Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Thanks, But No Thanks.

Despite the weekend I had, I’m still not in the best of moods. I can’t help it, its like no matter what I go through, no matter what happens or the steps I take to better myself and my life – nothing ever works out. Nothing and I’m tired. So tired.

I put up this strong façade for everyone – the full tough girl act like nothing bothers me when in reality, a lot bothers me. I never complain to anyone and if I do, I don’t complain to the same people. Only this site. This site is the only outlet I have.

Tired. Very very tired of all the same shit happening like some crazy life carousel. Round and round, up and down go the elements of my life. One horse represents family, another horse represents my career, another one my love life and another one money. Round and round up and down but nothing ever tapers off to a constant medium. Never.

When I think I finally have an answer to any one of those elements, I get thrown from the horse and I have to start all over again. I am a survivor, and I know that eventually something has to give, but honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up. How much longer can I keep pushing on? Atlanta is starting to look better and better.

Yes, its looking like they are all moving to Atlanta. We’ll have the final decision next week and then the ball will start rolling. My parents have decided no matter what happens with Atlanta, they are moving. They are done living in this area and want out. And last night, we had to put our dog of 15+ years down so my mother is ready for a change. I know a dog shouldn’t be a catalyst for change, but we got Cassie when she was a pup, she grew up in the house and now she’s gone, it’s the end of an era.

Changes are amongst us.

Now I know I’ve complained about money before, but now its gotten worse. My father’s commute to work is costing him about $30 a day. He's already started to look for something closer to home, but at 61 years old, its not like everyone is knocking themselves out to hire him. To help out, I’ve been paying their bills. I know as a good daughter its my duty to help out, I understand, it just sucks because it puts my life on hold. I love my parents and I really wish I could make it all better for them. I really do. I wish I made more money so I could help them even more, but I don’t.

And I’m tired of meeting men who are either in love with me and I’m not really into them or meeting a guy, getting excited that he might actually have something to offer, and then wham. No mas.

I talk to friends about my problems and issues, but some of them are so self absorbed that after a few minutes, they are telling me all about their problems. I don’t mind a change of subject, but I don’t want to talk about YOU anymore. I have my own problems. I feel like I sit there and listen to everyone else SO much that when I talk about myself, I’m being selfish so I wind up shutting up.


Atlanta really is starting to look better and better. I’ve rebuilt my life twice in three years, its starting to look like I’ll be doing it yet again. Urgh. Thanks, but no thanks.


anne arkham said...

$30 a day? Whoa.

NCTRNL said...

You're paying all their bills? Geez. I wouldn't be able to eat...