Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Its All About Me

Last night was a mellow night - and we all know what that means right? Mer had a chance to sit and reflect. The best part of that is, there was no drama to reflect on - nothing, nope, nada, not doing it. Oh sure I have a few boys I'm talking to, but that's it and that's only drama if I turn into a stupid silly girlie. Boys aren't anything I can't handle. But I did realize that I am happier now than I've been in a long time and it can only get better from here.

This website (blog) is mine and mine alone. I can say what I want at any point in time and its all mine to call my own. That makes me so incredibly happy. For the longest time in my life I felt that I belonged to everyone else, that everything I did was for someone else. I hate to be obligated to do anything for anyone. I have a big heart and I like to share, but on my terms. I know it sounds fucked up, but I'm prouder of what I do when I can do it with no strings attached - but I'm getting away from my point. My point is, I've worn so many hats in my life, I've never worn one for me.

Example - I am my parents daughter, I am my sister's sister. I am an aunt, I was a wife, I was a girlfriend, and at times I am a good friend in general. I am now an executive secretary and I am now single. My point is, I can now call myself something else. And this title makes me the most happy because its mine and it identifies me for me, for more than a pretty face, for more than any of the titles above to which they belong. This title is reserved for me and me alone.

I am a writer.

Ok, so at times I'm not "THE BEST" writer in the world, but this blog, this diary, is about me, for me, by me. Yes I talk about friends, family and even lovers (shock!) - but it is all from my perspective and my opinion. I could blatantly lie through my teeth and make up all this bullshit, but its not. What you read is what you get, I don't fabricate and I don't lie. Of course this is from my perspective and my perspective alone, but I don't care, I'm not here to please anyone, just myself.

Every time I sit down and write, each time I take time out of my existence to recount the silly and sometimes awful things that happen in my life, its therapeutic because its about me. Ever talk to your best friend and just want them to listen? Ever just want to totally sit and kick back and just talk about your problems, your feelings, your shit and not have it upstaged by another story of theirs? Friends are friends and that's what you are supposed to do, listen, comment, react and recount. But sometimes it feels so good to just have diarrhea of the mouth and not have to have your story immediately turned over, forgotten or even pooped on by their story. I've had the kind of friends or lack there of, who couldn't communicate in that capacity - until now. AND I LOVE IT. I love my little community of networking friends - and yes, I think of us all on the internet as a quasi-community of sorts.

I'm totally being selfish, I'm totally pulling on the reigns and screaming YEEHHAAA!!!! Because for once in my life, I have something to call my own. Something that describes me and all my passions. There is so much more to me than meets the eye. I get so hyped up when I talk to someone new because I want them to know what a big heart I have and how fabulous of a person I can truly be. I want them to know that until you cross me or give me any other reason otherwise, I will be a good friend and confidant blue and true.

I don't know, maybe you get my point, maybe you don't. I'm not that good of a writer yet for you to truly feel like you are part of my life. But I digress because it doesn't matter - this is my forum to talk and to let loose. This is my therapy, my church, my place of worship. Does it matter to me whether or not I reach you on a deeper level than what is here on the surface? Sometimes, yes it does but its not why I do this. This is for me and for me alone. Having strangers read this and share in their lives is just a bonus. I have become extremely happy to know some of the people that I now know through this site. It makes me feel less lonely, it makes me feel wanted and its all because I shared a part of me. Everyday I bring you into my world - of course my world resembles something like that out of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, yet I still invite you in.

Take a peek, look around, sit back and relax. Its all about being content with one self. When you find that, everything else just falls into place.


Matt said...

Damn nice blog today, I must say!

Trixie said...

Great reflection. love ya Mer!