Friday, September 23, 2005

The Yellow Caution Flag

We've spoken more than once. This you know - you're not dumb so I won't even try to play you like that.

He's said some of the most beautiful and wonderful things - things he's never been able to say before - he now says with ease and I'm not talking "I Love you" - I'm talking some seriously deep shit here. He has said these things with confidence and vigor - something he's always lacked. He said, "I'm not out to prove anything to you....because I should already be doing all of these things. But I want you to see first hand how different I am and how different my life is."

We've talked at great length - I mean GREAT length - about what went wrong with the relationship - the problems, the situations, why they happened and he said it, "Meredith none of it was your fault. It was all me. I was a scumbag and I was selfish, none of it was you. You were always trying to help." - we have always been able to talk, but that's just it, it was always talk, this time he it seems like he can back it up.

He has said things that have brought me to tears and like always, he was there to pick me up - tell me to keep my chin up. The person I have spoken to on the phone is the EXACT man I was hoping he would always be - the person I waited around 2 years for is making an appearance and it seems like he's here to stay. He's ready to be a man not an asshole.

I'm EXTREMELY skeptical. Trust me I am. SHIT, you HAVE NO IDEA how skeptical I am. Take your skeptism and multiply by a babillion. I've made it VERY clear that nothing will happen anytime soon - any and all friendship or whatever you want to call it will be so damn slow because I still bare the scars.

I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass - and if you want to think I'm stupid or even an asshole for talking to him - FUCK YOU. The biggest problem in our relationship has been removed- from what I've been told and can see. Of course time will only tell, but - BUT if he has in fact changed those things, then I will allow him to slowly creep back into my life.

By no means will I stop having fun, going out with my guurrrrls and by NO means will I stop looking for someone. I can't - I'd be an idiot. I'm still headed to Boston, St. Martaan and perhaps even South Beach again for my birthday (that's still an open invite people).

It's still there though. Never in my entire life could I ever believe that I could have a connection or bond with someone else like I have with him. I will say this until the day I die. Is there ONE person in your life that you are meant to be with? I don't think so, but I do believe in unspoken bonds and connections. I believe that you can be truly deep with someone in a way you've never been with anyone else.

He said it is unfortunate that things, meaning the ENTIRE relationship, happened the way they did. I am the love of his life and he had to learn the hard way how fast that could be taken away - how much I really did mean to him. He said it, he truly believes that things happen for a reason and if losing me was the wake up call, he's glad it happened. I told him I have no pity for him or anything that has happened to him in the last few months and he said he doesn't want pity. It happened for a reason, but he can't help but thank god that his prayers have been answered and he was able to say what he's said to me in recent conversations.

I have a great support system around me, I have my very good friends and I know their love for me alone will not allow me to make the mistakes I've made before. My own fucking mind won't allow it either. I'm way smarter this time around. I DO want to believe he has changed, because if he has, then its ok for me to allow him back into my life - but if that mother fucker shows an ounce of his old "ways" - forget it. I told him, "I've left you once, I have no problem doing it again. Consider yourself a big lake and I’m a child standing on the shore sticking my toe in testing the water. Is it safe? It looks very scary, I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how deep the water is – or even what the temperature is. Before I didn’t care. I cannonballed. I dove right in not worried about consequences and before I knew it, I was drowning in you. I can’t let that happen."

He said it - everything happens at my pace. This time I'm uno numero, its all about Princess Meredith. He's excited to make it about me, to show me what he is really all about.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. Once again I turn to this website to let it all out - writing this out helps me think. It connects me with myself - my heart and brain come together to formulate a decision. They are both screaming "CAUTION" - but they also both want to see if this is real. I don't see anythig wrong with what I'm doing. I don't - because again, there is that union between us that makes it FEEL right. The second it feels icky, I'm out. ABORT! ABORT! will ring in my ears and I'll be out......but, I can't help it, I need to feel this out.....slowly.


anne arkham said...

Matt, a proposition: If he messes with her, you hold him and I'll hit him. Then we'll switch.

Matty Mac said...

sounds good to me Anne