Monday, May 16, 2005

Dusting Off the Cobwebs

Its been a VERY long time since I've dated. I met my husband the month before my seventeenth birthday. I was married at 24, divorced at 26. Shortly after my husband and I split, I started dating "Ted." Unfortunately, "Ted" and I never really dated - we were just automatically together. It was all very fast and before I knew it, I was in the thick of it.

Cheryl asked me the other day if I'd start dating right away and I've been giving it some thought. Although I would truly love to be "in love" and I want that feeling again so bad, I think I need to take some time and let this manic mania I've been feeling subside for a while. Maybe then I'll find someone worth my time.

I want that giggling laughter, you know that kind - when you are so happy with someone that when you think of him a smile suddenly appears across your face. You catch yourself smiling - and the smile only broadens. I want the funny feeling in my belly when I think about him touching me inappropriately and the daydreaming that follows.

Its been so long since any of that has happened and I'm scared that I'll never find it again. I don't think I've truly experienced life. I hear other people's life stories and I feel I have yet to really enjoy life to its fullest, thus the trip to Italy.

I've been lucky enough to have three great loves in my life. But what if that was all a facade, it was a dream I concocted in my mind and the reality is I changed myself to become their ideal? What if all of it was false and I was fooling myself all this time. Because if it was truly real love, wouldn't I still be with one of them?

Maybe my prince is out there waiting for me, but the funny thing is, I don't think I need him. I shouldn't wait around for him right? I have bigger fish to fry - its just finding the right lake to hang around.

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