Yesterday still has be doubting feelings and thoughts. My heart says one thing, my head another, but my heart has no say right now. I'm ok, don't worry about me, I just don't feel like talking about it today. However, this was intended for yesterday's post had I been in work and not in court. Chew on this until tomorrow.
"FESSING UP AND LETTING GO" - SEPTEMBER 14, 2005
I've been cheating on you. Yes, I'm so very sorry. I love you all, but I've been cheating on you with another website.
Remember back when I said that I felt cornered like I had no anonymity? At the suggesion of someone else, I started another blog. This one is different to say the least. So why fess up now about it? Because said person found the site and I wanted it to be a secret and keep it a secret. I'm not conceding defeat, I'm just going to keep it on the run.
Don't worry your pretty little heads though. I still love you. I tell you guys my feelings - portions of my feelings and this other site is more of an experiment to break me out of my shyness. Shyness with men and talking about sex. A little raunchy, a little off, a bit scandalous, but anonymous - even more so now.
Don't feel neglected either. No one knows about it so its all good.
There are instances in life where things are just better off left alone. No need to discuss, analyze or hash it out. When I was with Ted I never knew how to leave well enough alone.
Hell growing up, my father's favorite thing to scream at me was, "MEREDITH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP!!!"
'YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD!!!"
Nothing has changed. People think they get the best of me, but of course they don't know the whole story - so I leave well enough alone. I've learned this as a result of my relationship with Ted.
I've been through enough fighting, bickering and contemplation with Glenn alone, to know its all not worth it. When a situation arises between two people, why hash it out? Both parties were privy to the same information, both witnessed the events. Someone was hurt, maybe even betrayed - who knows, perhaps it was a draw. In my case, I don't want to deal with it. Simple. It might be childish, it might be spineless, but I can't deal. I don't have time nor energy to handle it. My life has been a series of emotional obstacles. I've been living a life lately without drama, and I want to keep it that way.
Sometimes apologies are just words. Words are sometimes not enough. So round and round you go, trying to communicate and it doesn't ever get to that point. At this particular juncture in my life, I've learned to pick my battles and most times I walk away. My past has sucked the fight out of me. It has now become very hard to get the ginny blood boiling - but when it does - be prepared. The firey wrath of my temper to follow will leave a scar. That is why I choose not to allow it to surface. I say the harshest and most truthful of things. If you have nothing nice to say, dont' say it at all- but when I'm pissed, let the games begin. Last time I allowed my temper to flare, my fist went through a glass door window. Uh yeh. Surprised the shit out of him, I'll tell you that much. I've also put my fist through a wood door - granted the door was an inch thick - I still cracked that son of bitch and had my best friend shitting her pants. Good times.
I am a much calmer individual as a result of the last few years. Maturity? Maybe. Not sure. I used to have a lot of fight in me. I know I'm still stubborn, but I also know when to leave well enough alone.
In the past week or so, an incident left me on the defensive. I very well could have kicked and screamed and defended myself. But why? It wouldn't get me anywhere. I know what I did, I know what the other party did. I know where I was at fault, but I also know where I was right. Do I REALLY need to call someone out, just for gratification? I think not. I know who I am (at least I'm trying to figure it out anyway). Why muddy the water with more words.
To say the last 5 days has been a roller coaster is an understatement. Between severing ties with Kenny (long, long, LONG story) and Ted semi-reentering my life, I don't want to deal. And guess what? I'm pretty calm about it. Guess neither has had that great of an effect for me to wallow in misery.
I'm headed to South Beach this weekend and I'm glad to get away. I think I need it on the heels of what happened yesterday. I'm still trying to formulate words for how I feel, but once I know, you'll be the first to know. Ok, maybe second.