Thursday, June 30, 2005

Commitment Issues Anyone?

Why is it that I get the most comments on this blog when its sad and depressing? Do people like to see me suffer or something? Or is that people like to know that they are not alone? Hhhmmm, how shall I attack this issue? With something sad and pathetic of course. Have to give the readers what they want right?

Wanna know something sad? I'm commitment phobic. I have only been dumped once in my life and that was by Phil Devine in the 8th grade because I didn't want to make out with him in front of Jeff Henderson. I ruin every relationship I'm in by some form of manic stupidity. By hook or by crook, I'll finish it off just fine all by myself.

Maybe I'm getting a little hard on myself here, but seriously, I can point out something wrong with every relationship - and even the two good ones that I did have - I found something wrong and crushed the guy into smithereens. Both men loved me more than they have ever loved anything else, but I got antsy and I needed more. On three occassions I've had a man tell me that, "I love you more than my own family." Fucked up right? Not only did I not say the same thing but HOLY COW!! I would NEVER put a man in front of my family.

Actually each adult relationship I have had the men were head over heels in love with me - well who wouldn't be, come on now. Seriously though, Ted is the only relationship I don't feel bad that ended. And that's because he was an alcoholic and he lied to me about drugs. If it wasn't for those things, we'd still be together. Yes, I know they were BIG things, but still I will probably always wonder, "what if."

Until the day we stopped talking he was still professing his love for me - despite his new girlfriend status. He would tell me constantly how much he loved me and still wanted to be best friends. NOT HAPPENING FUCKING PSYCHO! I haven't told anyone that, but its true.

I think the reason why Ted went so ballistic on me, thus causing the restraining order, is because I told him to "Forget all about me. If someone asks how I am, tell them I died. Tell them I don't exist. Our relationship never happened, you and me never were." - Yeh I guess that would be enough to make someone go insane - I'm more important than his family remember?

Why do I think I'm commitment phobic? I can't really put my finger on it. I'm 95% sure that I don't want to ever get married again. I'm on the fence about kids too.

My Ex-Husband Glenn was a good guy - yeh I did everything, but I'm sure if we had gone to marriage counseling we probably could have worked it out - but I don't believe in that. I'm a romantic, I believe in true love forever. The man I spend the rest of my life with will be perfect - for me. Am I setting myself up for disappoint, perhaps, but this is the only true way I'll be happy. I want someone who completes me, who knows my every move and nuance. He won't fall for my pouting or tantrums, but he'll also know when to give into them. I'm complex - I'm the Billy Joel song - "She's Always a Woman To Me." - Ever listen to the words? This woman is one fucked up broad who loves to wrap men around her finger - she changes her mind with the changing of the wind. Yep, yep and yep. - I'm smart and quirky, I'm also very flippant. That's me and its going to be VERY hard to find someone who finds that endearing and will want to love me for all my imperfections.

When I started this website, it was because I had something to say, I wanted to tell the world my pain because I needed to hear that I wasn't alone. I'm still in pain - last night I had an ALMOST breakdown and I'm sure it won't be the last time it almost happens. But I caught myself, I tried to think really hard about what made me happy about Ted, why was it that I was with such a jerk for so long? I'll tell you why; because when he held me, it felt right. When he kissed me, it was perfect. He would hold my hand and it fit - even the way he would pull me close to him in the middle of the night - it all felt perfect. That doesn't happen every day. There was never an awkward moment between us - not once. We just fit like a jigsaw puzzle. Sad but true. We also could talk to each other about the really hard and difficult stuff. I miss that. I miss opening up and divulging dark deep secrets about myself.

I'm droning on about him aren't I? I'll stop because its not healthy.

I've kissed a couple of boys in recent weeks, went a little further with one than I had wanted to, but that was because I was curious and I thought it would help. The other night before sleep fell upon me, I thought about another guy kissing me and I realized I didn't want it. Of couse this may all change once I get drunk, but still, the conscience Mer doesn't think she wants anyone near her. I miss companionship and love. Deep rooted love.

I'm all over the place with this post today. That's how I feel today. I have so much to say, but I'll save it for another post. I'll end it with this:

Trixe and I thought about taking a photography class. I think I'm going to do it either with her or without. I need another outlet. School starts in September and I'll get a second job too. Keeping myself busy is the only way I think I'll find Mer. She's out there waiting to be saved - not by a stranger, but by me. Don't worry Mer, my compass is headed in the right direction. It might take me awhile, but I'll get there soon enough. Promise.

1 comment:

NCTRNL said...

Women like you scare the hell out of me. Why am I so attracted to that? It's like girls always wanting to be with jerks...they think they can fix them...and I am just stupid enough to think I could fix you. How self-destructive is that?