We all know I had an exboyfriend. We all know that he was a really good friend but a lousey boyfriend due to his drug and alcohol abuse. We all know that it took me a long time to get over him, but I did. Then he shows up in my life again. This time he's my friend. We'll see each other at some point on the weekends to chill out and we'll talk during the week - nothing major, all very simple. He wants a relationship with me, I don't want one with him. Got it?
But lately when I talk to him on the phone, I want to strangle him. I want to punch him so hard in the head and demolish him. Just fucking END HIM. - Spare me people - I hear you all saying "GO FOR IT!" or "DUH MER!!! TOLD YOU SO!!!!" - fuck you. I did what I had to do.
We all have things in life we have to do. This was one of them. On my own, I figured it out. I'm finally seeing that not much has changed. Oh yeh sure he's not doing the coke, the pills and drinking 12-24 beers on a Tuesday nigth, but he still smokes pot and he'll still have a few beers. Not what it used to be, but its still present and that's what bothers me. That and things come out slowly and I feel like I still don't have the whole picture. Its like I know I'll never trust him.
I plan on discussing this with him and telling him I no longer want him in my life. There is no us and we really don't have anything in common. He was hoping to prove to me how much he's changed, but in small doses I'm seeing that I really don't care for him or his existence. In a perfect world I would have liked to be back with him in a couple capacity - we really do have a nice friendship, but our priorities are way different - like I have them. He'll never learn and that's sad. Sad because its a waste of life.
All of you wanted me to stay far far away from him, but I missed him. The "what if" factor came into play and I ran with it. I ran with caution, don't get me wrong, but I'm so happy I ran with it. You know why? Because after this, I can close that chapter once and for all. I can make peace with myself and my emotions and lay it all to rest. Some of us go our ENTIRE lives thinking about the what if factor, but I won't anymore.
Sure I could very well turn around and never call him again. But he deserves a reason. He deserves to know why he is losing me a second time, even if it is just as a friend. I simply cannot stand to watch him walk the fine line between sobriety and being an abuser of anything. That line is so fine and delicate that having this talk with him has me believing I'll push him over the edge. Hopefully he's as strong as he keeps telling me he is. Either way, I need more time away from him.
On a lighter note, Marcus is barking up my tree again. I think ever since he decided that things were "moving too fast" - (yank the crank - I mean paaalease, we had what, two dates?) - he's regretted that choice ever since. I think he got freaked because we had such an intense connection - (and when I say connection I mean I had paint all over me from rolling around in his studio- nice) that it scared him. The second time we hung out, I got a little freaked at how easy it was to slide right into relationship mode - i.e. holding hands and stuff. It was friggin weird. But anyway, I won't get into logistics about the whole scenario, but I'll say that after time, he's come to show me he's regretted it. Good.
SUCK IT MO FO!!!!!
I see him in my building and around campus a few times a week. He always tells me I'm beautiful or how good I look or some derivative of that. Every time he says something I say thank you and move onward. I let it all go because I'm a hot commodity around here, I certainly DO NOT need to be pining for the likes of him when there are so many other fish in the sea. Know what I'm sayin'?
Yet, I'm still drawn to him. Go figure.
Marcus is a quiet, good looking guy with such intense passion, that when he looks at me a certain way, I get weak in the knees. No joke. What draws me to him is this said passion. Not sure if I've said this before, but perfect matches for me are Gemini's and Libra's and he's a full fledge Libra. WHOOP OH BOY!!!! LOOK OUT!
The other day I drive past him as he's crossing the street (I'm looking hot too, I got my hair down, sunglasses on and I'm cruising in Lola - what could be hotter?????) and I give him a little seductive "hello" wave (head to the side, cute smile, little wave) and I continue on. Two seconds later I get the text "you're hot" - my response? "and I'm fun too..."
Let him swim in that and fester over what he could have had. HA!!!!
So this weekend we spoke about chilling for Halloween, but I never left the first bar to meet up with him. Today, I see him on the elevator and he asks me what happened. We get to chatting and I'm getting the vibe from him. The intense "I want you right now" vibe.
Good GOD I need ass.....
Where was I? Oh right, so I'm thinking, there can't be any harm in hanging with him again. Could there?
Perhaps I'll just keep him on the back burner. If anything I would seriously like to chill with him again because he's just about the only other person I know who is cultured in the same things as I am. If a relationship were to develop, all the better because he's a great kisser. Did I just say that?........Nope, not doing it. Can't. Past is the past. I'm moving onward remember?