Monday, October 10, 2005

Ranting 101

The text messaging post was lame. Yes, admit it - its ok, its just that I'm a little spent these days and I don't have much to write about.

You want to know what is really going on? Well lets see?????..... - I'm stressed for a few reasons and I hate being stressed. I used to be stressed all the time but between my ex-husband and Ted I don't have time to be stressed anymore and I don't like to be upset for any reason. If you bother me, then I'm done with you. I have NO TIME to get aggravated anymore and I won't put myself in those situations. You piss me off, se la vi. I won't even bother telling you that I'm pissed, just leave me alone.

I think it might be this weather we are having and its bringing me down or making me cranky - I think its the latter and not the former. I've done a lot of changing this summer and I now know what sets me off and what doesn't and why I don't really give a shit anymore.

Ok, first, I don't debate with anyone anymore. Its not THAT important for me to be right - so if you argue with me and you HAVE to prove your point, I shut up. You know why? Because I know what I know and I was not put on this earth to prove you wrong. I had to do that with Glenn night and day, day and night. I've been right enough times in my life to not have to argue with you or anyone.

If you are my friend or even a complete stranger, then I won't and refuse to fight with you - if its that important to you to be right about the pending weather forecast - fine - you win. I won't argue with you that it will be sunny with a chance of rain over sunny with some clouds covering the area. Fuck it - you win o great and mighty wonderful one. You won the great sunshine debate. Feel good asshole?

Also, I know an alcoholic when I see one and a druggie when he's near. There are some shady people out there..... stay the fuck away from me. I have no time for anyone who abuses alcohol or drugs. If you have a friend who does any one of these, leave them home or give me the wrong address because I don't want to chill with these types anymore.

Second, I talk to Ted and I hate that I hide it. I've even seen him a few times and I hide that too. Actually no one ever asks me who I'm on the phone with or who I just saw or what I did. I don't see him enough for it to be a concern, but I have in fact seen him and each and every time has been nice. That's it. Nice. I don't write about him because this one thing is private and delicate and I want it left alone. I'm happy that I don't talk about him because it makes him less real to the outside world - the world being friends and family. I have tried to talk to these people wanting advice or maybe even acceptance, but they balk and then I change the conversation - so again - FUCK it. He's not a big part of my life right now so its ok to me that I don't discuss him. Why make it an issue when it isn't one? Again, I'm different than before. Why bother discussing issues when they aren't worth it? No need to ruffle feathers.

Third, I hate people who brag or think they are any better than you and me. I don't brag. I don't sit there and give people my resume of a life when I talk to them. If you and I are engaged in a topic and it comes up that I've been here or there - its just part of the conversation. My life when I was with Glenn was MUCH different than it is now. I wanted for NOTHING - money was coming in hand over fist and I wanted for nothing. I went everywhere, I did everything - I bought it all. Life was good in that respect. We vacationed where we wanted to and it was always the best of everything at the very best places. From Broadway shows to sporting events, I did it all. I hate it when people assume I'm not as seasoned in the arts as I am. I hate it when people assume anything period.

I hate it when people brag to me about something I've done a thousand times over. You know why? Because to me its not a big deal. I'm not gonna kiss your ass and worship you just because you did or are doing something that I consider part of everyday life. I'll say "Wow that's awesome" - because it probably is and I'm happy for you - because if you are my friend, then I am sincerely happy for you. But I won't make a big deal out of it. I consider the life I've lead to this point in my 28 years to be extremely privilaged and I'm happy with it because its mine. I'm no less of a person because I'm not doing them at this particular point in time. Those experiences will be with me forever. (I had a boss that was like that and I hated her for it).

I also miss sports and this time of year has me missing them even more. I loved watching sports, listening to SportsCenter every morning - going to 3-5 games a week whether it be a Yankee, Devils, Giants or yuk, even Jets game - it didn't matter, I loved going to sporting events. I used to have a lot of contacts and a big extended family - tickets were never an issue to any sporting event. I miss that. I miss being the die hard fan I once was. Knowing everything about every player on all my teams. Times have changed and so have I. I miss them and I can certainly be just like that again, but I don't have the desire, the want and the need. But I miss it, I really do.

I miss playing all the sports I played. Again I don't brag so there are people out there, that I am in fact close to that don't know I played in an all men's softball league for 4 years in West Paterson, New Jersey - not because I petitioned to play - it was because I was asked to play. I played first base, catcher and short center and on occassion third base and I was actually pretty good. I've also been in a hockey league, but it cost too much and the drive was pretty far, thus ending that. Also, when I become good at something, I lose interest - I know I can do it therefore there is no more challenge anymore. - and don't get me started on athletic ability in high school - even if I could have gone all state in high school, I don't sit and converse about it - because that was high school, not now. - I HATE those people who hold onto high school memories and talk about them like they are still the shit 10 years later. Idiots. Especially wrestling - DO NOT get me started on those people who drone on about wrestling and how good they were in HIGH SCHOOL. Let it go bro. Let it go.

I'll get back into sports when I have someone to share it with. FUCK YOU if you think that's very bandwagon - it would be bandwagon if I didn't stick with the same teams - its not bandwagon when you take a break for personal burnt out issues.

My family and friends who knew me even a year ago know what sports were like for me. They understand. Hell Ted even commented on the sports issue, but that's another story.

Another thing I don't do that I used to....keep any memorabilia. I don't make scrap books of vacations - or keep keepsakes from first dates and whatnot. I don't keep stubs from games - jeez, I used to have a whole shoebox full of ticket stubs, but now, to me its just another piece of paper. I had my Stanley Cup tix at my desk for the longest time, but now, no more. Although my World Series tix are still sealed up and in a box.

I used to collect a lot. An example of a crazy item I used to have? I used to own the original print blocks from the day the Daily News ran the story from the Devils winng the 2000 Stanley Cup. They were sweet. (Got them for free too so that makes them even sweeter!!!) They now live with Glenn, but that's ok. My Randy Moss autographed pic was pretty nice as well, but alas, that's with Glenn as well. Stupid yes, but a major priority now? No.

I know I just went off about a few things, and I want to thank you all for listening. Certain things have been bothering me for awhile. I don't ever bring them up because why bother? Who wants to hear me rant about how much I hate people who brag, or how much it bothers me that I can't stock my wine fridge with $50 bottles of wine anymore? (yes, I used to have a wine fridge). Who cares if my weekends were spent at Martha's Vineyard or in Bridgeport Connecticut? Just sometimes, once in a blue moon, it does in fact get to me that I don't live like that anymore. It bothers me when people brag in my face about this, that and another thing - I don't go back at them and try to one up them. Why bother? I know the life I had, I know what I've done in the past. Do I really need to feel better than this person? I know I am. Just kidding.

Trixie made an offhand comment this morning that got me thinking about sports and how much they used to mean to me and how little they mean to me now. I've already come to terms with the relationship side of Mer. I've kissed my toads this summer, I had wilder times than I probably should have - I'm better than some of the things I've done, but I experienced them and now know what I like and don't like. Go me. If a relationship isn't working out to where I'm the princess and should only be treated as such - then fuck it, its not the right relationship for me. I learned that this summer. This summer held a lot of changes for me. I started out one way and I've ended it another. Nothing in my life is the same and I like it.

That said, the comment from Trixie had me assessing some stuff. One small comment and I wrote all of this.

Now that I know what I want from a relationship - what else is there for me? I've closed that chapter - the relationship portion of Mer is complete - of course it needs fine tuning but that won't happen until I am in a relaitonship again and there is NO rush for that.

Where do I go from here? Mer found serenity with relationships. Now she needs to find serenity with everything else in her life. What makes me tick? What drives me?

I've become so nonchalant about affairs that I'm becoming blase about my life. What happens happens. Not good. Perhaps I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my life. Again the big part is done, now I have to work on the other 75% of Mer.


anne arkham said...

Good rant. I agree with everything except for one thing: your text messaging post was not lame. I really liked it. :)

NCTRNL said...

Wow...I would love a girl that has played hockey. Then maybe I wouldn't be by myself when hockey was on TV...