Tuesday, June 07, 2005

If I Knew Then What I Know Now.....

Mornings tend to be the hardest. Is it a lack of sleep, is it because I'm cranky? Am I at my most vulnerable in the morning - my most innocent? Is it because I haven't awoken to the realities of life because I'm still in dream land? I don't know.

At first I was going to rant on about how much I miss him. But do I? Do I miss HIM per say or the thought of him? There are aspects of him that I miss, but he was a child and a constant drain on me. I need to remind myself of this constantly so I don't end up with another nutcase just because I don't want to be alone. I think it will take a long time to get used to being alone. I've NEVER been alone.

I was 15 when I met George. Ahhhhh George, my first love. George was Greek, he was studying to be an architect and he was so incredibly funny. We never fought once, not in 10 months. He loved me with every single part of his human existence and I ruined that. I got restless, I met new friends and I wanted out. At some point in our lives we all say "If I knew then what I know now" - well if that was the case I never should have let him go. He was a keeper. But such is life and so are our mistakes.

I met Glenn, my ex-husband a couple of months later. I was 16 and I thought he was everything I thought I wanted and more. I made mistakes with Glenn that I probably shouldn't have made but I was in love. I didn't go straight to college. Instead I went to Medical Assisting/Ultrasound school and the work force thereafter. I decided that I hated the general public and left Medical Assisting and started doing temp work. As a result I went back to school at night and was hired by one of the company's I temped for. I still work for them.

Glenn and I were married for a whopping 2 years before I called it quits. It just wasn't right because I was always trying to please him and that made me miserable. I rebelled and broke free - just to find myself in the arms of Ted. Ted was the ultimate rebellion. He was everything I NEVER in a million years would have thought of dating and that was enticing. He was younger, he was a smoker and he was bold and daring. I tried to tame a wild beast and look what happened.

Now that I look back we never should have dated. He was supposed to be a one night stand - something that the ultimate rebellious one would do. But it didn't work out like that. We did fall in love. We did know that our friendship was different than anything else either one of us ever experienced. Despite everything that ever happened or will happen, neither of us will deny that. Awful lovers yes, great friends yes. I'm just sorry that I didn't end it the first time I knew it wouldn't work out. I'm sorry I tried to make it work. I'm sorry I pushed. I'm sorry that he has so many issues that he cannot overcome. I'm sorry he abuses alcohol. I'm sorry he doesn't realize how special he could be. I'm sorry about being sorry. I have so much pain in me, so much regret.

Faith Evans released a song that goes, "If I had to do it all again, I wouldn't take away the rain because I know it made me who I am...."
I feel the same way. I feel that I have learned and I will learn so much from this experience. I can only grow from this. This experience has given me the ammunition to know thy self. That can only help me find "him." The man I should be with. I don't believe it is destiny to meet any one person in life. I think some people are so open to others that they can interpret another as being their soul mate. I am open to it, therefore I know it will happen. It will come when I am least expecting it.

If I end up alone, so be it. I want to be strong enough to know that I do not need a man to complete me because I am the only one with the power to make myself complete. Will I be lonely? Yes. Will there be times that I wish I had arms around me? Hell yes, I'm a hugger, a kisser - I'm ITALIAN for crying out loud, its in my blood. We pinch, we smooch, we don't hesitate to show affection. I have my dogs, I have my parents, I have my nephew. I will concentrate on them. They will receive my love by the ton and they'll never push it away.

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