At first my post was going to be cynical. It was going to go over why I am the way I am about love right now. Kind of outline what is wrong with me and why I have this failure to commit. But I don't need to bore you with details. I don't need to sit here and convey why I am afraid of sharing a special moment with just anyone. I can save that post for tomorrow.
Instead in celebration of Valentines Day, I'm not going to spew my lonliness on you. I'm going to tell you that I am rich and full of love. I have the best family a girl could ask for. I have a circle of friends who love me and want the best for me. I have pen pals that I speak to on a daily basis, I have pen pals that I don't necessarily speak to every day too. It doesnt make me love them any less....because when I need them, when I need a special hello and they need words of encouragement, we are there for one another. That's great love. That's friendship. That's tangible and real. I can't feel it with my hands, but I feel it in my heart.
One word: awesome.
I woke up this morning grumpy. Cranky if you will because I was upset with myself. I was upset that I haven't allowed anyone in. Three great opportunities have come my way these last few months and three times I've said neigh neigh. It happens. This morning I was down because I thought there was something wrong with me....why won't I let it happen, why am I so scared? Why do I find something wrong with everyone???? Am I just that picky, or just that fucked up?
Seriously, I think I'm being honest with myself. I won't settle for less anymore. I want what I want. Sure there are variations to what I want, but when it happens, I'll know it. It will hit me like a ton of bricks. It might not be today, it might be 10 years from now, but it will happen.
I'm feeling much better now because I remembered that I am capable of love. I show it in my affections for my friends and family. I say I love you and I mean it. I tell my friends, even my guy friends what they mean to me. Sure they are men and at first it will make them feel uncomfortable, but then they remember its me and that's who I am. They'll hug me and tell me they love me back and for that I am grateful because these are the people who matter most.
So if you are a reader of this site, if you've ever "shown me the love" know that I want happiness for you. Know that I appreciate any sentiments you have ever shown me. Know that you are thought of and I'm sending you good vibes today.
Know that I've learned to love me and from that I'll be able to love again.