Thursday, July 27, 2006


My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer today......actually about a half hour ago and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm not devastated, I'm not crying my eyes out, I guess at some point I knew that my parents would eventually not be infallible to the diseases that plague people later in life. In a way I was waiting........biding my time if you will, enjoying them while I can.

Am I being too blasé? No, bare with me. I worked in the cancer field for 7+ years. I've seen it all and I've heard it all. I've seen both sides of the spectrum from the patient's view, the family's view and the doctor's view, which is by no means a stretch of the imagination because I worked in stem cell transplant, breast cancer, research and radiation, I know a thing or two. I guess in a way you start to think that eventually its going to hit close to home, its our turn.

The prognosis is excellent though because they caught it early and clearly by accident. Its a slow growing tumor and extremely small and had they not done the biopsy last week, they never would have accidentally found this cancerous nodule. Actually the doctor said that if he had not found it now, it probably wouldn't have shown up for another 8+ years. This is all very good news but still not the news you want to be hearing at any point in time. Next step lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy followed by radiation. Thank god I know people in the field to make this a bit easier.

Immediately following the completion of the above paragraphs I had a meeting - a very dull, boring and stupid meeting. My knees were knocking with anxiety, I kept toying with my necklace while looking at that clock. My tolerance for stupidy and those who are most selfish and wrapped up in their insignificant problems made my blood boil with wild fury because they aren't getting it. They DON"T GET IT!!!! While sitting in the meeting all I could think about was getting up and yelling to the point of everyone's ears bleeding so that they could understand the frustration and anger - "MY MOTHER HAS CANCER!!! FUCK YOU and FUCK THIS MEETING!!!"

I'd be stupid to feel selfish during this time because I know I'm not alone and that millions have had to endure and experience this -hell 1 in 5 people wind up being diagnosed with cancer and not only that, but I know that chances are, a majority of the readers right now have been touched someway in their lives by cancer. I just need to get it out. Scream it, punch it and hurt it. Grab it by its fucking throat and squeeze tightly and once I get it out I can face the task of putting a finger on each hand up, staring it in the face and yelling with abysmally great force, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MOM!!!!

We'll all be fine, we're survivors, but if I wasn't already tired from all the bullshit that's on my plate, I can't imagine what the coming months will be like. I'll be ok, I know this, I have no other choice because in actuality it's not about me it's about her and being there for her in any capacity needed, wanted or wished.

I'm not looking for empathy, I just had to get it off my chest and put it out there, into the universe, the pain, the hurt, the fright, the potential introversion that will inevitably follow due to my inability to want to let people in when I'm down. Admitting a weakness is huge for I ask that if I see you in person, please don't make a big deal about it because I will seriously become uncomfortable. I'm not used to talking about myself on such a personal level, its not easily done. But I wanted to share this, I had to share this because its part of me and what is meandering through my skull at this moment in time.

Sigh.....deep breath.....exhale...aaahhhhh.....that feels much better now. I've purged the anxiety a bit. Thank you.

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