Thursday, April 06, 2006

Second Chances

Lately I’ve been put in circumstances that I haven’t been in before. Its most likely a result of being single. I guess when you are single and only responsible for yourself, you are more open and apt to do things you wouldn’t normally do if you were in a relationship. Many times I’ve found myself saying “why not?” – Why not give it a shot? Why not just try it? Life is too short.

That’s how I feel about second chances…unless the consequences of said event warrants a “you are dead to me” kind of reaction then in most cases its ok. Because let’s be honest, sometimes you can’t forgive an individual for the hurt and pain they’ve caused. Other than that, I’ve learned that people aren’t perfect, they fuck up and so do I.

We’ve all received second chances and even rewarded others with them. They can be work related, friendship related, even family related but for the sake of this post we’ll focus more on the relationship aspect of a second chance.

For me, when you break up with someone you can’t go back. The hurt is there, the pain ever present. It takes a lot from both individuals to work past that and I find that many people aren’t capable because one or the other isn’t wiling to put in the effort. Second chances in love are far and few between and seldom work out. I know plenty of people who have gone back to ex’s, but think about it, how many times did that truly work in their favor when it was a dismal relationship to begin with? Pain and stubbornness….true killers.

My question is - Is dating any different? I’m not so cynical to admit that when its right, its right, but a first date can’t always be perfect, it just doesn’t happen. Do you give it another whirl or do you accept it for what it is/was? Now I’m a little old fashioned and I’ll wait for the guy to call me, sure it doesn’t always work out, but how else will I weed out those who aren’t interested in me? Its kind of simple, but some women/men can’t push aside their ego long enough to realize that perhaps the other person simply wasn’t feeling you.

I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend and she finds herself in these predicaments quite a lot with new men. She’s not used to being alone and will make excuses for a man’s lack of presence just so in her minds eye, she’s not alone. She will pine for him until she receives even the slightest of communication taking it as “a sign” that he’s still interested. There is only so much advice to give her and the best I do is tell her this. My feeling is that if someone wants to be with you, they make themselves more present in your life…they make themselves and their feelings known. How much can you chuck off to bad timing? There is a fine line and you have to read in between….some people are finicky and they’ll lead you around by the nose, that’s when they don’t get a second chance. Nope – can’t do it because when you snooze, you lose. I told her, you have to have some kind of self respect because if you don’t, then who will? You are giving a green light to everyone to step all over you.

It comes down to a matter of opinion and reading your gut. In a time when its all about playing the game, you have to step up to the plate and make some executive decisions about who does and who does not get a second chance otherwise its something taken for granted.

A second chance, if anything, gives you yourself more clarity because then you can formulate your own love hypothesis and decide if this is something to pursue or not. Second chances aren’t only for the person who fucked up, but also can be closure for the fuckee. Think about it.

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