Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Thank You

Thank you Maryann, Dena, Paul, Mom, Cheryl, Chris and most of all, Stephanie Klein. The last two days I was a ball of mess. I could cry at any moment and I felt awful about myself. I let that happen because it was easy, because I allowed him to post his immature behavior all over me like a billboard in Times Square. His manipulation wrapped me like a blanket and I can't let that happen. I have to listen to my gut and move on. He wants friendship because I am his rock, I am the voice of reason, but I cannot do that for so many reasons. He drains life from me like some alien life force. It will be hard to do, but it must be done. I'm not here for his beck and call, and he cannot and will not take advantage of the friendship I gave to him so easily.

He said that our relationship was full of fighting and I denied it. He said that we fought too much and that is the main reason its over. I remember a conversation where we talked about ending it because it wasn't working, but fighting wasn't the main reason.....as I recall. The fog has been lifted, the blindfold removed from my eyes, he's right. We did bicker a lot and I always comprimised because I hate drama so much. No more. I now march to the beat of my own drummer. I'm so happy about that.

My strength when I say no only grows stronger. Last night he called me before I fell asleep. It was a good conversation but he tried to goad me into believing he might drive while intoxicated. Normally I would have stayed on the phone and talked him down, begging him not to do it. Last night I simply told him that I was tired and going to bed, leaving him to his own vices. I immediately fell asleep and it felt good. Why would I tell you this, because I'm proud of myself for not stepping into his trap once again.

So why do I care about someone who has so many issues? If you have read all of my blogs, you'll gather that he has issues - major issues - its not an excuse for either of our behavior, but I will offer up this - when I started dating him I immediately was able to tell him anything and vice versa. No matter how much we fought or disagreed with one another, we were ALWAYS able to talk it out and connect and feel great after. We were friends - but he has issues and it drained me because I was the rock. I thought he needed me. I thought I could change him because our friendship was just that strong and because I thought he wanted that for US. Of course I was wrong and it didn't end good just like I thought it wouldn't. Like Stephanie said, we grow from our mistakes, its when "we reassess things and have a real opportunity to change our lives for the better." Thank you so much Stephanie for all of your fabulous advice, you talk to me and not at me and I've never met you. You rock.

Am I 100% today, hell no, but I won't break down and cry even if I feel like it right now. I'll remember all the shitty times, all the fighting and focus on all the great things to come. I'll remember I have a great family, a few good friends and a future that's mine to mold.


Loser Boy said...

it doesn't seem it now.... but it will get better.

Metalear said...

You and I seem to share a common thread for trying to be true to ourselves. It's difficult sometimes, but it does get better.
I found your blog by "accident"... or was it? :) It's good to know that there is someone, even so far away, that goes through what I go through... Thank you for sharing... :)