Last night was yet another awful sleep night. I sit and I go over things in my head, one right after the other and it can keep me up for hours on end. Why do I torture myself? Sometimes I don't mind these inner work sessions where I assess what makes me happy and what doesn't, however, last night was all about what doesn't make me happy.
I've come to the distinct conclusion that these last few months - how awesome they may have been - have indeed been spent living for the day and not thinking enough about the future. I've allowed myself to be taken a little too much with the flow and now, in October, I'm finally feeling the pressure to do something with myself. Almost to the point of stricking myself with anxiety. Not good. Its not good because I tend to start losing my hair when this happens and this morning there was a clump of it in the drain. So. Not. Good. This means I'm stressing and we can't have any of that right now.
My post the other day had me ranting all about people and things that piss me off. I should really have seen that as a sign to wake myself up and really realize that I'm just not happy with myself. I'm not happy with finances, I'm not happy with my job, I could give a fuck about a real relationship with a guy. I DO NOT want to be with someone until I am on my feet in a way that I think is substantial and I'm not talking about just paying down some debt. I want to be my own person with my own money and my own life. I'm not going to pass the time with some guy and get sucked into something that isn't right for me.
Its shit or get off the pot time.
Of course this means that there will probably be less and less posts because my life will not be the stupid conglomeration of getting drunk and making out with inappropriate fellas. It simply cannot be that way any longer.
Exactly what has me so up in arms about myself? For starters, yes, money is an issue and I have none of it and I don't see a forseeable answer in the immediate future. A second job will come soon. Second, my job here is not as fulfilling as I would like it to be. I've mentioned this before - I like my boss, I like the people I work with, but there really isn't a whole lot to do here, thus turning my brain into mush. I fuck up on the smallest and easiest of tasks. That is not me. I basically used to run two departments prior to this - I was the "Go To" girl - not anymore. Right now I feel like a lump on a log. Not cool.
My plan is to get back on my feet with money and then really start to do one of two things (1) look for another position when I've been here exactly a year. This job will be for more money and it will be at an outside corporation - I've been here 8 years and I think its time to move on. (2) start my own business. I have NO idea what it will be, but working for myself sounds pretty good. It will be in some kind of sales since I know I have a knack for sales, why I am in a desk job is beyond me.
I would LOVE to act, but let's be honest, that is a long shot - not saying I won't give it at least a chance, but I have to have something to fall back on.
Third, I've said this as well before, but I must continue to work out and get back in the A-1 shape that I used to be. Unfortunately my back has thrown me a curve ball in the last two weeks and its killing me, thus stopping me from all exercise for a little while. I hate that. I like the gym and I hope to get back in there 5 times a week.
And lastly, I'm no longer wasting time. Life is too precious. Although I do not have the funds to do any of the things that I enjoy, I'd rather do something creative with plastic spoons and yarn than waste any more time. I have to be proactive and not inactive.
People change their lives everyday. They find something they have a passion for and stick with it. Why not me? Why can't I be one of those success stories on the Oprah show? If Joe Schmo can do it, then why can't I?
I've started four books in my life. The first one was when I was in the 5th grade. The second I started back in 2001 and I have yet to finish it. Its a great story and I have an ending, but I need to bring it all together. I pick it up, re-read it, write a couple of pages and then stop. I have two other stories like that and I can't stand it. Perhaps I should cut the shit and sit down and really work on it. What if this is the golden ticket I've been looking for and my lazy ass is keeping me from doing it?
Between my last post and this one - you think I'm trying to work out any issues? Shit.