Thursday, September 08, 2005

My Life is a Carnival of Events & Emotions. Ticket Please.

Nothing to really post. Actually I have a lot to say, but I'm still a little "off" because of what happened between Kenny and I. I'm trying to be honest and take a few days from everything. Not all that fair to him, but I can't help that. What would I have to offer if I didn't have my head on straight? More confusion for him? More hurt and disappointment for me? I don't want to play games, that's not my intention, but when you don't know what you want, then it is perceived that way. Perception is key because it can sway a vote to the left or the right.

I never really understood people who said that they "needed a break." Either you do or you don't want to be with someone. Trixie is going through that right now and I hate to watch her go through it. She loves someone dearly and they can't reciprocate on the level she can. Sometimes I want to punch this guy that she's on a break from because he's not there to see her cry about missing him. She was happy, happier than she'd ever been and he pulled out a big yellow yield sign on that happiness.

Now I understand, because at some point you need to be selfish. I'm not saying its right what this guy is doing to Trixie, but I can on some level understand it. Its one thing if its a week or two, its another when he carries on past that - that's what aggravates me for her. I love my gurl and I don't want that for her. She's a good person with lots to offer, who wouldn't want a sexy piece of ass like that 24/7? (he he).

Same for Kelly, I want nothing but good things for her. I won't say I'm happy that her and her man broke up, but I think it was best. However she still talks to him and that's dangerous. They want to be together, but yet they can't stop pushing each other's buttons long enough to realize it. I want her to be happy, same as she wants for me.

My mind is all over the place. I'm trying to get a point across and I'm failing miserably at it. I still don't know what I want, I think I'm pretty sure its not a comittment, not that Kenny was looking for that from me. But still, whether or not he felt like he was getting deeper, I was and that freaked me out because I'm not ready, too many doubts and confusion to wade through in order to be at that point right now. I did enjoy doing "couples things" with him, but then something would or might happen and I wig out, I can't breathe and I lose it. He knows this, I think. - well he reads the site, so now he does.

Do I have wild oats to sew? I don't think so because if that was the case I'd be getting laid right now. If I wanted a booty call, I have a rolodex and ample volunteers. And those that are close enough to me know that my "magic" number is very low and I want to keep it that way.

All of this paranoia from a stupid email that was read accidentially. Maybe Matty Mac is right and I like drama. I don't think so though only because I've been happier this summer than I've been in a very long time - and this was with no drama. Yeh, its not the drama. I hate drama, why can't we all just be?

And I've said it before and I'll say it again, this blog is a snippet of my life and feelings. I post my carnival of emotions and events for all to read and then I discuss them from my point and the potential point of the reader. This is one dimensional, nothing should ever be taken to heart or even taken seriously unless I say "TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY" - but I'm a goofball, so don't.

But I do think what makes this blog worthy of reading is my ability to connect with the reader - because I do try to cover all the angles - sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. Perhaps its popular because I'm just that fucked up and you all like a good car crash. Assholes. I still love you though.

1 comment:

anne arkham said...

You connect with this reader.