Tuesday, May 03, 2005


I peek into people's lives every day. I read their blogs and feel a certain kinship to a few of them. These people see life the way I do and I'm happy that I've found these individuals because they have no idea how much they have secretly and quietly helped me through these last few weeks. They have no idea who I am and probably never will. Its romantic in a deranged way how someone guy I've never met has helped me get back some of what I've lost - and he'll never know that.

I hve tried to email these three writers but they've yet to get back to me. I just told them flat out how much I appreciate their writing and honesty because its helped me to feel less alone during this time.

Last night was awful, just awful. I came home to find him drunk with his two friends over. Although he was pretty cool and kept it real, it was just weird. At one point I just started to cry....I couldn't help it, I had to have that good cry. He sat in the bathroom with me - drunk of course - and spoke about our friendship and how this was all going to work itself out. He said that being friends will be the best thing to happen to us. - In a way I agree, but I don't think he understands how bad I do want him to leave. I just want to be alone. After that we were sitting in my sunroom talking some more - now we were both drunk because at that point I felt like that if I couldn't beat him - join him, and he said, "who knows, in a month we could be best of friends" to which I responded, "but you don't understand, you still have to move out. I need you out fast because I can't take this anymore - any of it." Of course he got upset and I got upset and then it was best we didn't talk anymore. I'm glad we both realized it was time to stop talking.

I'm very melancholy today. I'm just trying to not think about any of it. I'm just scared that he will continue to be beligerant and get drunk every day. I can't live like that. I'd leave but its my home. It's my place. Its so frustrating to want someone out so bad and they won't leave. Why can't he just leave me alone? I want to be alone. Go and leave me, please - I beg you.

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