Thursday, February 23, 2006

Idol, Friendship Re-Ignition, Divorce and Engagements Oh My!

Is it me or is Ryan Seacrest like the smallest man every born? Not sure if you are an Idol watcher (I don't see how you CAN'T be), but every single person who stands next to him looks ginormous in comparison. What is that? He's so tiny.....God I would hate to stand next to him....I'd feel like a cow.

I wanted to comment about last nights contestants, but if you're not an Idol fan like myself - it would be wasted....but if you did catch it - OMG, it was comedic genius....I can't help it, I find it horrifically fascinating to watch - I transform myself from bring sweet loving Mer to a ruthless Mini-Simon. So sad yet so true.

But you didn't come here to read a commentary on Idol....nope you came to read about my hardships and crazy ass life.

An old friend (ok, so he's not an 'old' friend so much as someone who I lost touch with) emailed me today and I was soooo happy to hear from him. He was a friend of mine whom I confided a lot of stuff to and in return he provided endless hours of comedic relief. He's a busy guy and he lives far from me, but I'm really stoked that I heard from him because his friendship always made me happy.

The weird/funny part of it all is that just yesterday I was thinking about him. I was thinking about calling him, but thought better of it. I can't remember exactly what it was that set it off, but I was in my house doing errands and he popped into my head....and then I started thinking about how long its been since we last spoke....and I wondered if he knew how much I missed talking to him. And of course being a silly girl I started to doubt myself thinking that I wasn't a good enough friend...did I call him enough? Did I email him? Did I say something wrong?

As far as I knew, I thought I was a decent friend, but then it dawned on me. Trixie and I were visiting him awhile back and he took us out and showed us a great time. Was there liquor involved? Does a bear shit in the woods? I got retarded in .3 joke. Later that night I thought to myself, "you know...if he was single, I would totally make out with him right now"....and like the dumbass I am, I told him about that notion the next day. I was being honest and I didn't think it was a big deal....I was drunk after all when the thought occured to me, but I think I may have crossed the line because it wasn't something we would normally converse about. Talk about awkward - but that's me, I have no bones about me and I'm very open.

I'm sure that's all speculation and bad timing....who knows. Its been so long since we last spoke, and when opportunity knocks, you have to take the bull by the horns. Since he emailed me, I thought I would lay it all out there for him and apologize....I know that its all water under the bridge, but life is too short and who knows when I'll have another opportunity to say it. And if you are wonderding, I never would have actually done it....god no....again it was one of those wicked thoughts that occurs to you out of nowhere when your drinking...kind of the same thought process that has most men taking off their shirts in -2 degree weather at a football game.

Anyway, I'm satisfied with the fact that I put it out there, even if it wasn't a thought on his mind or blip in our history as friends. I'm hoping that we start corresponding again because right now, I'm feeling very lonely and I could use his humor.

Yes I'm lonely. I'm torn between wanting to be loved and the need to be alone. With each day I become more introverted and cynical. Its upsetting because I'm afraid of what the ramifications of this mood will be....I'm afraid of slipping deeper into it and building walls that will be hard to break down.

All I can say is at least I recognize it. I get advice from my friends, my family and the readers of this site. Everyone wants to see me happy and so do I. For now all I do is go with my gut, that's why none of these guys are making it very far - why waste their time and mine if I dont' see us living happily ever after? I know a relationship is work and I'm willing to put in the effort, but come on now....there has to be a special spark something they have all lacked.


But I'm still happy to have heard from him....his presence has been greatly missed.

Tonight I'll be going out straight from work to celebrate Trixie's divorce which was finalized today and to also celebrate Nicole's engagement which occured yesterday. Nice and Nice. One ends, another begins - funny how life recycles right? I guess I should use this as some metaphor or some shit to help me see the light, but today....well today I want to be cynical and depressed...of course this will all change after I have a cocktail...or seven. Wooohoooo.

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