Thursday, May 05, 2005

Dazed and Confused

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone. As is the tradition I will be going out for the festivities this evening. Just one problem, he's going to be there. I'm not sure how I feel about that. We get along just fine, we are and always will be very good friends - it just will need some getting used to. The problem I seem to be facing right now is the fact that I want to hug him. I want to crawl up next to him on the couch like I've always been able to do - now I can't. Its funny how I've drawn the line on what I will and will not do. Before I would not think twice about grabbing his drink and taking a swig, or eating right off his plate, now I feel awkward. I sit far away, I get my own drinks - I hang out on my porch alone. Last night was particularly tough because he was awake when I decided to go to sleep. Normally he'll fall asleep on the couch and then I'll quietly go to bed alone. Last night he said good night from my bedroom door and walked away - I started to cry. I'm not used to this.

I know that only days ago I wanted him out of my life forever, but let me explain. He is my best friend. I can talk to him like no other and this is vice versa. We have this special friendship that I don' t think I will ever have again. Honestly, when I first met him, I was so happy that I found someone to connect with. But eventually I found out he drank a lot - he doesn't drink as much now, but still its not a life I want to live and I'm putting my foot down. If it weren't for the occasional binge drinking when he got upset - and if he could keep a substantial amount of money in his bank account, I might be willing to work through it. Maybe this is a moment of weakness that has me talking like this - I don't know. All I do know is that I feel so depressed and down. I want to perpetually cry day in and day out. I can't for the life of me figure it out.

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