Her Name Was Lola.....

Her name was Lola, she was a show car....that sucked the living life out of me.

I love my car. Yes, this is her, Lola. Let me tell you a little something about Lola, she's draining me for all I'm worth. Literally. As youwill recall I had to buy two new rear tires = $560. Then I had to get four new rotors and all new brakes = $740. I hate and fear debt so I paid for everything cash which killed me. Ever since then I've been struggling with bills and what not. Now with gas prices on the rise, it looks like I'll be putting air in the tires on my bike and setting out for a night out on the town with my Schwinn. That's gonna be hot.

I'm sure everyone out there is feeling my pain right now. I thought prices were going to go down after Labor Day - but apparently there was a problem overseas and that's not going to happen? You see I don't read the paper, I don't watch the news - not since 9/11 - I refuse to and I'm learning that I'm not alone. So all of this gas price raising and whatnot is taking me by surprise. I its my own dumb fault for not paying attention. Such is life.

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I'm going to have a treat for you all coming soon. Two other writers and myself (they will remain anonymous) are starting another blog - but this one has a little bit of a twist on it. This one will be a running fictional story written by each of us. The idea is that one of us starts the story and then abruptly ends it, leaving it to the next writer to pick up on it and forge ahead. I think once we get the hang of it this should be interesting. Very. We are going to rotate turns in order and continue until, well until whenever. I'll give you all the link once we get a few posts up and running.
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Lastly, I have something to share with all of you. This is a first. I'm making a public apology to the man I'm dating. Yesterday I wrote about not being 100% sure if I was ready for a commitment. Its not something I should have written before I spoke with him about. That's only fair right?

I honestly thought that he had an idea that I was on the fence, I mean he does read the website after all and I assumed it was an unsaid thing. But there I go, assuming again and we all know that when you assume anything you only make an ASS out of U and ME. (Ok that was so corny).

This was totally not his fault though. But then again we are always having fun, laughing, keeping it light and simple, who wants to talk about that kind of shit? Who wants to ruin the good mood by talking relationship bullshit - we're still in the stages of learning about one another. I don't want those conversations anymore or at least just yet - I had them almost everyday for two years, I don't need any repeats.

Last night he called me and told me that he read the post. He basically (I'm paraphrasing of course) said that we go at my speed and we'll move at my pace and if anything should happen that I'm not ready for, all I have to do say is the word bird. He's not exactly looking for a dedicated relationship either.

I hope I conveyed my honesty as best as possible when we spoke last night. When I'm caught off guard about something, I'm not exactly very good at responding. Two hours later I'll have a response, I'll have the best damn response anyone can have, but in the moment, I'm a fumbling idiot - kind of like George Bush.

Basically I told him the truth. When we started talking in July, I wasn't exactly ready to date, but when opportunity knocks, you have to open the door, especially when a great guy like him comes along. He's the real deal - as far as I know, he's not an asshole, bonus for him. But I would be lying if I were to say I'm ready for the full fledged comittment deal. He gets that. I also was honest that if he says or does something that I don't reciprocate, its not him, its me. Its a defense mechanism. I swear a few times I almost choked - like I couldn't breathe - its NOT HIM. Its me. I've heard of people acting like this, I've seen it in comedy's, but I never thought it would be something I would do. Seriously. I'm so sorry for that.

I'm protecting myself the only way I know how, it might now always be fair, but I'm trying.

In a way I'm very happy that we did talk about it, it wasn't something I was prepared for, but perhaps he's more perceptive than I thought? Maybe by writing what I wrote yesterday I was subconsciously requesting "the talk?" But at least now the door is ajar and the line of communication is open. Whew.

In a way I feel sorry for him because I am a challenge. I thought I was pretty well rounded, but maybe I'm just profoundly fucked up. He knows I've been through a lot, but am I hiding behind that or am I truly damaged goods? I guess only time will tell.

For now all I want is to go with the flow. He doesn't live close, so that's a plus. I don't want to jump into anything feet first and I don't think he wants to either. The old Mer would be knee deep already. So far she's testing the water with her big toe and so far the water is the right temp.