My writing/journal came up in conversation last night and I had to explain that due to the upset of another individual, I basically took down a lot of what I have written in the last few months. Good substantive editorial type of blog posts that I myself were proud to have authored and thought on a basic level were pretty damn good. Not only that, but the few who do read this site thought these scripts were quite fandamntastic as well.
This was a few weeks ago and it still aggravates me that I went back on my own convictions and allowed myself to be ruled by the misperception of another individual. I despise that I compromised my belief on writing out thoughts, feelings, actions and quandaries all for the sake of said person, who in the end really didn't take into consideration the multitude of what I did to alleviate their concerns. The more I think about it, the angrier I feel for succumbing to it.
The thing is, I'm not a malicious person by any means, anyone who has spent five minutes in my presence can attest to that. I also have a hard time lying because in the past it's never worked for me. I live my life by way of right and wrong and what little I know of karma. So for anyone to question my actions, my loyalty as a friend or human decency is quite the slap in the face - especially when what I have spoken about has nothing to do with said person. But being the good-natured gal that I am and also possessing compassion, I took down any and all writings that came close to the topic(s) that were discussed.
I've been thinking about what I did and why I did it and I'm extremely irritated with myself more than I am with this ex-friend. I'm upset because I compromised myself, and for lack of a better description, my art, to appease obviously the wrong person and with each occasion that I think about this, the more I feel wrong for not standing strong to my passion and fervor for the written word DESPITE the topic at hand. I don't need to get into amendment rights and all that hoopla, but now I understand more than ever why journalists, authors, television and radio persona demand their freedom of speech. I think everyone should have their say and if I want to write about shit on a shingle I should be afforded that opportunity without persuasion from any entity.
I understand that some things written and said in this world of media may become offensive, and I comprehend that words can hurt - but that is not the intention of my voice, I'm simply not that calculating an individual to hide and misrepresent anything that befalls this keyboard. My character was questioned and my friendship challenged, and in the end, despite anything, I was the one who was compromised, not them. Any friend who tells me not to write about them, is apparantly not a friend of mine. Moreso and in addition, anything I write is offhand and done by curiosty and notion, not by malevolent enthusiasm. Those closest to my heart know this fact without it being a spoken word.
It will be a conscious decision that I must remind and reprimand myself on a constant basis that there is no more negotiation of my writing. It's not up for discussion and edit at will. My thoughts, feelings and adventures (if you will), are mine and mine alone. Read this as a disclaimer, warning or caveat, I could give a rat's ass, but everyone know this......ask questions, I'll tell no lies, but from this moment on, take it, leave it, go fuck it......that's your decision and your God given right, but don't rain on my parade due to your own insecurities and inner torment that you bestow negatively upon yourself. There is no conspiracy theory here, you are not a target....puhhlease you are not that important.
Thank you and good night......Elvis has left the building.