After all these months I think I'm getting a little closer to figuring out who the hell I am. Recently I've been dating yet another gentleman. He's nice, he's well educated and he could quite possibly be the best looking guy I've ever dated.....but I find that we talk a lot about me and I'm not comfortable with that anymore. Don't laugh. I'm being serious, he's...how can I put this, he's more of the intellectual persuasion - and he always wants to talk about me and my experiences and its starting to become awkward for me. Add to that the fact that in a few months he will be a full fledged psychologist and we have nothing but awkward soup for Mer.
I bring this up because I've realized in the last two weeks that I'm not the person I was a year ago. The last 14 years have been spent pleasing a man and being in a relationship with one. All my stories and experiences mostly involve one of two people....Glenn and Ted. That's not cool and I find myself talking about drunk escapades with Trixie and B rather than my day long trips to the museum and traveling to all the wonderful places I've been all because I don't want to talk about my past. I'm not that person anymore - I'm so far from being that person that I hate talking about her. I'm not as naive, I'm not as gullible and I'm a little "harder" than I used to be. I'm not so willing to please and I've created a wall around my emotions. I'm finding that its not me that says things first, rather now its the guy. When did that shift occur?
This weekend due to the inclement weather the tri-state area had (3 feet of fucking snow), I spent time chilling with my mother and she even commented on my behavior stating that she has seen a drastic change in who I am. I'm completely independent of men, they do not rule my world anymore. She finds it refreshing, but at the same time she worries. She worries that I'm shutting out good people.
I agree and disagree. I feel that I don't want to waste my time or anyone else's. I was being 100% honest when I told Jake that I didn't think I was capable of giving him what he deserved. I couldn't say and do the things that he did. I couldn't reciprocate feelings and actions of love and I have a feeling it will be the same way with this new guy. What I want will be exceptionally hard to find. Looks aren't as important as I originally thought, but being in shape is (sorry, man boobs are just not hot). Sense of humor? Yeh, guys think they are funny and witty, but I like to laugh out loud, B and I laugh a lot, I mean a whole lot, why can't I find a guy with that sense of humor? This is going to be hard. It really really will....because not only does it have to be the right kind of guy with the right kind of attitude, it also has to be when I'm ready to have a relationship....which I'm not. These two paradigms need to coincide at the right time.
This new guy was a complete accident. I thought we were just going to be friends, but he asked me out to dinner. I give everything a shot, I really do, I put my best foot forward, but in all honesty, I doubt it will work out. At least he has his own life. He has career goals that will keep us from seeing too much of one another. Whew....(but we all know from past experiencea with the dating rituals of Mer that this guy is already toast.....so sad).
Also, and this may come as a BIG shock to some, I don't want to sleep with anyone....at least not until I know its for real. My libido is out of control with the necessity to find someone good in bed, yet I don't want to with this guy - as hot as he is I'm like "eh." This guy wants in my pants really bad, but its not happening and I plan on verbalizing that to him. Perhaps that will scare him off. Who knows....if it does scare him off, then that helps me with the inevitable....breaking up with yet another guy. Chew 'em up....spit 'em out. That could quite possibly be my new motto. Its becoming a cycle that I need to break....at least now I recognize that I don't want to sleep with them before it actually happens. Plus not only do I see this, my friends do as well and I don't think they are going to allow me to keep fucking up by doing this to men.
All of this combined with the fact that I might very well be moving to Atlanta has become a bit much. Quietly I am dealing with all of this, I'm not really talking to friends and family about it because I'm trying to make a decision on my own. Like I told my mother this weekend, for the first time in my life, I'm living for me. I'm not going to school for my parents, but for me. I'm not dating anyone just to be with someone and I've finally found a click of friends that works for me. I finally have a life to call my own, and that fact alone has me saying I might stay in Jersey. This might be the indpendence that I not only need, but crave. This might be the thing that I need to finally take a stand and do me. Be me. Make my own decisions with no outside forces....but it comes at the expense of my loved ones. Big decisions indeed.
I'm thankful for the clarity that I have right now. Its the first time in my life that I see it all, the whole picture. But there is still a lot to consider here, a whole lot to think about and its weighing heavily on my mind. I'm heading down to B's office now to unload because he's the only one I know that cuts through all the bullshit, smacks me around and tells me I'm a crazy silly girl who needs to get a grip....but he's much nicer than that obviously.
More on this later.