Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Actions and Consequences

Once upon a time I was a freshman in high school. I had just moved to the area and didn't know a damn person when I walked through the doors of my new school. I knew I was outgoing and I knew that I was given a golden opportunity - I was the new girl. Fortunate enough for me this was a regional school making it easier to blend in. Unfortunate for me, I forgot that senior boys were birds of prey.

In my old school I was Mer the tomboy, or just plain old Mer. In my new school, I was the hot new girl. I had just come out of a summer long job as a lifeguard, I was thin, muscular and tan - yeh my shit didn't stink. On my first day of school I was asked to the senior prom - boy those were the days my friend. Each senior guy gave me the nod at least once, but I was too naive and too new to do anything with it.

I was automatically flung into popularity. The thing is, that's not me. I don't like choosing sides and being with any 'one' group of people - I was the floater, the rebel. I would float in and out of each group of teens, one minute I'd be with the cheeleaders, the next I'd be hanging out with the stoners. That was me, I don't discriminate.

Steven was another freshmen in about 3 of my classes. He was cute enough and he wound up asking me out. Not knowing any better I said yes. Problem was, he didn't do anything for me....emotionally. I never got excited in his presence, I never cared if he called, he was just.....there. After about 2 weeks I had enough and I dumped him. Poor kid was devestated, I don't know why? We never even held hands!!! No laughing please. Up until that point I had only kissed two boys, so come on now.

Come spring time I had found my niche in the click scene - I was in my own click. Crushes still happened, boys still called, but most were afraid of me because I didn't need anyone. I didn't run around with my legs open like half the class. But for some reason, the bad boys were ALWAYS attracted to me. Not sure why though. Merni was in and out of my life this whole time. How could I forget to mention Merni? He was such a player and it got old - I'm not going to write about him here because he already had his own post.

I can't recall when it was, but Steven's brother started to sniff around. Robert was a senior too and I think he was even friendly with Merni, but I can't remember. I think the whole mistique of it began when we all used to go street racing down at Bunker Hill. 50 cars would be lined up and ready to watch the next two cars drag race down the street. It was badass, it was exciting and it was of course dangerous and illegal. At some point in time I started to fool around with Robert. A little here and a little there. No he is not the guy I lost my virginity to. He is the guy that I learned that men are cheating, lying bastards. He had a girlfriend in the next town over. Funny thing is, she was ugly so I never worried.

When I found out he had a girlfriend though, I stopped all communication. He wasn't even that cute. I think about him now and I'm like "Ew Gross!"

It was pretty fucked up of me to do what I did to two brothers. Steven really liked me and well at some point I think Robert did too, its just that he wanted to be badass and have two girls. Steven over time did get over it and he was able to look at me again. He actually handled it a lot better than I thought. Then again, I really didn't think about what I did to him. I'm sorry for that - 14 years later, I'm finally sorry for it.

I might still be naive, but my gut has always told me better. This is the reason why I was so upset about Ted. I allowed my defences to be taken down and I ignored my gut more than once and it got me in a load of trouble.

Two weeks ago I played with fire again. It involves Marcus and Remy - but they are not brothers, thank god. I've let both fall off because I was reminded of what I did to Steven and Robert. Its not fair and its also slutty to be doing what I almost did. I'm learning new lessons by leaps and bounds and maybe, just maybe, I'll finally have my head on straight for the next relationship I'm in. I won't be a silly girl doing what she wants, neglecting to notice my actions actually do have consequences.


NCTRNL said...

Women who know they are attractive scare the shit out of me sometimes. Just playing with men's emotions. It's kinda like a game isn't it...

Meredith said...

I hate games. Ask me a question, I'll give you the honest truth.