Monday, October 24, 2005

Baby Steps

For the most part, this weekend was exceptionally uneventful, which is fine by me. I have no money and I'm starting to get a little bored of the same thing every weekend so this weekend was a nice change.

The only thing worth mentioning is something that makes me proud of myself. Not a big thing by anyone's everyday standards, but its pretty big stuff to me and if you've been a reader from day one, you'll understand this small, yet big step I took of independence.

I walked out on a man.

Saturday afternoon I'm chilling with this guy. We're at his apartment and its boring. I mean snooze fest. I like football, I like sports, but there is no way in hell I can sit there and watch college football nonstop. No way. I can watch it for a few hours, but it CANNOT be the only thing to do. I watch football all day Sunday, no way I can watch college all day Saturday. Not happening.

We are sitting there for I don't know how long and we keep talking about doing something. Both of us throwing out suggestions, but neither of us agreeing on a place. We can go to this bar beacuse the food is better - or go to that bar because the atmosphere is nice.....doesn't matter, all we know is that we have to get out because we're getting cabin fever. He's got money, I've got time - hanging out was HIS idea, yet all we do is sit. Talk and sit. Sit and talk. Blah blah blah...couch potato.

Finally, I stand up and I start getting my shit together and he's just sitting there watching me. I turn to him and I say:

"Listen bro, I'm out. No offense to you, but you're killing me. Its cool, don't worry, I'm not pissed, its just that we said we were going to hang and go somewhere, yet all we do is sit here. You were in a mood when I came in and nothing has changed. Its cool....really." I walk to the door, open it and say, "I'll talk to you later. Bye."

And I'm out.

Its pouring out and I'm drenched by time I get to my car. I turn the car on....all the while thinking of all the people I'm going to call - because here's the thing about me....I can sit and do nothing, seriously, but once you put it in my mind and I get all set to go out....come hell or high water, I'm going out. Off goes the list in my head Trixie, Lauren, Carmine, B...etc. etc. - when there is a knock on my window.

I roll down the window and he's standing there like a chump in the rain.

"Are you really leaving?'re leaving?"
"Um yeh. That's why I'm sitting in my car with it on," I say.
"I just.......can't believe it. You're......leaving...."

After a few moments of him looking like an idiot in the pouring rain I concede and go back inside. Believe me, I wouldn't have gone back in had he not gotten his finger out of his ass and decided on a place. Hell no. I let him stand there in the rain until he figured it out.

I was joke. Some of you might be sitting there thinking...."big whoop, you walked out, you still went back in." But you have to understand, I never would have done that before and I wouldn't have just got up and walked out. Old Mer would have hung in there until a decent hour and then she would have left with a nicey nice good bye not letting onto the other party that she was pissed. Later on I would have decided to never hang out with him again - but that would have been a lot of wasted time. Instead I cut to the chase, I told the truth and I felt empowered for it. I walked out on a man. He followed. That's never happened to me before and it felt good. Its not the MOST amazing stand of independence I've ever had, but its a baby step toward feeling like the person I always thought myself to be. I talk a good game, but its a matter of backing up my mouth, which I think I did.

And this guy didn't do anything wrong per say either, but don't make plans with me and then pick your ass. Not happening - whether you are my friend (which this guy is) or someone I'm dating (which he wants to be) - I'm not wasting my time anymore and I'm happy I exemplified it and stuck to it. Go me.

We wound up going to a spot that will now be where I go for Halloween this weekend so something good came out of it. And we did in fact wind up having a good time - it was an early night nonetheless, but at least we got out for a little while and I didn't pay. Nice.

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