Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I Abhor Dating

Awful, I feel awful....because I'm acting the EXACT way I didn't want to act toward him. I am the ultimate asshole. Ok, that's stretching it because technically I'm not doing anything wrong, but then why do I not feel good about it? Why do I question myself and not feel right? I feel icky like I betrayed him, yet I haven't done anything wrong. He's not my boyfriend, we are not committed to one another. I haven't wronged him in any way.

I think tonight I should come clean about it all. I should tell him that although I like him, he really does live too far for this to work. Come on now - think about it. I don't see him all week and if I'm going to see him then I have to give up my entire weekend. I can't do that - I'm not ready for a relationship with him and I don't think we have what it takes to go the distance for a this relationship....so there. - does it sound like I'm trying to convince myself? It does right? Why do I feel guilty for not liking him as much? - most likely because my mother has always used guilt against me like any Italian mother would. Its a natural reaction I have when I know I've been dishonest.

Last night I fibbed a little to him. I don't want to see him 4 days in a row and I didn't know how to tell him that. Plus I wanted to make other plans that did not involve him - does that make me a bad person? I feel bad and I shouldn't. I really really need to get the balls and flat out tell him what's up. Its soooo hard to because when I get on the phone with him, I can't do it. I just can't and I've NEVER ever had an issue being honest with anyone despite what the topic is.

Yes, I'm moaning again. I'm totally whining and being a little insecure girl. I'm sorry - its so hard to hurt someone that you don't want to intentionally hurt. Too bad I couldn't write him a letter because then I could just do it and be done with it.

URGH!!!! I sooooo loathe dating.

1 comment:

NCTRNL said...

Don't talk to me about him living too far away for this to work...that's a cop out....