Get your fucking dirty minds out of the gutter. I'm talking about lying. I lied to my mother about where I was going, Uh Trixie, I was with you. I also told Joey Bitch that I was staying in tonight. Is it because I was ashamed of where I was going? Hell No. It has nothing to do with that, I just really hate explaining myself. I don't want to have that discussion about what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with. I just want to be. But I lied all the same and I hate to lie, it's not something I'm good at and its not a philosophy I live by.
I also just want to do my own thing. I'm not good at the whole, just go with the flow - "being" thing. Its something I need to learn. I need to calm down, I can't always know what is happening at all times. This was my first attempt. Sorry but its part of my insecurity and I think I failed already.
But it gets better. I saw Marcus tonight. Here's the thing, most men think they know passion. They don't. It's not about throwing me down on the bed and ripping my clothes off to satiate a powerful need - (that's cool only sometimes). It's not what a guy does, but how he does it. I love the way Marcus kisses me. I love how badly he can want me, but and of course you knew a but was coming - he held back. Now I make no excuses, I know I held back too A LOT. It's just what he said that has me reeling.
Saturday night Marcus and I got pretty hot and heavy. Tonight, sober, it could have happened very easily again too - but we both held back and I don't know why. I know why for myself, its because I just got out of relationship and I'm not about to get right back into one. I wasn't sure of Marcus's intentions and where this was all going. Saturday night he's telling me how beautiful I am and how amazing I am. He kept asking me to marry him, ok yes, alcohol was involved and I didn't take any of it serious, but he's a pretty genuine guy so I took it as compliments. I liked hearing all of it, it was hot as hell.
Last night with no alcohol involved we were still verocious in our need - it was all passion and it was wonderful. If he hadn't put the brakes on, I don't think I could have stopped. I tried really hard to keep my hands above his waist because I knew that if I went that direction, there was no turning back, at least not for me. He respected that (did I tell you he was a good guy). But that's just it, why the brakes? I have a vibe where I feel something went wrong.
I like Marcus, I like him a lot. I was inebriated by his passion. He's sweet, considerate and real. I haven't just "made out" with a guy in a very long time. It ignited a fire that I forgot about. Marcus made me feel sexy despite the fact that so much bad was directed at me by a dick like Ted. Here's the kicker though - he told me that he doesn't do things with girls unless he's going out with them. So I told him the truth, I'm not really sure what I'm capable of.
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what this all means - again I'm insecure and its probably a result of everything that happened with Ted. I know I'm capable of dating and hanging out. I'm capable of a sexual nature with him, but I don't think I can do committment. Its sounds like a booty call, but I like Marcus too much to do the booty call thing. He's got a brain and booty calls are for guys with no brains. I just want to find out what this is. I don't like labels, but I don't like to be left hanging either. I'm a little confused by all of this. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to do the exclusive thing either.
Oh and another plus for him, he's private like me. - Ok so you guys get to read my website which is a little contradictory, but I change names as best as I can and I try not to be too descriptive. I don't like people knowing my business, there are only 3 people that I know I can trust with my secrets and that's it and each of them only know certain parts. If the three of them got together, then you could piece together what kind of a nutcase I am, but that will never happen.
I think I'm going to sit tight and continue to have fun. If he calls me to hang out and do something, coolness. I really did mean it when I said that I wanted to go to the museum with him, I don't think there is another person alive that I would want to do that with. I'd like to do that as a date - to see what kind of compatibility we have besides horny passion. But we'll see. If he doesn't call, then I'm glad that I didn't allow it to go there.
I think too much. I hate it. Its the only quality about myself that I truly hate the most. It keeps me from truly enjoying life. It drives me absolutely freaking nuts. Where's my rubber band? Trixie, I'm going back to the rubber band.