Thursday, June 02, 2005

Restraining Order

My life has changed dramatically. I am generally a quiet person, I love my family, I'm good to my friends and anyone I remotely care about. The problem is, when you are a good person, people find it easy to make you their target. My exboyfriend is doing that now. I used to have no spine and I would let him get to me with his comments. I'm here to say that that will no longer happen anymore. This morning he called me and began verbally abusing me. He took it a step further and threatened my life whether it be by his own hand or someone else's. Do you want to know what got him so upset? I handed in his parking pass to his supervisor. I gave it to his supervisor because I did not want to see him and I wanted to make sure he got it back. For whatever reason that was a big NO NO in his book. He is a 15 year old boy, this is the behavior I would expect in high school. This ENTIRE time I have taken the high road, never resorting to name calling, verbal abuse and whatnot.

I have a confession to make though. The reason why I am so scared is because he has physically hurt me twice. The first time he threw one of those large jar candles (you know the big Yankee candle ones) at me and it hit my knee. I had to have x-rays as a result, thank God nothing was broken. At first I thought it was all a mistake and I was just in the way - the things we tell ourselves for love. The second time was in Bermuda. We were fighting about what else, his drinking - actually I wasn't yelling, I was trying to talk sense when he threw a perfume bottle at me causing me to drop to the floor holding my arm. We were in the middle of the ocean and by time we docked he had smoothed things over. I was a blind fool. I take complete responsibility for anything that happened after that because I was not strong enough to leave.

How could I stay with such a monster for so long? Because he knows how to prey on the weak. He knows how to manipulate people into believing he is a poor soul that the world needs to help. Everyone gives this guy second, third and upteenth chances because, well they genuinely like him. He is a genuinely good guy, just very misguided and he has more baggage than Newark airport.

Yesterday for whatever reason things just came together for me. I'm over him and ready to move on. I did. However he still finds it necessary to hurt me. To call me and threaten my life - why? Probably because he is hurt and that is the only way to cope. Did I mention he has no coping skills?

After his last verbal asault, I called security here where I work and filed a complaint. My next step is to file a restraining order. Even though I don't think he will harm me, that it was all just garbage flying out of his mouth, I will not take that chance. I can not. I only have me to think about and if he lands himself in jail as a result of his inability to move on, that's nobody's fault but his own. Each time he called, each time he emailed me, I told him to leave me alone and move on. His response? I'm fat and he never loved me. Oh and I'm never going to see the money he owes me. My response? Ok. Please leave me alone. Stop. We never dated, we never existed, move on.

I'm afraid that something that didn't have to happen will happen. It will be only his fault. I'm proud I took this stand and I pray that this restraining order will give him the idea to finally leave me alone. I'm dead to him. Go away.

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