Wednesday, June 22, 2005

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

Everyday it does get easier. I'm living proof.

Each day is easier because I'm not in such a fucked up relationship - no one is dependent on me and I like that. I like that the drama I have in my life is fun drama. I'm not hurting anyone right now and I'm certainly not giving anyone a chance to hurt me.

I'm afraid though. I'm extremely afraid of being hurt. I'm not afraid of putting myself out there again, but I am afraid of falling for someone who won't appreciate me for the good qualities I possess. I'm also afraid of not letting someone in. I don't want to open up to anyone and it not work out again. Ted was an asshole, we all know this, people who are his friends know this, so I really can't get too down on myself right? Only time will tell what the future holds. But so far so good. I guess you can say its a roll of the dice.

Sometimes I go back and re-read things I've written on this website. It's hard and if some of the posts make me sad, but then I skip it and move onto another one. I'm not sure if its healthy or not to re-read some of this stuff, but I can tell you that it grounds me. It brings me back home and reminds me how far I've come since the beginning. It's proof that I am just as strong as I thought I was.

Fuck you Ted for trying to make me feel weak. Fuck you for loving every second you hurt me. If I were to ever see him again, I think I might spit on him. For now though I'll keep it to men's restrooms.

My old posts sounded so sad and lost. I was really hurting so bad, how I ever lived like that I will never ever know. I must have the patience of a saint. I'm proud of myself. Very proud.

Today I feel unstoppable, very viviacious and totally in control. I'm not used to it, but it feels good and it feels like I should always be like this. Nice.

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