Monday, April 25, 2005


I'm starting to feel like I'm becoming more and more bitter. I don't know exactly why, but I'm finding it so hard to keep the positive attitude that has always been one of my token qualities. Am I too overloaded with work? I do have two jobs. But I don't think that's it. Money is a motivator for me so I doubt that. I hate aggaravation though. I hate having to explain myself to anyone, why I can't be upset or cranky just because I feel like it? Why is it such a big deal? Maybe I ate some bad veggies or something and its affecting my mood, I don't know! Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm in a relationship that doesn't make me happy? He's not moving out fast enough and I don't know how to tell him that without really hurting him or causing some catastrophe that will set off a chain of really awful events. It wouldn't be the first time. That's why I need out. I need to find my own salvation. I need to figure out what makes me tick, what it is that I want in life to make me happy. I need to find Mer.

I used to have a great imagination that carried me through lots of boring events when I was younger. I tried to get in touch with that side of me and I can't find her. I can't find my imagination and that scares me. I used to pride myself on it and now its gone - off to never never land I guess. I say this because I used to love to fantasize about men. I would meet one or see one on TV and I would daydream about him. I miss doing that. I miss giggling to myself and having something to look forward to thinking about later on while I drift off to sleep.

Diane Lane was onto something when she moved to Tuscany, Italy in the movie "Under the Tuscan Sun." I related to that character and understood her need for difference. It will happen.

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