I'm extremely apprehensive right this second. My stomach hurts and my heart is beating a thousand times a second. It's going to leap out of my chest.
My company offers counseling to individuals going through a rough time. Its free of service and its not something I would EVER do. But last week was a doozy for me. Cheryl told me she went to them when she was going through her separation and she suggested I go too. Actually she told me more than once. So I bit the bullet and made the appointment. Its in a half hour. I'll tell you how it goes.
Now I know these people are here to help and I know I will have no problem talking about my problem, but the thought of recounting these events is getting me all worked up. That's how traumatizing this has been for me. I mean I'm about to puke. I NEVER PUKE. I NEVER let anything bother me this much. So why now? I mean I haven't spoken to Ted in a week. He can't come near me, he can't hurt me, yet I get shakey when I think about it. I'm shaking right this second. That's not me.
I guess I'll just have to deal with this until Monday when I face him in court and know that this is finally over. Or will it be? I mean I'm afraid the judge will just view me as some scared pathetic girl who really shouldn't go as far as placing a restraining order. I'm worried he'll throw it out of court and give Ted free reign to bother me. I doubt he would, but who's to say he wouldn't?
Ok this heart beating fast shit has to stop right now. Its driving me crazy. Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom its going. Deep breaths, hold to 10. I hope this session works out. I hope this woman can help me put things into perspective. I hope she can be my fairy godmother, alright that's going a bit far I know. But still, I need a savior because as much as I talk to myself right now, my brain is in a tizzy. I can focus for a little while and then WHAM, I falter a setback.
Last night I was on my computer trying to figure out how to post more pictures of me. Unfortunately I came upon some pictures of Ted and I. I just started to cry. We were so happy in these pictures. It was all false. It was a facade and I knew even with every picture we snapped that we wouldn't be forever. Then why does it hurt so much? Why am I so upset over the loss? He's a FUCKING LOSER! Is it because I had to end it on a bad note and now he hates me? Is it because he is with another girl and he's not pining for me? Is it because I haven't found someone else to replace him?
A friend of mine told me that I love to tempt fate. That the innocent Mer really loves to push the envelope. B is right.
When I was little, I was guaranteed to hear two things from my father on a daily basis;
"Jesus Christ Meredith! You don't know when to stop!
"Nope, I don't."
"You always have to have the last word!"
"Yep I do."