Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Don't Fuck with My Heart

So very confused.

Part of me wants to talk to him. Its not weakness, don't mistake my need to want to talk to him for weakness. I loved him. I loved him and cared for him more than any individual in my entire life. We had a connection, a bond - it was unspoken, it was an already stated thing the second we started dating.

Part of me doesn't want to talk to him. It hurt what happened, it hurt more than my actual divorce from my husband. When he was cold, mean and distant, it was like my world was crashing around me. When I decided that I had to leave - well before he became so mean, cold and distant, it was the hardest decision of my life, but I knew I had to make it. And I did.

By no means am I jumping into anything. If I've learned a god damn thing from any of this, its to go with my gut. Yes, curiousty killed the cat, and I'm VERY wary of it all, very very very wary. My heart and my head are actually in unison on this one....let what needs to be said, be said, but do NOT under any circumstances become involved on any level.

That said, he is being served up to me on a silver platter. Everything I have ever wanted to hear from him, I've heard. EVERYTHING. I won't go into it, you'll either judge him and call him a pussy, or you'll judge me and call me an asshole. Either way, I don't want to hear it.

I looked to friends and family for support. All I wanted to hear was be careful. Do what you have to do to gain closure, but be careful. We understand. We know. I got that from two people....Trixie and Kelly. They know why I have to talk to him. They understand. They also know that I won't do anything stupid. I can't. If I were to do something stupid, it would be the end of me. The end of Mer. I can't allow that to happen again.

We've talked. I can say that much. Its been interesting to say the least. Its been hard to hear his voice, it was almost unbearable to look at him after court the other day. He's still very good looking and charming in a boyish manner. To look at his arms, his chest, those hands.....all of it. It was hard.

I still love him. That hurts. He loves me. That hurts more.

I know..... I KNOW.... that I can never go back. That chapter is closed. I told him that. I don't care if that hurt him. I really don't. I am number one. Me. Never him again.

I really don't want to get into what was said on the phone. I believe it because it wasn't horseshit. It was real. Everything is very confusing, but my gut says ride it out - not in the sense to see where it goes with him, in the sense that talking to him will bring closure. It will give me something I've been looking for. I'm not ready for him to re-enter my life.

Why certain friends and family cannot understand that I do not know. They CANNOT get past the fact that I would even talk to him. Can't. Not sure if its ignorance or hate. I'm the one who this all happened to - I"M NOT AN IDIOT!!!! Trust in me and have faith in me - dont' berate me for making a decision as to talk to him. Its just talking - I'm not FUCIKING HIM - I"M NOT MARRYING HIM. A SIMPLE CONVERSATION IS ALL!!! I have things I want to say and clear up. Get it out in the air.

DO NOT tell me that there aren't things you've said and done in your life that you would like to re-do. Do NOT tell me that there isn't any one person in your life that you wish you could have said certain things to - that you don't regret not saying. That is where I am right now. I want to say some things and I'm being given the opportunity. I will. I will tell him next time we speak.

I love him. Yes. But I'm not IN love with him. I can walk away very easily. I take no shit.

1 comment:

anne arkham said...

You will get through this. I have every confidence in you.