Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Failure is Not an Option

It is not an option. I need to find happiness. I need to find it on my own and how it works for me. I’ve been through too much to allow more shit in my life. Again, I allowed someone in, and despite my gut feelings, I ignored them and got hurt again. It is no one’s fault but my own. No really, I get that. It has been pounded into my forehead, by myself, over and over again. But I trust easily and I am the forever willing romantic.

The good thing is I didn’t let it stop me. I was aware of the situation and I moved forward rather fast. Is that crazy? Nah, I think if anything it was proof positive that I need to read my gut more often. I need to just stop once in a while and make those tough decisions for myself no matter how hard they are.

Where did this all come from anyway Meredith? I’ll tell you.

Last week was just a rough one. I’m beginning to think that once a month I hit an estrogen low and then I get in a funk. Was it another break up….mmmmm maybe, although like I said, I saw it coming and before the official “end” I had already started moving on. Perhaps it was the fact that I graduated college – FUCKING FINALLY – and I didn’t have a job.

Was it so delusional of me to think I would go to school, get me degree and find a job? Isn’t that the natural way things are supposed to go? Oh that’s right, we’re in the life of Meredith and nothing goes according to plan. I do it all backwards and I learn everything the hard way. Thank god, I learn though. I will say that much.

Here I am, no boyfriend, no job, kinda in a world of limbo meandering about waiting. But that’s it – I’m not waiting, I’ve been taking the profound, “Bull by the Horns” and been looking for a job….and been out on the town looking for a man. Ok well not really. I don’t actually look (or hunt shall we say) for a man. I’m too old for that shit. I can’t do it anymore. They come to me – problem is, they are always so much younger. Urgh – I’m over that. Never again another too young man for me. I might look friggin young, but I can’t be with someone who hasn’t seen even an eighth of what I have been through.

Sigh….so Meredith is single again…..again. I knew it would happen. Oh well. But the job thing – that’s what is so killing me. Tomorrow I do in fact have an interview, but it is in sales and it is commission. I guess beggers can’t be choosers right?

Double sigh…..but I will persevere. I have no alternative. I must amp myself up and take charge once again. I must know that it will never be an easy path for me. I must know that is not the luck I have. I must know, that this too shall pass.

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