Friday, June 17, 2005

You Can Never Go Back

Matt something you said in your post hit home the other day and I was just reminded of it before. I was feeling nostalgic so I had to write this. I agree with you and I think I need to say this in my own way.

You can never go back.

I try to not think about the bad things that have happened in my life. I try not to think about the time when I was life guarding and a little girl almost drowned on my watch. I try not to think about the mistakes I've made with men in my life and I try not to regret any of it. I do however like to think about the good times with friends and I don't hesitate to recount them over a drink or 10. If its about an ex, well that story isn't funny no matter what happened. I just simply ignore it. I try to live my life by right and wrong - never gray area, I hate gray area - its fuzzy static and its indecisive. Living by right and wrong, well its less complicated that way, but I refuse to let the bad stuff get me down, because then they win. Who's they? Anyone who has ever shown me an ounce of pain.

As adults we can sit and reminisce about the good ole' days and smile inwardly when we remember them at the oddest of times. It can be a smell of cologne or perfume, it can be a picture or a location. Either way its funny how we are instantly brought back to a place in time that was either very good or very bad.

Sometimes we get ourselves in trouble for trying to go back. Trying to reminisce with an old pal thinking things will still be funny and times haven't changed. You might have been able to kid around about something but now its all different. They won't think its that funny anymore and then there you are with your thumb up your ass doing the Deer in the headlights thing. But sometimes we are lucky enough to recapture that nostalgia for a fleeting moment. In all likely hood though it won't happen.

Ted and I were happy for a little while - I mean truly and completely happy. Life could not have been better. I just thought I stepped in the biggest pile of shit. But it changed. For months I held on thinking we could recapture that feeling - and for a day or two we would and stupid me thought that was good enough. I held onto that despite drunken debacles created by him. I just wanted to be that happy again, even if it was for a second. At some point in time I realized it just never would be that way again. NEVER. No matter how much effort I put in or how much we talked, he wasn't capable - and we obviously were not meant to be.

If we are to try to go back, we have to remember to do it with the future ahead and not blind folded with the past. The past can crowd our judgment like a fog and entice us to do things we wish we had. With the future in front of us, we can make decisions that are best for us and they won't hurt us or anyone else.

So I say this to my friends and to myself, you can't go back. You can't change feelings and you can't change people. When you make a decision and act upon it, you can't take it back. Its the domino affect - one thing leads to another.

Trying to go back is reopening a wound. You reopen those fears and insecurities. If you like to play with fire like me, well then you have to be prepared for the consequences because its usually harder the second time you fall.

Like I told Trixie, "When you play with fire, in the end all you are left with is ashes."

1 comment:

Matt said...

Just call me the muse ;-)