Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. Words to live by. Words that I have always lived by.

We all talk to our friends, we all snicker and gossip, some more than others. We discuss things we don't like, things we do like about other people in a good and bad way. That's human nature. That said, I thought I had learned my lesson a long time ago, but apparently not. See when I gossip about a friend or even foe, I feel weary and a little dirty - wrong more like it because its not in my nature. Its not like me to talk shit because you NEVER ever know who you are talking to. I've stuck my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion to have learned my lesson.

Or so I thought.

Friday night, hanging with Kenny, Schmitty and Trixie, I thought I'd use Kenny's high tech phone to check my hotmail account - that's right, the very same hotmail account that got me in trouble the first time around. Its my main communication with a few friends so I try to check it at least once a day. Now please remember, I was LOADED at the bar. I was checking the email and it wasn't appropriate content, AND the DJ was calling me up on stage so I exited out, handed it back and said something to the effect of "don't look at that, exit it." because it flipped to a white screen and I had to go. STUPID. MOVE.

We all know where this is going. Sure enough, the email was not completely closed and was in fact available for viewing the next day.

SIDE NOTE: Something I did not mention on this site about hanging out with Carmine - we had a little bit of a kiss that night. We got trashed (what is up with me and drinking lately) and I guess because he hasn't seen me in a long time, he didn't know that my body has gone through the changes it has gone through. So of course he was all over my shit once we started feeling tipsy (read fucked up). By the end of the night we did in fact share a good night kiss. I'll admit I was curious, but the next day on the phone we apologized to one another and decided that all was better off left alone.

I had been emailing my friend about it and we discussed it. No one needs to know what what else this email said, let's just say that I feel wretched, stupid and like a jerk. I said some not so flattering things too - and to tell you the truth, I can't remember exactly what I said but I got the gist when Kenny confronted me about it last night.

First line read from my friend: "Oh I forgot that you and Carmine had a make out session last week."

Uh. Yeh.

I was mean (indirectly) to a person who didn't deserve it and I did it in the worst possible manner. I don't feel bad for the fact that I wrote it persay, because we all talk to our friends, that's what they are there for, they are friends, we share, we contemplate, we figure stuff out. Some friends we get more descriptive with, some not - it depends on the nature of the relationship. The person I had been emailing is now a person I consider a confidant, so it was not abnormal to say the things I said. He knows who he is and he kicks major ass, especially when it comes to advice. Oh yeh, he's funny too. But anyway.

There are definitely two sides to this. Some would argue that I was most wrong because you don't talk shit about other people. Its wrong and that's why I feel bad. Some would also argue that the email never should have been read in the first place - at the bar by me, or by Kenny - its private and intended for only one person's eyes - but then again, I did use his device to read it opening myself up to the firing squad. Fuck me.

I don't think there is a clean cut answer or even a right or wrong here. I apologized and did my part. And I'm not in a committed relationship, however, it was still wrong to talk ill of someone else, especially when you are going to get caught. Double fuck me.

"Cover your tracks better," was his reaction. Not "fuck you" not "drop dead" not even, "Why would you do such a thing?" - this has me wondering though. A few reactions on my part:

Well is he that interested in me?
Is he perhaps seeing someone else?
Maybe he's just that secure with himself?
or even,
SHIT, why read my email?

I'm a little bit of it all. Not sure. But to be so nonchalant is a little unsettling - I'm Italian - If someone isn't yelling, then something is wrong.

So far, its all water under the bridge and things are proceeding as normal. Or at least as normal as normal can get under the circumstances. It hasn't seemed to phase him, however, I'm still a freaked because, well because I fucked up and I obsess about my fuck ups. That's one trait I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of. I know, I know, some of you are thinking - serves me right. To you, I say fuck you. I'm new to this whole dating thing and it does have a tendency to wig me out. I'm insecure and question every action so its natural for me to discuss things with my friends. I've learned to go with the flow and I'm doing a pretty good job so far. Still. Something like this sets me back about 10 paces.

I need to let this blow over so I can be comfortable again. I know, I'm retarded, but I'm also getting easily freaked and I'm always in control. Always.

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