Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Momentary Lapse

This is a momentary lapse, I'm sure of it, but I have to write about it because that's the only way I'm able to figure anything out. Don't get your panties in an uproar, I've got a clear head about things, but let me explain.

For whatever reason, I am feeling an overwhelming sense of anxiety about being with Jake. I feel, not necessarily tied down, but I do feel antsy. I"M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING STUPID. Jake is by far a great, wonderful man and I would be an idiot to ever wrong him. That said, my skin feels tingly like I want to rip it off, my thoughts are racing and I'm tending to feel like I have to run.

Not cool.

I was wondering why I feel like this, what the hell could possibly be wrong with me to get this anxiety ridden reflex so fast and early and I've come up with a few suggestions. First off, my zodiac sign (yes very corny), is Aquarius and by nature, Aquarian's don't like to feel trapped or obligated. They tend to hate restriction and embrace freedom.....wow - so me. Second, I had a dream last night and after analzying the elements of the dream, they have me feeling icky this morning. Like the feelings from this dream are still stuck in my head.

If you've read this blog before, you know I have issues with committement. Its not that I don't think I can be faithful - I can. Its not that I don't want to be with someone for the rest of my life, its just that I don't think I could honestly be interested in any one person for that length of time. Or perhaps I can, I just haven't found him yet.

I've voiced these concerns before and I"M NOT TALKING MARRIAGE already. SO NOT DOING THAT. However, you can tell in the first few weeks of dating someone whether or not you could see it traveling that path. I could see it traveling that path if I were willing to settle. If I put my mind to it, I could do it, but already I'm getting antsy. I have to read my gut right?

Example, last time I went to his house I stayed over night. I knew what time I wanted to leave the following day, and once it got to be within a few hours of said hour, I started to get antsy and I couldn't be huggy, touchy, feely with him the way I was all weekend. And sometimes I feel like I'm giving into the "want" of wanting to be in a relationship. God I hope that's not the case. He's so nice and wonderful and a life or even a long time with him would be nothing but him treating me well and taking care of me.

Am I too afraid of a good thing? He doesn't give me butterflies that others have given me, but at the same time, I'm immediately comfortable with him. Something is missing.

Shit - I'm analyzing. - Its got to be the dream I had that is making me feel this way because I swear, yesterday I didn't feel like this.

In a way I know that this relationship isn't going to go the distance, but in the last month (yes, I've been dating him a month today), he's grown on me and I didn't want to analyze anything because to be truthful, there wasn't anything to analyze. Nothing to pick apart and find wrong. He's sweet, he's kind, he's truthful, no games, he's always hugging and kissing me, he even sleeps with one hand on me at all times. Its lovely. Maybe that's why I'm panicking because there is nothing wrong and I'm feeling trapped.

God I suck.

Sigh......

I scratch my head and I look at the screen thinking to myself that life is easier when I don't think, but my gut, my nagging gut is doing a 60/40 split right now. 60% says it ain't going to work and the other 40% is screaming and fighting to make it work. Its confusing.

And if it wasn't confusing enough - there is another spice to throw into the mix. What I've neglected to say before, because it wasn't important, is this, there is a potential someone else. Don't worry, don't worry - we ONLY talk. He does want to chill and I've been 100% honest with this other guy and he knows about Jake. I don't want to fuck up a good thing and I don't want to play with fire. We just talk.

Now this is where smart Mer steps in. I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm going to continue being happy with Jake and enjoy my time with him. I like him, there is nothing to NOT not like about him. He's great and I'd be an idiot to intentionally fuck up a good thing. That said, Jake and I are missing "something" - not sure what it is, but I won't let the nag get to me. When it dawns on me, whether it be tomorrow or 6 years from now, I'll deal with it.

Curiosity is definitely rearing its ugly face around the corner telling me that I should hang with this other guy at least once. I'm going to hold off on that for now which is most likely best (See? Smart Mer). I am not "going steady" with Jake, but I do respect him enough to not fuck around, plus that's not how I roll. I've been brutally honest with him this whole time. I've even gone far enough to tell him that marriage and kids might never be part of my forecast.....and he's handled it all with style.

I can't help but give him major props. He must really really like me to let me spew my jargon on him and still want to be with me. In a way its sad and in a way its endearing. I'm not a bitch and I'll never use that to my advantage. I can't. My mother brought me up better - good ol' Italian guilt works wonders.

2 comments:

Dave said...

God I love this blog.

NCTRNL said...

Nothing is safe with you is it?