So yesterday I was bitter. Today I'm better. My tired silent anger helped me yesterday to express my disapproval with my guy. I was able to knock off work early last night and sit down and talk to him. I told him I wasn't happy with how slow things were progressing with his moving out. I told him that he was basically taking advantage of my kindness by not looking for an apartment like he had been doing previously. Plus he's been mooching - he hasn't helped around the house at all, he hangs out, reads the paper, drinks beer and generally takes up space. I feel awful though, he thinks that our relationship is going so well because we haven't been fighting lately - doesn't he see that I'm not home 3 of 7 days? That I have completely and totally given up? I can't stand his inability to be an adult and take responsibility for his actions - I told him that I have no fight left in me and I wasn't going to waste my time arguing with him about his drinking or laziness. That's on him and I'm done.
Sometimes when I get so mad I write letters to him. I never give them to him, why I don't know but I don't. Here is something I wrote about 2 weeks ago:
"I really don't know what is wrong with you. You have been edgy for the past couple of days and I don't understand why. Honestly you probably don't see a difference, but who you were last week and who you are this week are two different entities. I hate it. Just when I'm liking you again and thinking that there is a shred of hope, you become this arrogant fuck who I want to kill. Last week you were on the ball and all positive, you only talked about good stuff and moving forward with your life - this week I've heard enough about your boozing and smoking and killing to last me a lifetime. This is EXACTLY what I am talking about when I say that I need a break. It seems like whenever there is good times, they are immediatley followed by bad. I will be dead ass - I. Don't. Care.
I might be selfish and I might have my own issues, but I'm always positive and when I do hit a low, I don't take it all out on you. I don't run to drugs and alcohol to get me through it either. Its like this bill collector called you and there goes everything. I don't want to know what its about, I can give you easy answers but you always shoot them down so I'd rather not deal with it all.
You and I have our difficulties, this we know and righ tnow you are staying with me until you either find somewhere else to live or until you get your own apartment. But until then, do not throw things in my face because I'm not happy. They stress me out and that is a major reason why you are leaving.
Today you are going to the doctor, and you said to me about getting money and seeing the doctor and taking the bus home. Why is this my concern? I shouldn't run to help you every time you need it. Figure it out on your own like everyone else does. You need a reality check, life isn't so hard. You just have to stop making it that way. Keep your nose clean and out of trouble and it will come naturally."
Reading it makes me feel exhausted. That's it! I'm exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. When I find Mer, I hope this all changes.