Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm a Semi-Bad Person

Its been a few weeks so I think I can finally talk about this. This is most likely going to be long so get comfortable.

You all want the scoop on what happened with Kenny? Lots of misunderstandings and stubborness...that's what.

I'm not a gossip - normally I keep to myself and secrets are pretty safe with me. I don't need to burst any bubbles and I don't keep bad friends so gossip is not me. However, sometimes I stick my foot so far in my mouth that my thigh is connected to my cheek.

When I first started talking to Kenny I told him about this website. I told him that I write what I want to write, but it should never be taken seriously. I write my shit out here in the moment - rare are the days when I sit down ahead of time and actually write it out beforehand. That being said...he went on the hunt to find this site. All the while being told that he shouldn't, but you know what they say about curiosity and the cat....He couldn't find it.....until I fucked up and used his computer one day making him able to ascertain the info he needed. But its ok, no one knows him, I changed his name and I didn't say anything BAD, but he could now get inside my head. Not good. He also got to read about my wild summer. Not good either. But whatever, I'm me - love me or leave me either way I'm a survivor.

He asked me one thing and one thing only - that if I had any problems with him I should talk to him about it first. Ok, fine. I got that. He also said that perhaps it would be smart for me to start another blog to write out frustrations I have with everyone and anyone. Good idea - his idea. Ok. Fine. I got that too.

Got this all so far? Not brain surgey so I'll move on. With certain people in my life, I am very explicit with story telling. I don't use naughty words, its just that I can tell intimate things to specific people. Trixie is one, my guy friend is the other (no need to put his real name up, he reads this site - so we'll call him James). Well. Kenny and I started dating and I can honestly say I liked him for him. There wasn't any ONE thing that stood out - he was a stand up, solid guy - funny and smart, cute, made a living - you know all of this, you've read my site. Duh. He treated me good and he was smitten.

Onward.

Kenny and I were only dating, no exclusiveness, still able to do my thing. Now remember, I liked him for him - nothing more. That said, I told my confidants that the whole intimate department was not my taste. Of course I was a little more descriptive than that. Got to remember, these are people I talk closely with so I can be candid like that. Spare me your grumbling, we all do it. We all talk about one thing or another with our close friends.

However, my dumb drunk stupid butt used his NASA issued cell phone to check my hotmail account and read an email from James. THE second I read the first line I knew I was busted. "I forgot that you had a make-out session with Carmine." - Yes people, I kissed Carmine one very blasted night. Not a big deal, but Kenny didn't need to know about it. So my drunk butt closed the program on his phone, screen went white, my name was called to sing (of course we were doing the lame karaoke thing) and I handed to phone back and said, "don't read that." - still thinking that I had closed the program successfully, but to be on the safe side, I told him not to.

Did it go that way? Nope.

He of course did not hear me and the next day he logged onto his NASA issued cell phone and WHOOPS - there was my email. I don't know exactly what was written, I erased it the next day after I read it. But I believe it said one or two things about Kenny and the fact that stuff wasn't "hot" enough. Ok, my bad. It also, obviously, said that I made out with Carmine. Ok, my bad again. I didn't deny any of it.

This is where things get odd.

He waited like 5 days to say something. In those five days he hung out with me, we chilled, had great laughs, yet he didn't bring it up. What is that? Ok fine. But when he finally did decide to say something, he was ok with everything. Like super cool. He said we could "work on things" and of course he said other things in his defense in "that department" - whether or not they were true, I could honestly give a rats ass - but I digress. But he was still cool with the fact that I made out with another guy. Two points here. First, I basically rip him apart in an email to ANOTHER guy AND....AND!!!!, I make out with someone else and he's ok with BOTH??????

WTF????? But let's move on shall we?

Many of you out there in cyberspace would have put me on the chopping block. I would have too!! Come on now!!! I guess his reaction right there - being so nonchalant, kind of started his demise. I DON"T want someone beating me to death, don't get the wrong impression, but honestly, I'm Italian, I need SOME kind of yelling going on to know you care.

Onward further - because this shit gets even better.

At the same time as this email is flying around, I had started my other blog. This blog as mentioned before was an experiment for ME. There were NO ties to my other site and no one except James and one other person who lives in St. Louis knew about this site. Its explicit. Like I try my hardnest not to be the coy Mer, I'm a vixen. But in a few posts I've talked about things going on in my life - one of which was Kenny and his lack.....well intimacy issues turning me on. We'll leave it at that. This website was HIS idea and I never used anything to describe him or his name, identity - no one even knew about it. I didn't even describe things that happened with him, just that it wasn't hot. Well maybe I said one thing that can be misconstrued, but again it wasn't a bad thing - I even went on to say that I liked him for him and I was willing to still give it a go.

Things were fine. Until one fine day, until about a week after the email incident I'm checking my stat counter on Finding Mer and then I go over to Blah blah blah and I notice the same IP address show up on both sites. Not only that, but this is the same IP address that I had pegged for Kenny. Not Good. My Stomach flew out my ass and I think my colon did the tango on its way out.

I was furious. Completely furious. I know I'm not a good person for writing what I wrote, then again I didn't write anything awful. PLUS, its all anonymous - he can't be identified. I was furious because he's the one who told me to start the damn thing in the first place. AND, whatever issues I had with him, I was trying to "coach" him on. Just because I didn't outwardly talk to him about it doesn't mean that I wasn't trying to communicate with him. I have other means of communication - if you get my drift. But whatever.

I took the defensive. I was so mad that if I had talked to him I would have made no sense whatsoever - I would have sounded like Ricky Ricardo - but I don't speak Spanish so that wouldn't have gone over well.

I was only 99.9% sure that he found the other site. So I posted to it and I wasn't nice - I blasted him (never used his real name or even his pseudo name) for searching for it. If he did in fact find it, then he would have read the post and known to leave me alone. If he didn't read it, then all was good with the world.

That evening while on the phone with Trixie he called. I didn't pick up, again, still too furious - I'm Italian, sue me. Got a voicemail from him and basically he conceded defeat.

Tail between legs? Not sure, again it was only a VM. But then a few days later I received an email - him giving me the shove off saying he wasn't sure if he could date me knowing that his personal life was being exploited.

Spare me.

He was completely interested in having himself displayed on my site, not worried or concerned - but he was foolish to believe that it would ALWAYS be good. Also, this site is a diary - a small fraction of my life - these posts are thoughts and feelings and I repeat myself constantly that this is a forum for me to work out issues. Still he didn't believe me - he persued it further. He was warned not to look at THIS site, yet he did - he didn't take the warning. He was told NOT to take it seriously, he did because he tried to tell me stuff about me - don't analyze me ok? You don't know shit just from reading a few posts.

I fessed up when I was wrong (email to James) and I apologized for it- again, I'm talking personally to a friend of mine - but it was his phone, I see that argument. Fine. But at his suggestion I created the other website and he gets upset because its truth and not all peaches and cream. He wanted me to talk to him about his inability to kiss me correctly? I did better than that - I showed him. Isn't that communication? I took Communication in Action in college, I believe it is.

And instead of confronting me, he emails me. My response? I took the high road and told him that I wasn't going to go on the defensive because then the emails would fly and I left it at that.

I guess I wasn't all that upset either because life went on as usual. I wasn't going to marry him and I wasn't all self conscious about it - worrying what he thought about me and blah blah blah. It was what it was and I'm fine with it. What happened happened and you can argue for both sides. I take the blame, but to a point.

But this whole situation rubbed me the wrong way and that's why I had to tell you. That and the fact that I love you all and must tell you everything. Not EVERYTHING, but enough.

I know where I went wrong, but at the same time, despite the fact that this is on the internet for all the world to read, I still feel like he invaded my space somewhat. I know that sounds crazy, but I did ask him to stay away on more than one occasion. I was wrong for the other website, but I can't tell you enough, I didn't write anything bad.

Doesn't matter now does it? I've moved on.

2 comments:

NCTRNL said...

Not to be a typical guy but do you have any openings for teaching guys how to kiss? Not that I need the practice but it can't hurt right?

Jay said...

Mer,

Urban trip misses your Bon Jovi vocal stylings..Where you been?

Been reading your blog and happy to see where the whole Ted ship is headed..reminds me of a classic Eagles song where they say..

"Just remember this my girl you can live your life in chains. And you never even know you have the key."

Blessings,

Jay
Urban Trip