Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Trying to Understand

My mind is reeling and I don't know where to start and what to say. There is so much information and there is so much that happened that I don't know how to chew and digest it all.

So much happened in a small amount of time. I realized that Ted really is worthless and selfish. Every day I recreate another bad episode in my head. The only problem is despite all the bad stuff, I think about him. It hurts so much and I don't know how to make the pain stop. Is it because I feel like I failed? Is it because he's fucking another girl now? Is it because I feel like he has moved on and I'm still sitting here picking my nose? All I know is that it hurts so much. I find myself able to cry at the drop of a hat. I can't help myself. I have good moments and bad. More bad than good though.

I yell at myself out loud to stop thinking about him. I remind myself that he was awful to me. That he is an alcoholic and he'll never change. Yet I can't help feeling like I lost a big part of me. Why? I just want to understand it all and then I'll be ok. But I know that I'll never understand it. I'll never know why and how. He decided that he was going to be awful to me, that to treat me worse than he already did was going to make it easier. For him.

Sunday he told me that he still loved me. What I don't understand is that if you love someone, how can you be so mean to them? How can you say the things you said and still say you love me? I guess that's what I'm having so much trouble with. Yet all this love for me doesn't stop him from fucking another girl.

I'm worth so much more than this. I'm so above this. Yet it hurts just the same.

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