Its been a few days since I last posted and my feelings have not changed, if anything, they've become more clear.
After talking with my friends and giving myself some "alone" time I've come to the conclusion that it is best to be forward and direct with Jake. I should tell him everything.
What I've neglected to tell you all is that I'm actually going through some other personal stuff so these issues with Jake aren't making life any easier. First off, my grandmother - we know she has a form of Dimentia, but now we also believe she's suffered a mini stroke. She's 78 or 79 years old and she's slowly been losing it. Talking to her either exasperates you or makes you angry. My poor mother deals with her the most and its not easy to see your own mother be unhappy. Second, my dog. My wonderful Rotty has a new heart murmur. After $210 already at the vet, I know that his organs aren't in any danger, but after some more testing (more moolah I don't have), I'll know if its the onset of congestive heart failure which I'm almost positive it is.
Lastly, I have a set of goals I want to accomplish in 2006. They are long term goals, but I haven't started not a one. I'm getting down on myself for that, but at the same time I know the only way to do them is to focus on myself and I'm spreading myself thin when I spend time with Jake on the weekends. I need to back off with him. Definitely.
Jake called me a little while ago and he knows something is up. He asked me if everything was ok and I told him that I'm in one of those moods. I told him that I've been very introverted this week because I'm not good at talking about my feelings (with other people that is - and that's truth). I told him that I have a lot on my mind and I'll work up the courage to speak to him about it this evening. I told him that I have a lot of goals set for myself for 2006 (second job, an apartment, pay bills, get on my feet, take some classes and lessons, etc.) and I'm upset that I haven't started any of them yet. I assured him that he hasn't done anything wrong and not to worry.
Later I'll start with telling him about my dog and my grandmother. Then I'll get into the whole 2006 goals and how I really want to focus on those things right now. I'm going to reassure him that he hasn't done anything wrong, but right now I have to focus on me. I might cancel tomorrow night because he isn't feeling well and I'll use this as an opportunity to take a break from him. Perhaps I'll see him Sunday - we'll meet at a mutual location or something. I don't know how that will go over, but I'm going to try and work it in. The good thing is that this isn't B.S. - this is truth - everything I'm telling him is truth. So I don't feel so horrible as I normally would. AND he told me that I can talk to him about anything and he asked again if it was about him. I told him no, its me - that I'm not good about talking about my feelings and I will. I also said, "But I thought I've been very honest with you so far." And he agreed that I have been, so for now its ok. He knows I'm not ready for a relationship, but we are falling into one. I'm very glad that I was honest from the beginning. That I am thankful for.
I feel so mellow and tired today. I'm not even going out tonight (GASP!!) I know this is the right decision, but its making me feel like I have a ton of bricks on my shoulders and until I speak to him, I won't feel any better. I want to speak to him face to face, but to drive an hour just to disappoint someone is no good. I'll get the ball rolling tonight on the phone.....its all in the timing.