Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Random Thoughts

Where to begin is the question right now. At first I didn't post yesterday because I didn't have anything substantial to post or at least I had a few ideas, but I didn't know which to go with. Today will be a conglomeration of randomness so hold on.

Trixie and I headed up to Boston this weekend. As you all know, Trixie and I try to head someplace every 8 weeks or so. Last time I was in Boston I had a blast and I loved the city so much that it was decided that I had to go back. The fact that I actually have a friend(s) there only put a cherry on top. To anyone and everyone I met this weekend in Boston, I want to extend a special thank you because you not only made me feel welcome in your hometown, but I had a great time.

I won't get into the whole trip because it was like most trips - we did the tourist thing, we ate and we got drunk.

I am not a bad looking broad, however, I do not get picked up by men as much as you would think. At first this bothered me - it had me second guessing myself and how I look and acted. But then I realized it was when a man spoke to me, when he actually took 5 minutes to have a conversation with me that he was interested in me. I realized that my mother was right, I can speak on a multitude of topics, yet men were not hitting on me from straight across a crowded room. Oh sure, I got the looks, but why wasn't I approached? This weekend I realized why and I brought this up to Trixie.

When I'm in a bar, my shyness to meet other men overwhelms me. Not in the sense that I piss myself or anything, its that I never hold eye contact. Not only that, but even if we play flirty eyes, I look away a lot - giving off the persona that I think my shit doesn't stink. Its not that I make a face like a stick is up my ass, its the fact that I don't hold the contact long enough to let him know I'm interested. Its the Jersey stare - the "don't look at me you pervert stare." - and I had NO IDEA that I did it. I observed myself and Trixie this weekend from an objective point of view and now I understand it.

See when we were in Boston our first night we went to a house party, great time by the way. There were at least four guys who hit on me (one of which got the address to this blog so cross your fingers for me) and it was all so easy. Then the next night at the bar....nada. I took a look at the way we were standing, the looks we were giving and it all made sense.

Saturday night, a nice looking guy at the bar bumped me from behind when ordering a drink....perfect lead way for me, yet I just looked away and did my own thing hoping against hope he'd talk to me. Evidently that hoping was all for nothing - because I was waiting for him and we all know that when you wait for a man to take a hint, you're going to be waiting a long time. I wanted to talk to him, but I'm a fucking STOOGE and I didn't. I didn't take the initiative for fear of rejection. Ass. If I had made a joke about it or done the same exact thing I do on a regular basis whenever I'm NOT in a bar, I would have been fine and I'm most positive that the night would have progressed differently.

On our drive home I spoke to Trixie about my observations and she agreed. To make a long story short I'm going to do some research on this. I'm going to start keeping a log of what works and what doesn't work. I'll try to do this objectively and then at the end I'll compile my notes. Who knows what I'll find......I'm smelling a book deal.

I know I rant and rave about meeting men and not meeting men. One day I want to meet the love of my life, the next I couldn't be bothered with men. But I've come to realize that for many many years I relied on a man to make me feel complete and its a hard habit to get out of. My father was my idol growing up and I looked up to him so much and somehow and in some way I'm always looking for validation from a man to get that same feeling of acceptance.

I'm here to say that I don't need a man's acceptance anymore. My father to this day is proud of me and loves me for the way I am. From this I should understand that its me to love and not what I do.

Slowly but surely its all coming together. I complain and complain and I don't do anything about it. But in the last few weeks I have. I joined a company that sends me updates for open casting calls, I've started reading the paper for second jobs and even called a few places. Although I hurt my foot, I'm still eating better and I'm trying to excercise on regular basis. Things are unfolding slowly, but its still better than where I was 6 months ago.

Online Dating
I've never ever done something like that. But I was invited by a friend to join MySpace.com. At first I blew it off and then I saw that Jason Mulgrew did it as well and it was like a sign. So I joined just to see what it was all about. Not really sure what to make of it just yet, but I'm going to give it a shot to meet new people. Not just men, but people in general who hold the same interests as myself. I need to surround myself with people who can fuel my mind and surround me with nothing but good stuff.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't check out the men on this thing and if I get the balls I might even email one or two. We'll see. I'm actually asking all of you what you think.

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