I went to sleep alone last night. Not that this is something new, but it was the start, it was the first night I did it and knew that it would be like this for a long time to come. There was sadness in it. Finalization. I didn't realize this until now sitting here how final it all was - or at least that is how it must be in order for me to establish me. To find Mer.
I got up this morning with no trouble - and took a shower. He was asleep on the couch in the other room. As I was towel drying I began to cry. It wasn't the teary eyed cry, it was the full fledged blubber. I broke down and cried, I let my pink underbelly become exposed and I showed weakness. I know its to be expected, but I don't want him to know about it. Its ammo for him. I thought he was sleeping until I got an email this morning and he asked me about the crying. I told him it was a moment of weakness but I was ok.
I want to cry right now. I want it to be over and done and start my life the way it should be. I'm so much stronger than all of this. I'm a survivor, this I know, but I want to let go and cry - have that one good cry that gets it out of the system. I want closure and that's not gonna happen right now. I sit here and write about all my unhappiness. I want to start writing good things.
I wrote him an email:
"I want to say one thing and then I’ll leave it. I still love you so much and in a perfect world we would be together without any issues and problems. I’m not perfect – never have been – and neither are you. But its hard to not be able to hug you and love you the way I want to, its even harder to see you on the couch. Saturday was a complete blow to me. From what I remember and I admit that I might be misguided since booze was involved, you basically made me feel like I was the one putting the pressure on you to stay with me. You said so in so many words. When I refer to as my boyfriend, its because the person with whom I’m speaking to doesn’t know the situation and its just easier. I feel icky now because I’m so confused. I thought you still loved me and wanted me like that, but apparently I was wrong. I’m upset about it, but I’ll get over it.
Second, this is really really hard for me. All of it. You living in the same place with me makes it so much harder. I can draw the line but my heart can’t take it right now. How am I supposed to get over you if I live with you? I’m your friend though and you’re mine – we’ll get through it together, but just keep that open communication with me and I’ll be fine. Don’t treat me like garbage – be my friend and you can take your time finding a roommate. Be a d*ck and you can go f*ck yourself on the street. Enough said.
Third, I’m still your best friend regardless of how $hitty you can be to me. I’m still going to want the best for you. I still don’t want to see you throw it all away on booze and drugs. I think you are smarter than that, but too weak to implement a plan for a better life for yourself. I don’t want that for ANY of my friends. I’ll admit that my heart dropped a little when you said you wanted to booze tonight – you should at least TRY to not booze during the week – just try because you have to take care of you and you should want more for yourself. Concentrate on the word searches if you have to.
I’m going to take a stab at this and say that you are hurting too and that’s why you are drinking more. I understand. I’m here for you as long as you pay me the same respect. We don’t have to talk about us to get through it. Just be my friend."
I didn't send it. He doesn't deserve a friend like me. Plus the new Mer wouldn't do something like this - she's too strong to show the enemy her soft underbelly.
I wish I had a shoulder to cry on. Its hard when you break up with your best friend.