just knew it was going to happen. I know that other teams were interested, and apparently Johnny is supposed to be a Big Boston Boy, but everyone - I don't care who the hell you are - everyone wants to be a Yankee. Is it the pay? Is it the ego that comes with the pinstripes? Not sure and I don't care what it is, everyone, given the opportunity and the right price will come over to the pinstripe side. AND I dont' care if you are Mets, Angels, Boston, Cardinals, or Cubs fan, at some point in time you all lose a player to the Yankees. Its a fact of life. I don't know how I feel about him coming to the Yankees because I was a Bernie fan, but he's getting old and Johnny is only 31. Let's see if he produces because if he doesn't, there will be hell to pay.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Oooo Karma You Sneaky Devil

Karma, O you sneaky little Devil you. You strike when people least expect it and you can be a total and complete rat bastard when you want to be. I promise, I will try so hard not to cross you and continue living my life by way of good and bad.

Trixie - sigh. When will you learn? I love you, you are my friend and I want nothing but the best for you, but why you don't listen to the voice of Mer when she gives you advice? Instead you pool your friends and listen to the ones who tell you what you want to hear. You'll never learn.

For those who do not know Trixie and her personality, I will tell you this, she is, how do I explain??? Well she's conceited. We've all told her that and she's said and I quote, "I'm not conceited. I'm cocky. There's a difference." No there isn't, but anyway, the cockiness tends to make her feel like she's an untouchable and that's not good. Plus, she honestly does not know what it is like to be without a man in her life. She is ALWAYS dating someone. That's just her. As long as I've known her, she's always had a man in her life. Correction, she's had men in her life. I am NOT holier than thou, and I do not judge her - if she wants to date more than one man until one of them is ready to say - "let's be exclusive" - that's perfectly fine.....unless they are under the pretense that they are the only man in her life, which is exactly what they think.

I've given her warnings, I've told her that one day she will get caught, that her luck will soon run out, that she is certainly playing with fire and her response is usually one of two things, "I'm not exclusive and until one is ready for a committment, then I'm ok. I don't owe anyone anything." OR, "I've done this before and I've NEVER gotten caught."


The first reaction I can almost agree with - almost, however, I won't say she was dating all three men, but I will say she was having "relations," and I knew that although these men did not know one another, nor did they even live anywhere close to each other, it was just a matter of time before Karma knocked on the door and said, "Time. Anti up."

Sure enough, the man who was in the forefront for her affections was clearly the one she hurt the most. He was what she was looking for, good looking, great job, own place, own car, lived in an exclusive part of NYC, showed loads of affection, was intelligent, spent boatloads of cash on her and her friends (me and Samantha) and he was crazy gonzo for her. So of course he was the one she hurt most.

For all her scheming she got caught in the stupidest of ways, on the phone while peeing. That's right. Peeing!!! See Trixie doesn't care if she's on the phone with you, me or the Pope, if she's got to pee, she goes pee. She was at his house, relaxing and she received a phone call and decided to use the bathroom while on the phone. Bad move - the bathroom is large and it echos - very very loudly. Second bad move was not turning the volume down on her phone. This guy is sitting on the bed right outside the door when her friend asks Trixie, "Is he the only guy you are dating?" In a very, "duh stupid question" manner, she replied, "Humph....No."

The second Trixie came out of the bathroom, his demeanor had already changed and he became cold, distant and standoffish. She was up shit's creek. She tried to talk to him and work it out, but he wasn't having it. He stuck to his guns. Let's put it this way - every time she says goodbye to him, he doesn't want to let go. He'll hug her, kiss her and hug her some more - when she left, he not only did NOT do any of those things, his good bye was, "Take care."


I certainly do not want to see her hurt, but I couldn't help but tell her that I had told her it was going to end like this eventually and karma being the bitch she is would totally hit her ten fold. See Karma doesn't come at you with one bad turn deserves another - nope, it finds something you truly like and it smashes it to utterly nothing. One bad turn by you is turned into something horrible by Karma. It happens.

To add insult to injury, this morning she got a speeding ticket. Good god.

As her friend I can only try to explain to her why things happen the way they do. She wasn't going to marry this guy so she shouldn't be so heart broken. She also laid out false pretenses so she can't get that upset at him for telling her to kiss off. She can however learn from this and choose not to do it again. Treat others as you would like to be treated. I never thought it was a hard concept. Not that I follow it to a "T" - but I try. I really do. We make stupid mistakes, we hurt people we shouldn't, but its up to you whether or not you learn from it and move on, or you can roll the crazy dice and get snake eyes again.

She kills me though. She really does. She's dating other men and one of them (We'll call him Mr. X) she saw only hours before this guy - and she actually told me, "I like Mr. X better than V." - so why o why is she making such a big fuss? Because she got caught and her ego can't handle it.

Am I being caddy or am I being real? Humph. Good question. I don't think I'm being caddy because these are all things I've said to her face. So I'm going to have to say I'm being real. See I hate when people do this shit. Its not fair to the person who is its being done to. Its not nice and its not how I live my life. I don't know, perhaps I'm tired of her whole life revolving around men - which is something that rubs off on me....a lot. I've never talked so much about men in all my life as I have in the last 8 months and I can't help to think that its because I hang out with her everyday and that's all her life is focused on. Its a viscious cycle that I'm trying to break. It took me awhile, but I think the first part of it is recognition and acceptance - isn't that what they say in therapy or something?

Anyway, I'll try to keep you all posted. V, the guy she hurt, is on MySpace and we've chatted a little - nothing crazy, all hi and bye shit and neither of us have mentioned this incident. If I get an interview with him, I'll totally tell you about it. Totally.

One last note before I go - I saw Bon Jovi last night in concert and it was ok. They used to be my favorite live act, but it left me extremely unsatisfied. The sound wasn't great and they played a ton of new songs and that's not what they've done in the past so it was a little disappointing. It happens. At least I got to chill with my big sissy and throw back a few and when I say few, I mean I drunk dialed on my way INTO the concert - not out. Yikes.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Weekend Update

Not sure if this happens to anyone else, but I get my best ideas for this blog when I'm falling off to sleep. Problem is, I'm so damn tired and lazy that I don't get up and write them down. Instead I try to memorize my idea for the following morning - only to realize I completely and totally forgot what I was going to write about. God I hate that because I had a great idea last night but I can't remember it.....probably because I am still recovering from the weekend.

Thursday evening you know that I went shopping with my good friend B. Instead of writing a play by play - I'll just give you highlights. Great time shopping - seriously, we picked out a gift for his girl and even though he got aggravated at the whole scene, we still got a fair amount done. We then had dinner at the 101 - B paid - what a swell guy!!! Trixie, Samantha, her sister and Samantha's man all met us there. B also heard me sing for the first time. Now we all know that our girlfriends will tell us whatever we want to hear. For example, when we are distraught over a man, they will console us and make us feel like we did nothing wrong, whereas our male friends will tell us we were too eager, too possessive or too needy. When I sing, I get lots of compliments from people and my girlfriends tell me I sound awesome - but I take that only as far as I can throw it. So of course I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from B the next day, not only saying thank you for a good time, but to tell me that he had no idea that I had such a good voice, a phenomenal one at that. That really made my day because B is a critical person and to have him give a compliment is far and few between. - onward. I also drank a little too much and did my infamous drunk dialing. I only did two, but I apologize now for anything I said because I don't remember what I said. I wasn't plastered, its just that I ramble so much about absolute nonsense that I don't remember what I say. I'm very very sorry to anyone who got one. One more note about Thursday - I heart B.

Friday night - was a true wash. I stayed curled up in the fetal position all night and went to bed by 11:30.

Saturday - ahhhh Saturday. Very interesting. I had tickets for the taping of Comedy Central Presents and we saw Mike Birbiglia. No joke, I've seen him before and I love him. If you get the chance to watch the special - do it. If he's ever in your area, go see him. This is not an option. He has a website so Google him and check out his act:

"Yes I'm Italian, but I'm not really really family is more like Olive Garden Italian."

Come on - that's funny.

Anyway, after that we raced home, changed, grabbed Samantha and headed to the City to pick up a guy that Trixie is dating (more on this later). We then hauled our cookies another half hour away to White Plains to go to a club where this guy's "friends" were going to be at. Now I dont like clubs and I certainly hate club music. Why? First, I can't stand club music for more than 5 minutes, however, this DJ did play a variety. Second reason why I hate clubs - I dont get hit on because skinny bitches are ever present with their fake boobies and tanned skin. HOWEVER - this is a first. Mer met a man. Shocker. She kissed him. Yikes. But the fairy tale ends there my friends because he lives in Connecticut. Not too far, but far enough. We'll see, he took my number but that's only as far as it went. God he was a good kisser too. Mer needed that. Actually we talked for most of the night - I mean - talked. We danced a little bit, but we talked mostly which is odd for a club. I'm getting side tracked - most did the kiss happen. Ooooo aaaahhhhh - Well, that night Trixie's purse was stolen, thank god it was recovered only missing $60. When the intensity wore off, he asked if he could kiss me, "May I kiss you now?" - I blushed - yes I blushed - shoot me. I instantly thought to myself in a split second "You never do this. It would be so nice to kiss a guy. What would Trixie do?" So I said yes. It was luxurious. I mean, wow. My friggin toes curled and screamed "Yowzer!!!" He pulls away and says, "You're a good kisser." - my response, "I know." and I kissed him again. AAAaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like a school girl. I'm so lame. After that we kissed a lot - we talked, and the talking would be interrupted by more kissing - nice. I asked if he had cooties and he assured me he was cootie free. Whew! I'd like to see him again, but if I don't, no big deal. Connecticut remember?

Samantha and I got home about 5:00 a.m, Trixie stayed at her man's house (more on this later). And we did the totally chick thing; we gossiped, chilled and watched a movie until we went to bed at 6:30 a.m. Friggin good time. However, I was up at 10 and we got out of the house by 1 to go into Hoboken to drink more and watch football. It was a good time, but by George I was tired and in bed by 7. I don't know how I stayed awake and drank 3 beers. I have NO idea. I'm stupid.

Tonight I am going to the Bon Jovi concert. I'm stoked because not only is this my 5th time seeing them, but every single concert has been good. They really are a great act to watch even if you are not a Jovi fan. I'm also excited because this is my birthday gift to my sister and I was not present all weekend to enjoy it with her. I'm on a mission to show her a good time. Each year we get ripped and call my mother from the concernt:


"Mer, is that you? I can't hear you!!"


"I can't hear you!!! Its too loud"


And that my friends has happened 4 times before. Good times.

Tomorrow I'll give the story on how Trixie completely and totally burned herself and how I'm not sympathetic to her ply. Long story. Be well and think happy thoughts. I promise I'll toast a beer to all four of you who read this.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Adventures with B

Tonight should be interesting and I'm hoping I have good material for you tomorrow.

You see tonight B and I are doing our Christmas Shopping together this evening. Actually I should back track a little and set the mood.

Back in the day (read a year or so ago), B and I somehow became better friends, I think I've spoken on this before. I'd go down to his office for advice on men, on my career, work stuff, just about everything. Well from that we started to hang outside of work - him and I would go to dinner and just talk - what he is for me, I am for him....a confidant. Even when Ted and I were dating, B and I would go to dinner alone and hang. Then whenever B needed the help of a female in fashion or decor, I was his girl. For instance, one time B had to attend a wedding (in the party) and he had to wear certain clothing. He didn't go with his girl, not his mother, but with me to do all of this. I was flattered. Oh and then there was the time that he came to me, not his roommate, not his best friend, not his family, but me to discuss his situation with his girl and I was happy to help. Again, he's not one to talk deeply with anyone so I was flattered.

So, now that B has a "girlfriend," (I use this term loosely), he comes to me for advice on her and now, I will be aiding him in a gift for Christmas for her. Good stuff.

Last week we hit up a Devil's game - good time. Everytime we chill its a good time and that's why I'm totally looking forward to this. I think we have the ultimate friendship and its only gotten better over time. We make each other laugh, we never get on one another's nerves - because we know the word "space" and we've already gotten the whole "hooking up" thing out of the way. Actually I sometimes think that was the whole catalyst that brought us closer. Does that make sense? No more pressure, we are who we are and its all good.

Now you're all wondering - oh geez, she's got a crush on him. And to that I answer like this: nope. I love B. I really do. If I wasn't so intense and if he wasn't so awkard about relationships, we'd go far, but I'm very, no I'm extremely happy we are the friends we are and nothing more. We never hang out too much so that its overload and wind up getting on one another's nerves. Not here. Its always just enough.

After shopping though, I'm bringing him out to the 101. That's right, I'm subjecting him to the drunken stupidity of those retards. I highly doubt he will ever get on stage - but here's something that you don't know. When B drinks, he has this friggin great alter ego named Hank. And Hank - well Hank is unstoppable. Good lord, Hank is fun.

To summarize, tonight should be a good nite and I'm hoping it is because I need to lighten up already.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Personally, I think Heath Ledger is absolutely dreamy. I mean come on, look at him! And I could really give a flying fig if he plays a gay dude in the new movie Brokeback Mountain - it doesn't matter, I'd still jump on his head.

Originally I only shared a mild interest in this movie. I thought to myself when I first saw the preview a few weeks ago, "Humph. Looks interesting and I bet he'll be damn good in it, but no one is going to want to see it with me so I'll wait for the DVD." To be honest though, all this Oscar buzz certainly has me mulling it over to go see it alone. Hell, I just might have to go and see it this weekend.

Oh Heath - I heart you.

I loved him in The Brother's Grimm. The story itself was cute and there were some funny parts to it, but it dragged and it could have been better. However, he certainly stole the show, he's a phenominal actor and I hope he gets the Oscar nod. Ooooooo, but he's also going to be staring in Casanova due out at the end of the month.

One word: Yum.

Actually this weekend I was so upset (not over men, just about life in general), that I went to the movies alone. I've never done that before and you know what? I LOVED it. I really really did. I had no one talking to me during the movie, I got to sit where I wanted, I had my own popcorn....everything. It was marvelous. So perhaps I'll do it again this weekend.


I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was actually a little down on myself - I was wearing the whole self pity thing - apparently its a good color for me right now. I'm not upset about men - nope, not at all. I'm actually getting very used to being alone and I'm liking it more and more after each date I go on. I guess it happens when you start to get discouraged by what's out there.

Anyway, I'm feeling down because for all my talk and all my complaining, my life is still the same. This is the first time I don't have anything driving me or motivating me toward some sort of goal. I'm not taking any classes toward my degree, I'm not following the whole acting thing, I'm living at home, I'm barely excercising right now.....what is wrong with me? Do I have the winter blues? The holiday upsets? Not sure.

I know I'll snap out of it soon enough, but it just hit me pretty hard this weekend....mostly Monday though. Monday was a tough day for me. I'm feeling like I'm digging my way out, but the dirt keeps piling in. Its a never ending battle sometimes. I'm a survivor so I'm sure I'll be fine.

One thing I did do that made me feel better - I pampered my mother a little last night. I went out and bought a fantastic dinner for her and myself. I cooked it, I cleaned up afterward and I even fixed a few things she needed done. She's been waiting for my father to help her with some stuff and its been taking forever. She was so happy to spend time alone with me and just chill out. I love my mom and she deserved it. Between my grandmother and my father my mother is completely exhausted so I was happy to do anything I could for her last night.

Good stuff.

Anywho, I've gotta run now and get some java for this little little one. Thanks once again for stopping in and listening to me drone on about my pathetically boring drivel. Have a great day and bundle up because its fucking cold out there!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Bar Mojo

How is everyone on this fine festive Monday morning?

That good huh?

Well I can't complain. Had meself a three day weekend thanks to the ass blowout of 2005 Thursday night. Trixie and I went out to eat after my haircut Thursday at Applebee's. I know - fine place right? Anyway, we wanted something fast, but we didn't want a diner, we also didn't want to spend a ton of money because we were going out after dinner to get our drink on. That just was not in the stars for Mer. Nope. Whatever was in that salad did the coocaracha on my intestines and I was homeward bound for the night. Enough said.

Even if it hadn't snowed on Friday, I think I would have stayed home due to this little illness and well.....also because I just didnt' want to go to work.

The remainder of the weekend really wasn't all that eventful. Yesterday I went out to a bar in Hoboken to watch the games. GO Giants and Patriots!!!!

Ok now you know how I've said this before, I don't get picked up in least not by men close to my age. Normally its by guys who are like 22-24 - although tempting, I don't bother.


I didn't get hit on once. Not twice. Not even three times. I think I set my own personal best at four yesterday - two of which actually got my 411. Nice.

First, let me start by saying that when I walked into that bar, men were so far from my mind. Seriously. I had NO intentions of meeting anyone, in fact, I was cursing men out in my mind thinking that dating just was not for me, because it really isn't. I hate it. I hate it so much that I think I sabotage relationships because I'm so uncomfortable. Its like this inevitable factor that I will some how fuck it up. Also, Ted called me that morning just to say hi and somehow we got in a fight. What is that? Apparently he thinks my life is in a downward spiral, but I'm in the middle of it right now and that's why I can't recognize it. I'm not living my life, I'm living everyone else's life and when I fall down, he'll still help me back up. THEN he tells me he can't talk to me anymore. Let's back up. I told him already I can't be his friend. I told him I'm dating now and I view it as a conflict. I told him that I was uncomfortable being his tell me. Where's the loss? Puuuhhhlease. I didn't get upset, I didn't get mad, I was just thoroughly agitated. Can we say delusional?

Anyway, Samantha, her man, Trixie and I headed out yesterday to watch the games. I guess because I wasn't "looking" per say, that I did finally meet a few men worth talking to and perhaps even going on a date with. But let's recap here. Mer has no good luck with men. I'm convinced. One guy lives in Washington D.C., his name was Ed. Ed was nice, he was cute in an older man cute fastion and he has a real job. He monitors - that's right MONITORS, software for the government. WTF? Can we say CIA or KGB? That would be my luck, but hey, I'm down for a little adventure and he was courteous and nice - nothing thrilling, very safe. I see a flash of our future together and I see a 4 bedroom home, two car garage, 2.1 kids. You get the idea. But again....he lives in Washington D.C. - not exactly a stone throws away.

Then there was Shane. Shane and all his buddies were in the crowded bar having a great ol' time when I come walking through their little intricate circle stopping them in mid-conversation. Not my fault, they were blocking my way. Anyway, somehow I get pulled into a picture of theirs, a picture turns into hello's, the hello's turn into a drink, the drink turns into shots - you know.....the norm. Shane was very....I mean....very, handsome. He's 34 and he's worked for the same company as a sales agent for 10 years. He lives about 20 minutes from me and already he wants to take me out. Not a problem - but already he wanted to completely make out with me. How do I know? He told me. Yep, after talking all afternoon and throwing flirty glances, this guy said to me - looked me square in the eye and told me - "I want to kiss you so bad. I just want to kiss your face.....I want to kiss you all over." -GOOD GOD - what is that all about!!!! These things don't happen to Mer. He kept hugging me and kissing my cheek, my forehead - anywhere he could place his lips in the realm of my face he did.....and yet I allowed it. What is wrong with me???

Of course I blew a lot of it off, I mean come on - we were in a bar!!! How serious CAN I take it if I'm meeting a guy in a bar of all places. - But the kicker is this....two of his buddies (can't be that good of friends), told me on the aside (separately of course) that if Shane didn't take my number, they would like to be second in line. Apparently men can be caddy too. I found this hysterical and a great ego booster too. Come on, everyone can use a little ego boosting every once in a while. Keeps us healthy.

So I guess I did well yesterday. I have more to say, but no caffeine yet and I fear that only an 1/8 of this post is coherent so I'm going to stop now.

But I'm sure you are wondering to yourselves, "what about Robbie?" - yeh well you see, I'm sure Robbie would have been great, but until March, his life is tied up in hockey working for both the Devils and the Rangers and I'm not about to pine for a guy who I'm only going to see every so often. He would be my numero uno choice, but I can't put life on hold for him. Just can't do it captain. When he calls I'll talk, but I won't put any stock into him. It happens.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Devils Suck Major Cock

Last night was my first Devil's game in almost three years and I was elated to go beyond belief. B and I had been discussing grabbing a game one of these days and yesterday when I made my weekly visit to his office, we decided right there and then to go to the game that evening.

I won't get into the whole game, but I will tell you this, they just aren't the Devil's of old. They have no heart and they are not playing together like a real team. It was horrible. I was happier than a pig in shit to be there, but it was disappointing to see them lose.

B and I though had a great time. I love that kid. He was pretty impressed with my knowledge of hockey too - go me. We have a unique friendship where I'm just about the ONLY person he discusses serious things with...i.e. relationship stuff. He has been dating this one girl for about 8-10 months now and I'm the one he talks to about her. I'm actually flattered that he talks to me at such length too because its my way of repaying him for all the great advice he gives me. I LOVE YOU B!!!!! Thanks for going with me last night. U D Bomb.

Honestly, we have a great time and we spoof just about everything and laugh at each other endlessly. Last night we started talking about being single and then the conversation got to marriage and then it went like this:

M: B, if I’m not married by time we’re 40, well when you’re 40, because I’m two years older – we should get married.
B: Great idea. Definitely and then we’ll have like 15 kids.
M: Nice. We’ll have the best marriage ever. We’ll drink, we’ll smoke, we’ll chill.
B: No drinking for you. You’ll be pregnant.
M: True. True. Ok, then you have to double fist – one for you and one for me.
B: Definitely. But do you want to wait until you’re like 40? I think it should be earlier.
M: Good point. Ok, how about we revisit this idea when I’m 35 and we’ll see where we are and then make our decision?
B: Awesome.

Come on....that's awesome and that's just about how all our conversations go.

HOWEVER, during the game, my cell phone goes off. Low and behold it's Robbie. I didn't tell you guys this, but he also works part time for the Devils organization but I never know what game he's at.

R: Where are you?
M: I'm at the Devil's game.
R: Are you? So am I!!
M: No way! I had no idea you were working tonight.
R: I sent you an email that I was going to call you from the game.
M: Dude, I didn't get it.
R: You should have called me from the game though. Why didn't you call?
M: Well I left you a message last night and I never heard back from you. You're a busy dude, I'm not going to bombard you with phone calls. The ball was in your court.
R: Mer. You can call me WHENEVER you want, however many times you want.
M: Nice.

Then he called me after the game and the conversation was about the drunk dial I left.

M: Are you sure it wasn't that bad?
R: Nope, it was just fine. You said something about having a good time with me on our date and then you started to sing "If I had a million dollars."
M: Whew. Ok good because I left two other messages that night. Let's put it this way - I called my friend Matt and told him that I was getting married in the Bahamas.
R: The Bahamas?
M: Yep, the Bahamas and I was inviting him to come.
R: You told him that you were marrying me right?

Yep, my fears of insecurity have been alleviated. Later on we spoke AGAIN before I went to bed and it was business as usual. Him making me laugh uncontrollably and us just shooting the breeze. We really are two peas in a pod and I am hoping that I see him this weekend so I can take a running leap and jump on his fucking head.

Who just said that?

Sorry, that was a lack of control on my part. You have to understand - its been a while for Mer. :(

Anyway, cross your fingers again because I think it worked the first time.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Signs and The WIllie Factor

People have told me, ok more specifically Trixie, has told me that life is not planned, there is no set course for us, yet she still believes in fate....its just a matter of reading the signs. Wasn't that in a movie or something? I think its all horseshit. When you read "the signs" its not about the greater order of power, its just a matter of reading reality. For example, if a guy doesn't call you, its not "a sign" - its much easier than that, he's just not interested, its up to you whether or not to recognize it....something that I was never able to do before, thus a two year bad relationship with the not so wonderful Ted. However I've learned and I've moved on. Go me.

Robbie and I keep missing one another - phone calls go out, messages left, timing bad. It happens. But is this one of the instances where you read it as a sign that its just not going to happen and you let it go due to discouragement or is just what it is....bad timing? Good question - but don't worry, its not one I'm going to pontificate.

I guess I still have faith in the date and the conversations we've had, yet I'm not delusional enough to wallow in the what if....I do have another date with Jamie so I guess I'm moving on. Here's the thing....I like Jamie, but that's it. He doesn't give me the willies - not that I'm comparing him to Robbie, but honestly, Robbie set the bar pretty high. Is it bad that I think that? Nah, I'm just being honest. I'm not comparing, hell no, but for me, I need the willie factor, the butterflies, the smiles and flirtation, the sexual tension.....I need all of those things in order for my attention to be maintained otherwise I'll be phoney and the ick factor will take the place of where the willie factor should be.

Oh god, I really hope I'm not one of those shallow people who like a little eye that wrong? I need to be sexually attracted to the guy I'm dating otherise the point is nill and the disinterest covers me like a wet blanket.

Then again, I'm not 48 and looking for a life partner to grow old with, I'm looking for love and sometime to spend time with. I think I still have loads of time left to continue to be picky. If anything this whole dating experience has shown me that I need to continue to be picky. I want what I want. When I was little I never gave up wanting what I wanted until I got it....what changed? What made me settle for less than I deserve? Was I that desperate before for love and affection that I allowed myself to stray from the self confident woman that I am? Perhaps. Maybe. I'll never know unless I go through some deep rooted therapy, something us poor folk can't afford. Instead I'll do what all us poor folk normally do, bite the bullet and move on.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. If I were to read "the signs" I'd have to say that right now I'm just not meant to be with anyone. The MySpace situation has been fun, but its leaving me so many other things in my life. I'm not giving up on love, hell no, puuhhhlllease, I'm not that pathetic to allow a simple stupid fun thing like MySpace leave me THAT discouraged. I thinks its simply run its course. Perhaps I'll even come back to it in a few weeks, who knows. For now I'll keep doing what I'm doing - trying new things, meeting new people.

It still would have been nice to have someone to share the holidays with though.......

Monday, December 05, 2005

Silly Girl

A fact about myself that I wish I could change. I am a silly girl.

My head is forever in the clouds thinking of "what if's" and the endless possibilities my life can possess. I get stuck on situations and think about how I could have changed them if I had done one or two things differently. Hours can be wasted contemplating what will happen as a result of these actions that have me so deep in thought.....all because I am a silly girl.

I fantasize.....Yes at 28 I still daydream of being rich and successful. I still dream about meeting someone who makes me more deliriously happy than my wildest of dreams. I will act out whole scenarios in my head of how a particular conversation would go with said gentleman - what he would say to me, or how we would get to know one another.....all because I am a silly girl.

If I see a man that I think is cute and I don't act upon meeting him....I play out the meeting in my mind and the coy shy looks or the words I SHOULD have spoken if I actually had the balls to do so. Or how about when I do meet a man in say a coffee shop, and it seems like we had all this flirtatious chemistry, but still it doesn't go anywhere and I'm only left with that chance meeting to be played in my dream filled foggy head....all because I am a silly girl.

In reality, I will rant and rave about going on a date and having a fabulous time with this date and then I go home and wonder if he'll call me the next day. I'll over analyze the situation instead of letting it be a fond memory in the catalogs of my mind. I'll spend days and days talking about him and any little thing he did or is doing. I'll even dedicate an entire blog post to him to work out the insecurities I am feeling regarding the situation.....all because I am a silly girl.

This isn't something new either, I've always been in la la land. When I was 6, my mother used a card board box from Toy's R Us (she worked there part time) and on the oustide of this box it said "6 Cabbage Patch Dolls enclosed" - that night I dreamt of my sister getting 3 dolls and me having three of my own. I thought about showing up to school and letting everyone see that I in fact had received not one, not two, but yes, three coveted Cabbage Patch Dolls. I slept with a big smile on my face only to find out the next morning that it was just a box.....all because I was a silly girl.

Now its to a point that I get so caught up in my head, that sometimes I miss the stuff happening around me. I'll get a phone call from Trixie gossiping to me about whatever happened or will be happening that night and I'll forget that my parents are in the next room eating dinner without me. Or better yet, I'll keep my cell phone with me at all times, just so I don't miss anything....all because I am a silly girl.

I've cried over men who were not worth my time, I've spent countless hours worrying about the fate of a relationship that wasn't meant to be because the romantic in me would not allow the thought of love not prevailing. I've thrown tantrums and cried my eyes shut when life didn't go my way, because he didn't show me he cared enough to stop my tears from falling.....all because I was a silly girl.

And last week I was a silly girl going over and over in my head all the times I laughed on one particular date. Instead of just letting it go and leaving the ball in his court I reverted to an old way of thinking which is ultimately setting myself up for disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I've heard from Robbie since my last post, but I'm not getting myself all worked up about it - the cynic is rearing its ugly head making me consequently cranky already giving him the relationship pink slip......all because I am a silly girl.

This relationship crabbiness is not all about him either. Its about me and my dip from reality.

Because this summer I spent a majority of it re-working my thought process, trying to become stronger so I don't get hurt so badly the next time around. Yet once again, like every other time, I let it ride and threw caution into the wind so that the silly girl could peek her wicked head out around the emotional corner tripping me and leaving me to drown in my insecurities once again.....and I hate that silly girl. I used to love her and embrace her because she was my inner child, the little elf that kept me kooky and quirky....but after the stupidity of my rants last week, I want to find that silly girl and smash her head in.

All is not lost though. After I soak in self loathing a bit longer, I'll cheer up once again and remind myself that its ok to daydream and to be "in like." Its ok to think about the "what if's" and the "could be's," as long as its kept in realistic proportion. As long as I remember that I am me and that's all just part of it. Because I pray I never ever stop day dreaming. I will always try to stop myself and take a look around and embrace me for all my wonderful, loving, kooky, quirky factoids that are all my own.....including the silly girl.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Fuck It. Right?

Fuck it, I'm going to talk about him right now.

Robbie and I met on MySpace. He hit me up on an email and there was something in the email and his profile that just kind of tickled my fancy so I replied. Not thinking much of him or even where it was all going, we continued to chat via email every few days and then finally I gave him the digits.

Our first phone conversation - good god that was hysterical. Now I'm not one to do the whole "me too" thing - you know what I'm talking about "I love dark chocolate." "Oh yeh, me too...." but we did seem to have a lot in common when we would speak about things that we've done in our lives and shit like that. I mean, I felt as if I have known him my whole life, that's how easy the phone call was.

Finally, after chatting for a good two weeks, we decided on a date to meet. Before I go any further, I need to say that I didn't talk to him EVERY day. Nope, it was every few days, but it wasn't a bother to me, I had other fellas to keep me occupied (and I still do). So we meet up for drinks at a mutual location and it was probably one of the best dates I've ever had. I mean, we laughed so hard, we talked so much, he gave me "signals" that us women hold in reserve for you men - you know, the slight touch on the hand, coy smiles, the offhand beauty comments - those things, so now I'm grooving on him major and I don't want to be cocky, but the feelings were reciprocated.

After this first place we decided to meet up with a few friends of mine from work - he's all for it. We go up there, we have a few drinks and before you know it, the bar is closing and we have to leave. At this point I've had a few too many (shocker), but I'm not trashed or even close to it, I just shouldn't drive. So we head on back to his place (don't worry, intuition told me it was ok - no creepy vibes AT ALL) and to make a long story short, I wind up staying over.

This is another thing I liked about him....I didn't have to tell him I was a good girl, he automatically treated me like one. He made sure that I was taken care of, he took precautions to make sure I felt safe and he didn't try any hanky panky.

Well that's kind of a lie.

We are laying there in bed - facing one another and we're talking, because we can't seem to shut the fuck up, and that's when he kissed me ever so gently. Yes, this was one of those cute first kisses, sweet, tender, and just right. He pulls away and I smile my Kool Aid smile so he comes back for more. We wind up doing a little smooching, but nothing crazy....each time ending with me smiling like I won the Miss America crown and he even says how much he likes it when I smile. All together now......Aaaawwwwwww.......


Anyway, (sorry I got swept up in the moment), we wind up kissing and talking until 4 a.m. - uh yeh. We sleep nuzzled up together (he snores), and its just....nice. Its been awhile since I slept next to a man, so I throughly enjoyed it. Next morning he had to be up at 8 - but we stayed in bed until 10. It happens. BUT NO HANKY PANKY - nice.

That night (Saturday) he has a bachelor party and I'm thinking to myself - "there is no way I'm hearing from him today" - but sure enough he calls me from the slot machines in Atlantic City just to say hi and even continues to text me from then on. Ok. Cool.

Now this dude is busy, like super busy, yet I hear from him at least once a day via email, text or a phone call....but my gut is telling me that he's not that interested. You're thinking to yourself -"MER YOU IDIOT, HE'S CONTACTING YOU EVERYDAY - What else do you want?" - and I'll answer that for you. I want a substantial phone call or at least I want one of his wonderful compliments that he so easily threw at me before. I want to know that he is in fact that interested in me. I want to know that the Friday we spent together, was not a fluke. Does that make sense?

I'm not going to see him this weekend either - he has a rehearsal dinner and a wedding and then its back to the hectic schedule his life seems to lead. I'm wondering if I even fit in because if he was that interested, wouldn't he talk of seeing me again? Then again, 10 minutes into the date he was calling for another one. I'm just a little confused because one minute I'm thinking he's not into me and then the next I'm hearing from him....but nothing substantial. Good lord I hate dating.

The Tard Bus is fired up and I’m at the wheel. All aboard!!!!

Seriously, that’s how I feel. I’ve never dated and now the insecurities are coming at me ten fold. I can’t take it and I hate that I’m allowing it all to get to me. I hate it all. I want to profusely apologize when there is no need at all….that’s how insecure I am about the whole thing. I think I was happier when I just shot men down or I just wasn't hit on at all.

Its leaving me a little discouraged and I'm not used to this. Part of me is like FUCK IT. Screw him and move on....which is the way I'm headed anyway because I can't waste time on this shit - that and I had another date last night and I have one after work - but that's neither here nor there.

Yet I can't help the part of me thats says, "it was such an awesome date!" I guess my plan of action is just not to have a plan at all. Let the cards lie were they fall and leave it at that. Ball is in his court - yesterday he did say we were going to see each other again, but that was before I drunk dialed him last night.....he asked for the drunk dial so I obliged. I'm an ASSHOLE. All together now - aaaasssssshooooolllllleeeee. I don't think I said anything wrong - but you know what??? - those that know me and love me, love my drunk dials - if I ever speak to him again after this, I'm going to propose to him right away. Well maybe not.

Fuck it right?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I Knew it!

It's absolutely amazing to me how right I can be sometimes. I said that I didn't want to talk about a guy - a guy that I am for sure interested in, but I did. I gave him the kiss of death by writing about him.

I guess I'm a little perturbed because I really thought that I would have heard from him about a second date. Wait, hold up, he has called me, and he has sent emails- but nothing substantial enough to have me believing that I will see him Friday night. I guess I'm just not that used to all this dating stuff and I need to calm the fuck down.


Ok, I think I'm done ranting right now.

Today I'm actually covering for Trixie in the main department and I'm not happy about it. Well I'm happy because I might actually do some work today, but I'm not happy because I'm not at my desk. I like my little quiet little private space....but today that is not to be. I guess I've been lucky enough to go under the radar this long, what's a little time in the main department then right?

Well I got nothing else right now. Perhaps I'll have some developments to report later in the day, but most unlikely.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Cross Your Fingers

Right now, I don't have too much going on....oh yeh sure I'm talking to about 6 different guys, but they are slowly dropping off and I've narrowed the margin down to about 4.

All I'll say about one dude is this....cross your fingers for Mer. Seriously, cross them now and say a little prayer because he could make Mer VERY happy. And cross your fingers for him......and we'll leave it at that.

As for the other men....tell me what you would have done in this situation.

When I first joined MySpace, I received an email from a nice looking gentleman. The email was nothing special, but not a stupid email either. So I responded and we've emailed constantly for about 2 weeks now. I finally gave up the digits thinking he would call.....he didn't. Instead I kept getting emails saying that he "hopes I was doing ok, blah blah blah, sorry I haven't called yet, but I promise I will. yadda yadda yadda." Basically the same thing each time. YAWN!

Finally after two weeks of this crap I email him and very politely say "I know you haven't called and I'm beginning to wonder if you really are just that busy or if you aren't that interested in me all that much....either way, its all good."

Yesterday my phone rang and it was him. Nice enough guy, but now he's already started off on a bad foot with me and he's not....well, how do I put this.....he's not the brightest bananna in the bunch. So I agreed to do coffee today after work.....but now I don't want to go. I'm kind of caught in a dilemma here - I certainly don't want to put all my eggs in one basket with the guy I really like, but I'm not exactly "feeling" this guy that I'm seeing today....thus only coffee. Is that lame or what? I would cancel, but I think I need to keep myself out there.....we'll see. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

Tomorrow night though I do have plans to meet another guy that I'm interested in. Although (Sorry for lack of better words), he's a runner up to the guy I'm interested in, I think that I'll have fun and he'll be worth my time. We've emailed and talked now for two and half weeks, but schedules didn't permit me to meet him yet. It happens. At first I was really excited to meet him, but my excitment has dwindled somewhat.

At first I felt bad about talking to more than one guy, but let's be honest, I'm so sure they are talking to other girls and its not like I have a "relationship" with any ONE of them....this is ok right? I mean, I'm not betraying anyone right? I'm certainly not having "relations" with any of them, just meeting each one at some interval in time. And at what point do I stop putting myself out there - like how does this all work, when will I know I'm "exclusive" with one guy? Is it like High School and the guy asks you to be his girlfriend? I doubt it because that sounds gay as hell. Do I bite the bullet and ask the question when I feel that we have come to that point? I don't want to play games, but apparently there are all these rules....and I also don't want to smother, I want to be somewhat of a challenge.

I simply just don't know. Yo no se nada.

You see, I've never dated. Each guy that I have ever had a relationship with I have known prior to dating them. Each guy was my friend first and then we moved over to the boyfriend/girlfriend realm. This is all very new to me so I'm looking for whatever advice anyone is willing to share.

Matt gave me some "dating" tips and rules, but I don't know how much they apply to the one fella. OH GOD keep your fingers crossed for me! Its all confusing and it has me second guessing everything I do....although this guy, it seemed like I could be my goofy self. SHUT UP MER!!!!

I want to desperately tell you more about the good guy, but I'm afraid to jinx it.....WOW, that must tell you how much I like him.

So for now I guess I'll do what I'm doing - running to my friends for advice (love you Matt L.) and Trixie and Samantha and B.

WHICH - OMG - I just found out some somewhat shocking news. Apparently....B has feelings for me. I don't know how much I believe that and I'm going to investigate this further, but its a shocker to me nonetheless. Perhaps tomorrow's post will be about that.


I need a drink.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Turkey Lovin'

Honestly I just don't know what to write anymore. I will not write about anyone I like - I refuse to because this site has become a jinx for any man I date. It happens.

On another was everyone's turkey day? Mine was just like it is every year, very nice. I got to see my nephew who is by far the most adorable little dude and chill with my family. No drama this year - no boyfriend to monitor booze and fight with. No ex-husband to bicker with about whose family we are going to see and when. Did I ever tell you how superior he thought his family was? Um...yeh - asshole.

Thanksgiving evening though had me meeting my girlfriend's at the 101 Pub for a little after hours partying. I had a great time that night, but what is up with all the itty bitty's trying to kiss me??? I swear, they are so much more bold than guys my own age. For instance. There is this one kid, absolutely friggin adorable. He asks me to sing a song with him in karaoke, so I oblige. We do the song, "Summer Nights" from the soundtrack Grease. Got me so far? We are on stage and he's awful, but that's why I did the song with him because he's so god damn funny - but at the part "We made out under the dock..." - he totally tried to make out with me on stage. It was friggin hysterical. Later that night when I left he started hounding Trixie to find out where I went. Um....problem - I'm like 8 years older than him. Yikes. But he's funny as hell and he's adorbale - no other way to describe him....I'd eat him up and stick him in my pocket if I could. Another example of how funny he is? At one point he came running down the aisle and was lifted into the air by this other kid, Brian, like Jennifer Gray and Patrick Schwazey from Dirty Dancing. I think I almost pee'd a little from laughing so hard. And every time I saw him, he would start hugging me and smooching me on my face.....oooooo to be young again.

Now to Brian...oooooo Brian. He's 22 years old and shortly after "the lift" he told me that sometimes older women need to have a little "young" fun. Ok, his head? - I would jump on it. Why? Because he's hot, and he's got marvelous hands to go with his tight, hard body. He was hugging and smooching me, but the sinker was he kept putting his big wonderful hands on my waste....such a power move for me. Too bad I have morals. Stupid stupid standards.

But H's 21 year old brother takes the cake. He laid a big fat smooch right on my lips...this came from left field, let me tell ya. It was not long, it was not a peck....but it did in fact catch me off guard and it did in fact make me a little.....happy. He's another adorable one - but he's also 21 and he's also H's brother. Aaaahhhh, those damn morals again. Sigh. If only......

I just don't get it. Boys have no problem coming after me. Ok so maybe its their hormones....or maybe they find me that attractive? I don't know....I DO know this and I'm not afraid to say it, I like the attention. Its so nice to have someone hitting one me. Oh sure there is and I really like getting the emails and stuff, but its not the same as face to face interaction. And its nice to have someone my age or older persuing me.


Monday, November 21, 2005


Perfect example of the shit I'm getting on MySpace.

"hay what's going? I saw your profile and I like.. I know that bridge and where you was standing..LOL.. check out my profile and let me know what you think. any questions let me know and I will tell.. LOL..hope you can concider me a friend.. talk later bye."

Where do I begin to rip this guy apart? Too easy.

Date #2

Had myself Date 2 with Waterboy last night. Yeh, this guy is just a little too much into my booty....I'm not joking....he's fascinated by it to say the least. What is that? I'm not an idiot, I know he's after sex, but why so much effort? He told me last night how much I turn him on and he's crazy for my ass.....who says things like that? I'm not a prude or anything and things get a little hot and heavy, but still! You don't even want to know the other things that he said.

Yes, he's getting the boot. Again, the date itself was very nice and we had a good time. But to tell you the truth, now that I think about it, he talks so much about himself, or maybe not so much about himself, but he doesn't ask me about me. I want the guy I date to be into me and want to know about me. I want a friend and a lover - not just a lover. I guess I should have known what he was going to be like because his emails never really had any substance. But now I'm left with having to tell him that I don't feel it - oh I felt it, don't get me wrong, but I'm not feeling "it" - the relationship. However, he's a great kisser and good god his got a nice body......I'd jump on his head from a distance! AAaahhhhh!!! Nice.


There are a three other potentials...well more than three, but I'd say that these three are the ones I'm really into meeting and with the long weekend coming up, I'm hoping to knock out at least two of them....geez, I sound like I'm doing a report or something. Cross your fingers and I'll keep you updated.

One more thing about this MySpace stuff - I'm shaply - I'm not fat, I'm not skinny, I'm average - why are all these hard bodies hitting me up? I'm soft and round - do guys find that attractive? I hate to second guess myself, but I'm just wondering. Like they eat oats and grain and grass and all the bullshit...I eat pretty well, but I like my McDonald's every once in a while. This has me wondering, that's all.

As for the remainder of the weekend, not much to talk about. I was sick so I tried to keep it mellow. I saw a comedian, Bobby Collins, Saturday night and good god that guy is too funny. If you ever get a chance, go see him.

And that's about it folks. If anything interesting pops up, I'll be sure to tell you.

P.S. - I just re-read that post and I have to say....I'm an idiot - its so obvious what this guy is really like.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I'd Say the Date Went Well

You guys want details about last night....I know. And since my personality calls for me to please others, I'm going to give you the details....even the really juicy gossipy details.

We met at a Houlihan's last night at 8:30. At first I was incredibly anxious - not nervous, I don't get nervous, but I was anxious to know how the night would proceed. Would he really look like his photo's? Would he really be as funny as his emails? Did I, myself look anything like my photos? I'm not a skinny bitch, I'm very curvy, is that what he was expecting? Would I disappoint?

No worries were ever needed. He did look yummy like his photos, he was very funny and charming and no, I did not disappoint, if anything, he was a little more into my body than I would have thought, but I'll get to that.

I had orginially planned on leaving the bar early - like 10ish - did NOT happen like that. We had such a fun time that we did not leave until almost 12....I'll get to that in a bit.

So much happened last night, I don't even know where to begin, but I'll try to keep this short and sweet. When we first sat down, my other suitor called me which had me going "Uh oh." But it was ok, I handled it well. We had a few drinks, he ate dinner and then we had a few more drinks. Now I have a booty - make no doubt, I have a round booty so when I got off my bar stool to go to the ladies room, my big round booty kind of swiped his knee....where his hand was resting. He turns to me and says, "Oh excuse me, did I just touch your butt?" And I (having a few drinks) replied, "Yep, no biggy." Know what that got me? A slap on tush. That completely opened the flood gates. After that, my ass got so much action....but hey, I'm not complaining - a girl has needs to.

We did in fact share a kiss at the bar - so cheesy, but the kiss was LOVELY. I mean, very very sensual, not too much lip, not too much tongue - just right. (Is it hot in here?) After the bar, he walked me to my car and then um......yep, we TOTALLY made out - but I'm a good girl and that's all that happened....ok that's a lie, I totally got felt up. (Nice). But that's it....ok that's another lie, my ass got grabbed some more yep, he knows first hand that I don't wear underwear - but that's it. Swear. - Booty and boobie action, that's it. Promise. He didn't meet the Mrs. and I didn't meet Mr. My magic number is low and I'd like to keep it that way.

He'll be away in Pittsburgh this weekend, (he's in the entertainment business - long story), but he wants to see me again upon his return....which is fine by me....he's a good kisser.

BUT DOES THE STORY END THERE? Nope. In the beginning of the night, when we sat down at the bar I knew the guy sitting a few seats over. He is Agnus' cousin. No worries though, he's really cool, but still I didn't want to talk to him because what if Agnus already told him the story about Peter? That would have been awkward - but after the flirty eyes he kept giving me all night, I finally said hello. (Flirty FUCK me eyes more like it). AND he wants me to give him a call. How is it that I can go on a date with one guy, and get hit on by another guy and yet, I NEVER get hit on in bars? I must have looked fucking good last night.....yeh I did.

Anyway, that's my story. Good stuff right? I have a few more dates coming up - god I hope they all don't end up in smooch fests...ok, maybe I do.

P.S. - Matt Lauer, we need to chat.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Date Night

How ironic is that the guy I choose to post a picture of on this site, I have a date with tonight? What is that? I poke fun at him sending a cheesy photo and I get a date? Go figure.

Actually he's a pretty funny dude - the caption under that same photo says, "How's my hair?" - come on, that was good....he gets props. However, my gut tells me that this date won't go any further. Why? Because when we email its a lot of fun, he's very funny and very quick whitted, but when we spoke on the phone, it was a little forced. Conversation didn't flow like I thought it would - and I felt like he was doing something - like putting away clothes or reading mail. Not sure. My other reason that has me on the fence is he was eager to meet me, which in itself is ok, but there was something a little "off" about it. Like he was really eager and I don't like makes me suspicious already.

Am I being completely gay about this? (yes).

I dont know, I'm a little nervous about the whole thing. Its like a blind date of sorts. In a way I want him to cancel to take away the jitters....but then there is that fear of rejection. I hate rejection. It scares me. I think that's why I've always dated someone that I already knew. I already know what they are like without any pretentions - and then when we start dating, all the better. I've got a friend who I'm intimate with. Isn't that what we all ultimately want anyway?

Gosh I hate dating. I cried last was one of those moments that had me thinking about my past and it made me sad. I know I'm doing ok, I'm doing just fine and I'm happy I'm getting back in the saddle again, but it scares the piss out of me. I've never dated become a pro and start giving advice............Not a bad idea.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Good Grief......

You have NO idea what kind of emails I have been getting on MySpace. I wish I could make this up, but I'm not. I've met a few interesting people, I won't take that away, but good GOD what are people thinking when they send me a picture of them walking out of the water with no shirt on, dripping with water like they are some kind of Playgirl ad. I have to laugh. Look at this - yes very nice to look at, but come on now - please tell me there is more to you than your looks. He's hot, don't get me wrong, but I have been receiving a plethura of these kinds of emails. This particular guy actually has a sense of humor and he wants to meet me. Problem is...he was a little TOO eager to meet me. I let him know that and he's actually cool about it. He's apparently willing to wait. Nice. I'll definitely keep talking to him but I'm sure it will fall off.

But come on now - don't you think this is funny? Does anybody see the humor in this? I can't be alone....

Last night I spoke on the phone with someone who emailed me. Normally I'd pass a guy like him up - we'll call him James. Normally I wouldn't give him a nod, but his initial email was good. Good enough that we emailed for a few days and I felt good enough to give him my phone number and last night we spoke for the first time.....for an hour and a half. Nice. I probably shouldn't write about him because this website is the black kiss of death once I write about a guy. But oh well, we'll see if he's the exception to the rule.

Are there more? Sweet Jesus yes. But I'm not going to bore you with details. This guy seems the most genuine so we'll play that by ear.

I've been thinking about this whole MySpace thing though. Why is it that in person, I NEVER get hit on by the likes of these men, yet they have no problem emailing me? Don't get me wrong, men give me the "look", but its like WTF? Is it my photos? I think my photos are a pretty accurate description of myself. Is it because I'm singled out with a profile? I mean they get to read about me first and then they have the choice to email me. Perhaps that's it. I don't know, not sure. I'll have to ask one of them.

But I'll admit, I'm liking the attention. Its been awhile since I've allowed any men into my life....I know its because of my fear of rejection.....but I'm giving it a shot. I have to put myself out there. At least with this way I can screen them first and then decide whether or not they get the digits.....hey The Cat has been lonely....she needs company.

Other than that, life has been nice and boring. Not much happened over the weekend, I actually went out with an old friend of mine. She's older, but she's way cool and it was nice to change things up a bit. Sunday I was SUPPOSED to go to the Giants game to tailgate with B and then perhaps scalp tickets, but Trixie left me high and dry. I love that girl, but the second she is with her bo - you are forgotten. I hate that, but don't worry, I don't put energy into her anymore....thank god. I have more to say about her, but I won't be a gossip - I worry about her though. I just worry about her incredible need to be needed by men. Its not healthy and its going to hurt her in the long run. Enough about that though.

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time since I hurt my foot. BAD idea, I'm paying for it with a throbbing foot. I'm still going to go today, but I'll do the bicycle - BORRRIIINNGGG, at least I'm keeping active right?

And lastly, I did the cheesiest chick thing I think I have ever done. I bought the book "He's Just Not that Into You." - Yes its cheesy, but its also full of a lot of truths. If you are a broad who has tried to convince yourself that your bo is the right guy, despite the fact that he isn't worth a bag of need to read this book. Now.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Bag of Ass

It's Friday - so you know what that means right? I'm fucking rocking a hangover like nobody's business. I'll never learn. Idiot.

Please don't lecture me because I dont' think I'd survive right now.

Annnndddd....brain hemorrhage commensing.......NOW!!!

Last night we went out - what else is new, but I said,

"Guys, just know that I'm only going out for a few drinks and I plan on leaving early."

"And I don't really feeling like singing tonight."

I'm such a bad liar.

Three pints of pure alcohol and 4 shots later I was a fucking rock star on a mission to kill myself. But I was smart and started drinking water early so I could get home safely - wow, I used my brain for a change - mark the date. At least I got home around 1 a.m. - not bad for me right? As for the singing, I in fact did not want to sing, but Trixie made me do one song with her - and then people kept bringing me up with them - even the DJ had me sing "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey - damn, I can sure hit those high notes - can't blame him I guess.

Did drunk dials occur? But of course, is my name Meredith?? I think I left about 5 - I apologize now to whoever received one. I get carried away, but know that those dials help a great make me laugh that is.


MySpace update - why do so many guys feel it is necessary to send you pictures of themselves with no shirt on? What is that? Do they think I will reciprocate? And too many men coincidentally have no hair on their chests. What the fuck is that anyway?

AND, the stupid emails continue. Fat, ugly dudes send me some of the worst emails ever. If you dont' have the looks, shouldn't you put in a little more effort??? WTF? I'm not shallow enough that I won't give you props if you are intelligent. But come on now - writing in the form of Ebonics just doesn't cut it. Then again if they knew what effort was, they wouldn't be fat, ugly dudes now would they?

And why would an 18 year old want to chill with me? I'm 10 years older - GOOD GRIEF!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

MySpace = MyIdiot

Guys, I know it is hard to put yourself out there. Trust me, I understand it more than you know. But if you are going to make an attempt to get to know me....try to be a little creative or original. I put a little effort into my profile, the very least you can do is say something even remotely witty. AND what is up with not spelling or capitalizing anything correctly. Idiots. Come on now. You think that writing that "You're cute LOL" is going to make me swoon? Good God, here's a fiver - buy yourself a clue.

Some examples of the poor pathetic excuse to get me interested are:

you remind me of an angel in heaven;you deserve the very best in life tell your parents they did a faboulas job making you take care write back

Very nice pictures. And not too far away LOL

read what you had to write about yourself, interesting. you write well on the fly, at least that's how it sounds. saw your pics too, of course, you're extremely cute.


hi there , very nice profile and pictures of you, wondering if you care to chat and maybe i was your type at all?


hi, i would love to chat sometime. i loved your ad.

GOOD GOD MEN - what is wrong with you. Sure, thanks for liking my ad, but you have hair growing out of your're going to have to come up with something better than, "You say in your profile you'll give anything a chance, give me one too." - fuck off.

A better example would be:

I have to say, you have the most detalied, thought-provoking and meaningful profile on MySpace. I can't believe I had to actually SCROLL DOWN in order to finish reading what you wrote. Haha. Surprisingly/alarmingly, I think that is what sets me apart from the rest right off the bat... the fact that I actually read what you wrote before I replied with some dumbass comment like "wanted to send sum luv. Thanks for the add, hit me back..." When I see these comments, I start to feel like text messaging and IMing is making the world dumber. People don't even know how to spell anymore! I know you are not looking for a quick hook up, which is perfect because I usually take at least a half an hour or so. Haha. JK. Do you live on Prospect Avenue? Just curious. I alomst bought a condo there, but I opted for Ramsey instead. Well, I just wanted to say "hello" and let you know that I would like to talk to you more and get to know more about you (if that is okay with you). Have a good night and I will talk to you soon.
This guy got a nod from me and I'm happy to say he doesn't seem like a homo....yet.

I'll keep you all posted on the turn of events going on here. Interesting to say the least.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Remember that broad? Whatever happened to her anyway? - Probably got fat.

Today that's how I feel. I feel like I need to stop the insanity....and last night I just might have done that.

All this time I've bored you all with my stories of Ted and then he came back and then I made nicey nice and then last week I said I'd break ties with him. Last night that came true and it didn't exactly go as planned.

I had hoped to be able sit and talk to him calmly and tell him my reasons for not wanting to be in his life anymore - odd conversation for two people who are just friends, I know - spare me the lecture. But he said something last night that got me pissed and I gave him an attitude - which led to him giving me an attitude which led to a big fight and him hanging up the phone on me.

Its not how I wanted it to go and I didn't eactly get to say what I wanted to say. Oh sure at least now he's gone - or so we think right? By me not hanging up the phone first, by me not telling him to lose my number....still leaves the possibility of him calling me again. Don't worry, I don't plan on picking up that's for sure. Still, I have this aching feeling that's not the last of him. - Don't get me wrong, if I have anything to do with it, that IS the last of him. I've gone all of these months without drama and that's all that surrounds him.

But last night I had a moment of weakness when I got off the phone with him. I actually cried and felt sad and I can't eactly put my finger on why. Perhaps I did want to remain friends on some level? Or is it because I know that was the closing of the final chapter? I have no idea - and then I did the stupidest thing of all...Trixie was not available to talk to and I'm not exactly speaking to Lauren right now (she's a douche), and Samantha was working - so I called one of my friends that I wouldn't normally call over something like this and left him a tearful message. He must think I'm such a dumbass - sorry bro. Just know that was a complete moment of vulnerability on my behalf and forget that I ever called, I feel stupid enough as it is.

After that I watched some television and was able to regain my composure. Today I don't feel sad, and I'm not down by any means - I'm very melancholy. Yes very melancholy.

On a lighter note, Trixie and I will begin our research this weekend. I'm actually a little excited to start this. OHHHHH and I forgot, I totally joined that "" thing and let me just tell you - people are fucking horny or just plain ol' bored. Swear. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this up - my profile had 148 hits in under 24 hours and I think maybe 3 of which were halfway decent. Its so sad how gay some people can actually be.

OMG though, one of Ted's old friends hit me up on this thing - how funny is that? He's a really nice guy and I never really understood why he hung around that crowd, even though he doesn't really hang with them anymore. I just think its funny that out of over a million people he hit me up. Go figure. I'll report back either later or tomorrow to tell you how this whole thing is going - people are friggin nuts - I love it - should give me some good material.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Random Thoughts

Where to begin is the question right now. At first I didn't post yesterday because I didn't have anything substantial to post or at least I had a few ideas, but I didn't know which to go with. Today will be a conglomeration of randomness so hold on.

Trixie and I headed up to Boston this weekend. As you all know, Trixie and I try to head someplace every 8 weeks or so. Last time I was in Boston I had a blast and I loved the city so much that it was decided that I had to go back. The fact that I actually have a friend(s) there only put a cherry on top. To anyone and everyone I met this weekend in Boston, I want to extend a special thank you because you not only made me feel welcome in your hometown, but I had a great time.

I won't get into the whole trip because it was like most trips - we did the tourist thing, we ate and we got drunk.

I am not a bad looking broad, however, I do not get picked up by men as much as you would think. At first this bothered me - it had me second guessing myself and how I look and acted. But then I realized it was when a man spoke to me, when he actually took 5 minutes to have a conversation with me that he was interested in me. I realized that my mother was right, I can speak on a multitude of topics, yet men were not hitting on me from straight across a crowded room. Oh sure, I got the looks, but why wasn't I approached? This weekend I realized why and I brought this up to Trixie.

When I'm in a bar, my shyness to meet other men overwhelms me. Not in the sense that I piss myself or anything, its that I never hold eye contact. Not only that, but even if we play flirty eyes, I look away a lot - giving off the persona that I think my shit doesn't stink. Its not that I make a face like a stick is up my ass, its the fact that I don't hold the contact long enough to let him know I'm interested. Its the Jersey stare - the "don't look at me you pervert stare." - and I had NO IDEA that I did it. I observed myself and Trixie this weekend from an objective point of view and now I understand it.

See when we were in Boston our first night we went to a house party, great time by the way. There were at least four guys who hit on me (one of which got the address to this blog so cross your fingers for me) and it was all so easy. Then the next night at the bar....nada. I took a look at the way we were standing, the looks we were giving and it all made sense.

Saturday night, a nice looking guy at the bar bumped me from behind when ordering a drink....perfect lead way for me, yet I just looked away and did my own thing hoping against hope he'd talk to me. Evidently that hoping was all for nothing - because I was waiting for him and we all know that when you wait for a man to take a hint, you're going to be waiting a long time. I wanted to talk to him, but I'm a fucking STOOGE and I didn't. I didn't take the initiative for fear of rejection. Ass. If I had made a joke about it or done the same exact thing I do on a regular basis whenever I'm NOT in a bar, I would have been fine and I'm most positive that the night would have progressed differently.

On our drive home I spoke to Trixie about my observations and she agreed. To make a long story short I'm going to do some research on this. I'm going to start keeping a log of what works and what doesn't work. I'll try to do this objectively and then at the end I'll compile my notes. Who knows what I'll find......I'm smelling a book deal.

I know I rant and rave about meeting men and not meeting men. One day I want to meet the love of my life, the next I couldn't be bothered with men. But I've come to realize that for many many years I relied on a man to make me feel complete and its a hard habit to get out of. My father was my idol growing up and I looked up to him so much and somehow and in some way I'm always looking for validation from a man to get that same feeling of acceptance.

I'm here to say that I don't need a man's acceptance anymore. My father to this day is proud of me and loves me for the way I am. From this I should understand that its me to love and not what I do.

Slowly but surely its all coming together. I complain and complain and I don't do anything about it. But in the last few weeks I have. I joined a company that sends me updates for open casting calls, I've started reading the paper for second jobs and even called a few places. Although I hurt my foot, I'm still eating better and I'm trying to excercise on regular basis. Things are unfolding slowly, but its still better than where I was 6 months ago.

Online Dating
I've never ever done something like that. But I was invited by a friend to join At first I blew it off and then I saw that Jason Mulgrew did it as well and it was like a sign. So I joined just to see what it was all about. Not really sure what to make of it just yet, but I'm going to give it a shot to meet new people. Not just men, but people in general who hold the same interests as myself. I need to surround myself with people who can fuel my mind and surround me with nothing but good stuff.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't check out the men on this thing and if I get the balls I might even email one or two. We'll see. I'm actually asking all of you what you think.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

My Foot Hurts But it Won't Stop Me

Something is wrong with my foot and I don't know what the hell is going on. It figures because its been a few months since I've had stiches, a cast, sprained something, broke something or invariably found myself in the ER for some kind of ailment. I was due.

Saturday night I left the bar (prior to having even one sip of my drink) to run to the ATM across the street. On my return I must of stepped on a rock or a twig and twisted my ankle. It hurt at first, but I blew it off....liquor was awaiting me inside. My foot did not bother me that night and I really don't have a recollection of it bothering me on Sunday either - not this pain at least. But I was at Great Adventure all day and both my feet were sore so I let it be.

But over the past few days the pain has increased somewhat to the point that I'm uncomfortable. Here's the thing though, I have an EXTREMELY high tolerance for pain. Probably because I've torn and broken so many things in my life that now when I get hurt, its like "whatever."

I'm not just saying this either. I have a back issue and I had to go for neuorological testing. I told the doc that I had a high tolerance for pain and he proved my theory correct when he kept uping the voltage on the shocks. It happens.

Anyway, if my foot is still bothering me 4 days later, something must be wrong right? My foot is very slightly swollen and it has minor, VERY minor discoloration. Yet the pain would lead me to believe that there is something seriously wrong. So what gives? I guess I should have it looked at, but I'll wait until after the weekend since I won't be around here, I'll be in Boston and the liquor will numb the pain until I get back. Sweet.

This weekend is going to be a shit fest of epic proportions and tonight starts the festivities. Nice. Trixie and I are headed to our normal watering hole tonight to get our drink on. Then tomorrow (pending on whether or not we have off), we'll wake up, grab H and head to Boston for the weekend.

Boston, oh how I love thee. I'm seriously looking forward to it. I have no set plans iwth the exception of a party Friday night with a load of people I don't know. Nice. Other than that, the world is my oyster and what happens this weekend happens. I have no expectations for what Trixie and I will be up to the remainder of the weekend, which is how I prefer it....then I'm not disappointed. Ooooooo, maybe I'll meet a cute wouldn't that be loverly??

I'm NOT looking forward to the drive to Boston with H though. I want to punch him in his round head, but whatever. Hopefully I'll be rocking a hangover and I'll sleep all the way there. Perhaps I'll confront him about the stick that's up his ass and find out what the hell is wrong with this kid. Fuck him right? Asshole. - thank god he's staying with other friends and we won't be seeing him. Don't get me wrong. I like the kid, he's a nice enough piece of garbage, and if you were to meet him, you'd like him. I just don't get him.

Yes I'm cranky right now. I haven't had coffee and my foot is fucking killing me. It happens.

Oh and if you're wondering what happened with Ted, nothing. I didn't feel like talking to him, so I didn't. Oh well, 'dem is the brakes.

I'm hungry.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Recap/Goodbye's/and Hello There Marcus....

We all know I had an exboyfriend. We all know that he was a really good friend but a lousey boyfriend due to his drug and alcohol abuse. We all know that it took me a long time to get over him, but I did. Then he shows up in my life again. This time he's my friend. We'll see each other at some point on the weekends to chill out and we'll talk during the week - nothing major, all very simple. He wants a relationship with me, I don't want one with him. Got it?

But lately when I talk to him on the phone, I want to strangle him. I want to punch him so hard in the head and demolish him. Just fucking END HIM. - Spare me people - I hear you all saying "GO FOR IT!" or "DUH MER!!! TOLD YOU SO!!!!" - fuck you. I did what I had to do.

We all have things in life we have to do. This was one of them. On my own, I figured it out. I'm finally seeing that not much has changed. Oh yeh sure he's not doing the coke, the pills and drinking 12-24 beers on a Tuesday nigth, but he still smokes pot and he'll still have a few beers. Not what it used to be, but its still present and that's what bothers me. That and things come out slowly and I feel like I still don't have the whole picture. Its like I know I'll never trust him.

I plan on discussing this with him and telling him I no longer want him in my life. There is no us and we really don't have anything in common. He was hoping to prove to me how much he's changed, but in small doses I'm seeing that I really don't care for him or his existence. In a perfect world I would have liked to be back with him in a couple capacity - we really do have a nice friendship, but our priorities are way different - like I have them. He'll never learn and that's sad. Sad because its a waste of life.

All of you wanted me to stay far far away from him, but I missed him. The "what if" factor came into play and I ran with it. I ran with caution, don't get me wrong, but I'm so happy I ran with it. You know why? Because after this, I can close that chapter once and for all. I can make peace with myself and my emotions and lay it all to rest. Some of us go our ENTIRE lives thinking about the what if factor, but I won't anymore.

Sure I could very well turn around and never call him again. But he deserves a reason. He deserves to know why he is losing me a second time, even if it is just as a friend. I simply cannot stand to watch him walk the fine line between sobriety and being an abuser of anything. That line is so fine and delicate that having this talk with him has me believing I'll push him over the edge. Hopefully he's as strong as he keeps telling me he is. Either way, I need more time away from him.


On a lighter note, Marcus is barking up my tree again. I think ever since he decided that things were "moving too fast" - (yank the crank - I mean paaalease, we had what, two dates?) - he's regretted that choice ever since. I think he got freaked because we had such an intense connection - (and when I say connection I mean I had paint all over me from rolling around in his studio- nice) that it scared him. The second time we hung out, I got a little freaked at how easy it was to slide right into relationship mode - i.e. holding hands and stuff. It was friggin weird. But anyway, I won't get into logistics about the whole scenario, but I'll say that after time, he's come to show me he's regretted it. Good.


I see him in my building and around campus a few times a week. He always tells me I'm beautiful or how good I look or some derivative of that. Every time he says something I say thank you and move onward. I let it all go because I'm a hot commodity around here, I certainly DO NOT need to be pining for the likes of him when there are so many other fish in the sea. Know what I'm sayin'?

Yet, I'm still drawn to him. Go figure.

Marcus is a quiet, good looking guy with such intense passion, that when he looks at me a certain way, I get weak in the knees. No joke. What draws me to him is this said passion. Not sure if I've said this before, but perfect matches for me are Gemini's and Libra's and he's a full fledge Libra. WHOOP OH BOY!!!! LOOK OUT!

The other day I drive past him as he's crossing the street (I'm looking hot too, I got my hair down, sunglasses on and I'm cruising in Lola - what could be hotter?????) and I give him a little seductive "hello" wave (head to the side, cute smile, little wave) and I continue on. Two seconds later I get the text "you're hot" - my response? "and I'm fun too..."

Let him swim in that and fester over what he could have had. HA!!!!

So this weekend we spoke about chilling for Halloween, but I never left the first bar to meet up with him. Today, I see him on the elevator and he asks me what happened. We get to chatting and I'm getting the vibe from him. The intense "I want you right now" vibe.

Good GOD I need ass.....

Where was I? Oh right, so I'm thinking, there can't be any harm in hanging with him again. Could there?

Perhaps I'll just keep him on the back burner. If anything I would seriously like to chill with him again because he's just about the only other person I know who is cultured in the same things as I am. If a relationship were to develop, all the better because he's a great kisser. Did I just say that?........Nope, not doing it. Can't. Past is the past. I'm moving onward remember?