Thursday, May 19, 2005


Truth be told, I worry about myself sometimes. I worry because I wear my heart on my sleeve and some people find that as easy prey. I get worried or emotional without really evaluating the situation for what its worth. Take Ted for instance, I'm hurt over losing someone who isn't worth the air he breaths. He's a wasteless bag of human flesh, he'll never contribute anything to society except for empty beer bottles that can be recycled. So why does it hurt so much? Is it because I tried so hard to make it work? Is it because he possessed something my exhusband didn't and I was holding onto to Ted thinking that one day he would wake up and be my prince? I don't know but I'm a fool if I ever did think that.

I'm tired of constantly putting on a smile that I don't feel because that is what is expected. I want to be miserable, I want to tell everyone to fuck off and not talk to me. No one knows the real me and that worries me, because I don't know the real me. I am so hard on myself and I want to stop but I don't know how to start. Its a viscious cycle "to worry or not to worry, that is the question."

I have a function in the city Saturday night. I'm thinking of grabbing my camera and heading in early for lunch and to just bum around alone by myself. I'm hoping that some time completely alone will help me. To be lost in thought wihtout having to talk to anyone will be something I have not been able to do in a very long time. As much as I need to be alone, I still wish I had someone to count on. Someone to go through this with. Maybe that's my problem, I'm horrified to be alone, I know I can count on only me, but it would be nice to have someone to turn to.

People on the outside look into my life and say, "Oh but it could be so much worse." I agree it could and I don't debate that. This is my world and it has crashed. It has fallen down and its up to me to rebuild - remodel. Start new. I should be excited that Ted is gone and I can find someone who is worth my time. Funny thing is I don't want to find anyone. Am I afraid of being hurt? I don't think so, I think I'm afraid of making yet another bad choice. I want thes next few weeks/months to be about figuring out what I like and don't like. What I want and don't want, and then its about sticking to it.

I've reread this blog so many times. I sound pathetic, but I don't care. This is me right now. Love me or hate me, either way I may be inclined to tell you to go fuck yourself.

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