Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Whining Bitch

I've been avoiding writing because I'm tired of listening to myself complain about my life. But I really am deflated because I just don't know what happened with my apartment. I'm dumbfounded and I'm upset, skeptical that I'm even going through this all. Yuk.

I'm thinking about all of my options and I really do not know which one to persue. I'm the type of person that once I make up my mind, that's it - its gonna happen. The problem is I doubt myself so much that its hard to make up my mind. Its like I try to live my life by what is wrong and what is right when I should really be doing what I want to do. So I ask myself, what do I want to do? Good question.

1. I want to finish school but that is not my top priority in life - sad but true.
2. I want to travel - Italy specifically
3. I want to go to Montauk alone to figure some stuff out. That will probably happen sooner rather than later.
4. I want to be better to myself and do things with my eyes open instead of getting caught up in the moment. I owe that to my sanity to be better to myself.
5. I want to learn how to go with the flow. I get wrapped up in what is wrong and trying to be perfect that I tend to miss some of the good stuff.
6. I want to meet someone - when my wounds heal - who will be just as good to me as I am to him.
7. I want a job that pays me what I'm worth
8. I want a job that I actually care for and have a passion about.

There is so much more to this list. I have a book of about 50 things that I want to accomplish before I die. Maybe one day I'll post them.

Since I want to leave the apartment and not pay another month's rent, I'm trying to figure out if I really do want to move home or into another apartment. Here are my dilemma's with both. If I move back home, I lose independence - the very independence I've been searching for all this time. I lose a sense of self - I really want to be alone to figure out some stuff about me that I have never been able to do. On the flip side I cut my rent in half. I can pay off some bills and mom cooks, cleans and does my laundry. Before you get your shorts in a bunch, she wants to do those things. I get to be with my parents who are a source of strength and love. I also get to see my two dogs everyday.

If I move into an apartment, I'll have to come up with the rent, plus security and all that shit. Not so hard, but I have to sell my car first. I'll also be VERY alone, which will be good for me. I'll have my independence, but I risk the chance of not going back to school for awhile.

Actually after writing this, I really should just shut my trap and fucking suck it up right? I know I know. I'm just bitching, there are people in this world who are so much worse off than I am. I have to remember this. My good friend Chris actually told me to stop whining like a baby because this isn't the worst thing to happen in the world. Fuck 'em - this is about me and I'm selfish today.

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