Wednesday, October 19, 2005

What's Next?

Its high time I find a hobby. I was talking to a friend of mine last night and he does all these wonderful things and all I do is go out dancing and drinking. I mean I guess in a way I could make dancing and drinking a hobby, I do in fact excel at it, but I need something for my mind or my body to do.

My friend plays sports, he takes his dogs to the park or as of right now he's taking a kick ass class that I wish we had around here. Basically you get to beat the shit out of people for about a good 2 hours....that's what I'm talkin' 'bout. This little girl has an awful amount of aggression she needs to unleash.

Seriously though. I spend my money and my time on frivolous things when I should be concentrating on either school (which I can't afford), or something to get the juices flowing. Going to the gym just isn't enough for me, I've said this before, I get bored easily. Take me to the same restaurant or bar too many times and I'm like "eh." When I was really little I'd stomp around the house proclaiming my boredum like the town crier....

Me: "I'm Booooorrrrred."
Mom: "Why don't you draw?"
Me: "Drawing is boring."
Mom: "Why don't you play with your Barbies?"
Me: "Barbies are boring." - only so many sex positions Ken and Barbie can do...
Mom: "Why dont' you go outside and ride your bike."
Me: "Where? No one is home."
Mom: "I don't know Meredith. Stop being a winge. Go see your father."

Five minutes later I was getting yelled at for something or other by him and it was back to doing nothing. Doesn't seem like much has changed. I get ansty and feel trapped wanting me to pick up and leave for bigger and better things.

I have this blog and I like to write on it, but I can't even say half the things I want to say. I want this blog to be special, but I don't know how. Blogs are currently all the rage and soon enough they will fall off like every other fad. This guy has a blog.....need I say more? And since I can't write a lot of things I want to write about, it makes it tedious to even find a subject worth mentioning.

Another hobby it must be. But what? I'm very artistic, or at least I used to be. I draw very very nicely, but when I pick that up and do it a few times, I'm bored again because I know I can still draw so why keep doing it? I don't find inspiration in it and it doesn't flow nicely, its just that I have very good hand eye coordination...that's it. I threw out a lot of my drawings when I moved. Many of my charcoal drawings were of Ted (he was usually stoned so he made for a good model......and he was hot), so I threw them all out. Stupid. They were good.

I like my photography, but again, I need inspiration and alone time for that - lots of alone time. I also need money for more classes and the proper equipment for my camera. Until more money flows, it will have to be on hold for a little while.

And the same goes with men. I use them up and discard them like tissue. Ted only kept my interest for so long because he was a constant challenge. Its a problem I have. I can remember when I was younger hanging out with my best friend and I was dating George. He was so wonderful, but I turned to her one day and I said something to the effect that I was growing tired of him and she turned to me and said, "Oh no.....not again."

Is there something wrong with me that I do this? That I meet a challenge and then walk away? Does it mean I have committment issues? Am I not surrounding myself with enough people who challenge my mind? I'd join a book club, but what if I hate the book? That right there is enough to turn me off forever. Cooking class? I don't have my own place anymore so that wouldn't be nearly as fun.

I want to fill my life with things I like to do and spend time with people who fulfill me. I miss being in a relationship because I felt like there was always something to do. We always had errands to run, family to see, parties, romantic nights, the movies - you name it, we did it. I miss having the person next to me being the same person I got to go home and sleep with. Trixie is cute and all, but I don't go that way.

But before I get into a relationship again, I feel this urge, this dire need to fill my life up with rich life experiences and I can't help but feel like I'm not doing that. Don't get me wrong, this summer was ridiculous. It was crazy fun, but now I'm wanting more. Drinking and dancing is getting old......not to mention expensive. One night a week is cool, but I can't do it three days anymore for the pure fact that its starting to feel played out and I get the feeling I'm not alone.

Maybe when I get a second job (NOTHING is out there right now - trust me, I'm looking), things will feel like they are progressing. My nights out will be further between one another and I'll cherish those drunken stupors all over again. For now I'll plug along as ususal keeping my eyes peeled for new adventures and new trouble to get into. Apparently I excel at that as well.

1 comment:

NCTRNL said...

Yeah...you're definitely not going through anything that many others don't go through. I think it has a lot to do with being at this point in your life. You're out of school. You have a job. You just don't have the prerequisite husband and kids. It's almost like there's nothing for late 20's single people to do. If you don't have kids then you're shit out of luck. I hate that feeling...