Monday, June 20, 2005

Write or Wrong

Family members are now reading my blog. I have one of two choices. I can either (A) water down what I write and what happens to me because I really hate it when people judge me or I can (B) Put up the middle finger on each hand and say FUCK IT because this is therapeutic and I rock.

Hhhhmmm, wonder which one The Cat will choose?

If anything I think this blog would give them insight to the fact that I'm not an idiot and I know and recognize my mistakes for what they are - mistakes. I spoke about being cornered by my family about dating and what not - have these people ever met me? I mean, first off, when have I EVER listened to anyone? Second, its not like I've ever given them reason to worry. I've never gotten in real trouble - the worst that has happened to me is getting pulled over for doing 50 in a 25 and even then I didn't get a ticket. I don't do drugs - well maybe a little herb here and there, but I don't drink to the point of annihilation and I don't sleep with just anyone, so what the fuck? They also forget the fact that I'm incredibly resilient. My therapist even said so. She can't believe how well I bounce back from adversity. My belief is that dwelling on the bad stuff doesn't get you anywhere. You have to pick up and move on because how else will your situation ever get better. No one is going to swoop down and make it all better. No one. Ok, but enough about that.

Last night I didn't sleep well again. I don't know what is wrong with me that I allow my mind to go about 1,000 mph. Its killing me. Funny thing is, I don't think about Ted. I mean, yeh he pops into my head at odd times and I realize more and more everyday what a fucking loser he was. People are coming up to me now and saying things like,

"Mer, I don't know what you ever saw in him. Really, he was an idiot. He was good looking, but dumb as a stump."

How do you respond to that? Seriously? It wasn't something that lasted only a couple of days. We were together for like a year and a half. I say "yes he was an idiot," but what does that say about me if I was able to overlook all his assholish behavior and stay with him for so long? From now on I'm telling people he slipped rufers into my drink or something. I'm ashamed of the fact that I was with him for so long. I'm ashamed of that because I'm so much smarter and more well rounded than him.

I'll have to date outside this company because too many people know that I was with him. Its embarrassing to say the least. My only saving grace is that I am VERY well liked around here. I'm well respected, purty and I have a nice ass. Unfortunately this place is lacking in men. So if anyone has any suggestions on where to meet a nice guy who makes about 70% of my list, then please be nice and tell me.

One more thing before I do some work. My friend H's asked me if I'd be interested in moving into an apartment with him. This is the deal - its a rent controlled, two bedroom apartment in Hoboken. Besides the fact that Hoboken is a great place to live, its only $900/month. Talk about stepping in Shit. H works the same shift as I do so we could car pool and I could get a part time job bar tending. I'd make my rent in one week. When I'm ready to move on from this company, I can look for a job in the city and increase my salary by a minimum of $10,000 a year. Plus I'd be living with a guy so there wouldn't be any issues that most girls have with other girls. I know I've smooched H, but that would stop and I wouldn't allow it to ever go there. At least I'd put in that really good effort. Just kidding. I'm not getting my hopes up and I haven't told him yes yet. I told him to keep me in mind if he couldn't find anyone else. Then I'll make my decision. Its still like 2 months away from happening. I don't have any bad vibes which is good. I'll keep you all updated as time marches on.

Just one more thing. I'm lonely. But I can't let my loneliness distract me from the fact that I deserve only the best. I'll keep saying this, every day if I have to, just to remember that I'm kick ass and deserve someone just as awesome - if that's possible.


Anne Arkham said...

Too funny about the phone number!

Matt said...

When I broke up with a long time girlfriend (3+ years) I used to get the same thing. But I felt vindicated a bit that I wasn't the only one that thought she was a dud/bitch/etc.

Plus when I did think about her I was always thinking of situations and how I was too stupid to realize how bad it was. But looking back on it that helped me realize I made the right decision by breaking up with her!

Meredith said...

Thanks Matt. That helps.