Sunday, May 01, 2005


We fought again last night. Of course. I knocked off work early and since my cable is out - fucking DirectTV - we decided to go to a local bar and chill out for awhile. Well he seized the opportunity to make me feel like shit. He brought up a situation that I thought we had already discussed and squashed - apparently not. Not only did he make me feel like shit for something I already apologized for - he added that I'm basically an asshole because earlier the previous day I referred to him as my boyfriend. Can you believe this shit because I ain't making it up. Now I understand that we are going through something that there isn't a handbook for, but who cares if I refer to you as my boyfriend because that is basically what you are! I refered to you as a boyfriend because I was talking to someone who didn't know the situation - it was FUCKING easier! What annoys me even more is that we've had this conversation and I thought - I THOUGHT he still loved me and wanted that. A part of me held onto that so that when we held hands or kissed it was for a reason - it was an excuse to me for it to be ok. To allow the emotion. I got visablly upset at the bar and turned to him and went off. I said my peace and told him that he shouldn't try to be physical with me in any shape, matter or form because I hold an emotional attachment to those things. So its officially over. I just wish he would leave now, this second so I wouldn't have to look at him. I wouldn't feel the hurt and pain because, well just because. Today is a bad day - but this too shall pass right? I hate him for hurting me again - I hate myself for allowing it to hurt. I play the fool once again.

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