I quit.

Today was most certainly quite an interesting day.

I quit my job.

I've always had a touch of an impulsive side, but I've surpressed that to make sure I kept those types of decisions for emergencies only. Although this wasn't a case that involved physical harm of any sort, my sanity was in dire need of help and I simply allowed myself the the impulse.

I hate my job. Waitressing is good assuming you work at the right place. It SUCKS MONKEY BALLS if you work at a place that is slowly but surely going down the turd infested toilet hole. It's also good if the people you work with have somewhat of an idea what professionalism is. Perhaps I put too much faith in the general couth of fellow waiters and management in the food industry. My bad.

And don't even get me started on sexual harrassment... and I'm not talking about patrons.

Anyway, today I woke up in a bit of pain. I have back issues and due to the load of books I commute with on the daily combined with waitressing, it's been giving me issues. Long story short, I wasn't in the mood this morning. So when I get to work and they changed my schedule, yet again, it was the last straw. I'd had it. That was it. Done. Finite. No mas.

I won't get into the legistics of this whole scenario, but let's put it this way, I know I'm better than that, therefore, I know I can DO better than that. I immediately left, got in my car, and sought a new job. Cross your fingers but I think I already got a job at an art store close to home.

The problem I've had these last few months though is the fact that I can't work in an office right now because my schedule is too friggin crazy with classes. I have to find something only on the weekends. In addition, the art store is the same place I shop at for class and I've always thought it would be a neat place to work. I figure I'm not worse off than I was at the restaurant. At least I know I'll make "X" amount of dollars every weekend. I mean I didn't even make $100 last weekend. PA-THET-IC.

Hhhmm....what else can I tell you???

As for my honey. He's ok. He listened to me today complain about work and the reasons why I left and he was understanding and supportive....once again. He's good like that and a main factor why I'm still with him. Actually it will be a year come Memorial Day weekend. Nice right? Right now if I get this new job I doubt I'll be able to take off work to see him around the end of May, as well as the wedding he invited me to in June. As much as I would love to do both, I can't. It's going to be hard to decide which trip to take. If I see him in the end of May, then I'll see him for 10 days. If I go up in June for the wedding, I'll be back in classes and will only get 3 days with him (but I'll see my Jersey friends too).

Although long distance works for me right now, it's stupid decisions like this that make it tough. Not sure if that makes sense, but I feel like I need to be really picky about the time I spend with him. I want to maximize time exposure with him because in a few years one of us has to make "the move" and I don't want ANY surprises. Ya know? Of course this is assuming that we even last that long. I'm optimistic, but a realist.

Other than that, I'm a little lonely lately. Not in the romantic sense, although I could use a little chakka chakka with my man....I mean I miss the companionship of my friends. It wasn't any one person, even though a few stick out. I simply miss all there was to do and all those people to do it with. I contemplate going back when school is over. I know I will certainly look into it and send my resume up North. One thing i've learned, everything is worth a shot.

Alright well I gotta run and do some homework if I can get motivated enough. I feel like that is all I do is work and school. Oh right...that IS all I do.

Til next time....

Guess Who's Back? Back Again????

So um….I think I’m back.

I know…I know. I’ve said this before, but I really miss it. I forgot that when I started this here blog it was because I felt alone. But this time I feel alone for a different and more positive reason. A foreign and new reason. I’m not love sick, heartbroken, or down and out. I’m making moves in my life…and I’m not talking just figuratively.

Jersey Girl moved to Atlanta, enrolled at GSU full time and will be receiving her degree (knock on wood), next summer. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing it. I’m living it, I’m being it, not dreaming it anymore.

Not impressed yet?

I’m dating someone good. Real good to me so far and guess what????....this relationship works for me.

Talk about change right? He lives in another state so he’s not muddling up my school schedule, taking my mind off what I have to get done here. At first it was a motivating factor to dating him, I knew there was no way I could allow a man to stop me, ever again so him not being in the same zip code sweetened the pot. Like I said, it works for me and that's all I can ask for because I’m so far into this goal of mine that when I stop to think about it, I swear it baffles me. I mean to think that it all started a few years ago as a mere passing daydream.

There is something to be said though about daydreams. If there is one thing I have learned in the last year, its that if you’re going to dream…..dream big. I am almost convinced that I’m on my way to accomplishing big things for myself just because I’ve gotten this far. Because I allowed myself to believe I could do it if I tried....I believed in myself.

It’s an absolutely wonderful feeling. I can’t describe it to you unless you’ve either tasted the same feeling or are guilty of actually achieving such goals.

I’ll go even FURTHER and state, that all those people that go on Oprah, (and I don’t care who the fuck you are, you’ve watched her and you know what she’s about). These everyday people, and even the “guru’s” go on her show to talk about great vast changes they made to their lives to achieve pretty substantial “WOW” factor goals. Well I’m believing in what they say. I believe it all. I’m sold. It’s all true, one small step leads to another small step and those steps make it up the stairs. I swear. It’s that’s simple. I can vouch for them.

HOLY SHIT!!! I sound like an infomercial. Alright I’ll stop, but yeh, I’m a believer.

Anyway, I’m a different lonely nowadays. I’m so busy with school and work that it gets lonely. I need to look for ways to deal with it again. I used to write to this blog daily and I’m going to try to start doing it again because it helped so much the first time. I have to admit though, I’m so out of it that I don’t even know if its still cool to write to a blog…..but I digress. This is for me remember? Who cares if anyone ever reads it again…..

And the award goes to.....

Once upon a time I was hurt. I was hurt bad. Everyone of course has their own battles scars, and I would not only be naive, but plain stupid to believe I was alone in that aspect. We have our own tales of woe to tell of hurt and loved lost. And everyone has that "one" experience that tips the crazy scale personally where it was really hard to get over the relationship and said lover. I've always been a strong person, I've always known I'm a survivor, but those dark days were god awful and there was a time when I didn't know how I was going to pull myself out of it. I felt like I was in a ditch looking up at the small opening of the blue skies shining above. There was hope, but it was out of reach. That lasted weeks, almost months, and now its dwindled down to mere moments not whole days. In fact its been a long long time since I've even had a "moment." In recent months I've only prided myself on how independent and happy I've been because I've looked to my friends and family for the love I thought I was missing. And it worked like a charm, I feel as if the world is my oyster and I have so much to look forward to instead of looking back on.

But damn those sappy movies that they play surrounding Valentine's Day, for last night I had a "moment." Last night I slumped and fell back into it without so much as a flinch. It overcast a deep, dark shadow seeping through my pores and sinking my soul to a dark place I had forgotten how to navigate. To remedy that, I sat and I wrote, I let it all out and purged myself so that when I stood again, I stood stronger.

Its peculiar when I have those moments and then after I've regained focus to take a look back. I feel quite silly for ever having that lapse in strength, which ultimately eludes to questioning the path in which I have chosen. Evenutally I feel stupid for allowing the hurt to creep in and wrestle with my emotions. One side of me is saying, "Be strong, suck it up, you're better than any of this." The other is saying, "let it out, just let it go." I find a happy medium if I give in to both, but its a scary fine line if it becomes all too frequent. I've learned how to face the demons that well inside and push the hurt, because I know my valiant ego will return from its vacation and take over, clearing the tears, soothing the soul and ensuring that activities resume to normal once again.

I've learned in the last year or so that its ok to let down the defenses once in a while. I've also learned that not everybody should be privy to that either. For whatever reason I've built in a defense mechanism that will only allow a few select in, a VIP to the nether world of my emotions, if you will. Its become extremely important to me not to give access to such things anymore because unfortunatly people have their own issues, no one wants to hear mine and not only that, they are too self absorbed to be of any use anyway. So here I stay, in my little club of a select few, moving on, pushing forward, doing me.

However I will admit, just this once, that I do infact miss the arms around me. I miss the warmth of another body. I miss feeling completely and totally vulnerable to another being. I miss his heartbeat. I miss feeling wanted. I miss feeling needed. I miss the inside jokes that only could bring a smile to our faces. I miss our exclusive club. I miss late night hugs. I miss yearning. I miss wanting. I miss having. I miss ownership. I miss plans. I miss dates. I miss kisses hello. I miss kisses good-bye. I miss missing.

[.....................]

In saying that, I'm scared.

I'm scared because I've closed myself. I've shut down that wing of the factory. Its a part I don't identify with anymore and wouldn't even know how to begin reopening for business. I know how to be in the thick of it, I don't know how to get there. I don't know what its like to be mooshy and in love. I can remember a time when it was so easy to fall into that, but now when I look back, its one of the shams I beat myself up over. It simply doesn't fit me. I can't do it. I don't know how. I'm retarded in love. How to act, how to be, what to say, when to say it. I don't talk that language anymore. Its foreign and unknown. There is no manual, there is no guide. I would rather push a million people away than risk being hurt even an 1/8 of how I've been hurt in the past. I couldn't endure. I couldn't survive. The expectations too high. The risk too great. Alone I stay.

You may call that being a coward, I call that self preservation. Eventually it will change I'm sure, but until then, the doors are closed.

Knowing me in the flesh you would never assume these things of me. You would never know that I have my dark moments, then again everyone does I'm sure, its human nature I guess. But who doesn't contemplate the travesties in their life? I would like to meet someone who feels that every decision they have ever made has been the right one. They deserve the Nobel Prize if they can put into words how they've accomplished that very fortunate task.

Some of my friends and family don't understand why I've conciously decided to not actively pursue "dating" right now and why I don't want to remarry, or not have children. Some scoff and tell me that "my day will come" and I say these things out of hurt. But I don't think they understand the clairty that fills me knowing that right now, its about me and no one else.

So I don't find it so odd that I feel like an actor, flitting about showing people how strong and willed I am to not allow anything in this world to get me down, and for the most part its true. But I do wear many hats and put on many different faces because sometimes its just easier to give them what they want. Its a show and...... "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players."

With Arms Wide Open

People have been known to avoid it like the plague, others are in denial and some make little notice. It has been known to advocate anxiety or instill fear of death, literally, but I have decided to embrace it with arms wide open. I will welcome what others deny and cherish what others shun for this past Sunday yours truly entered into a new chapter in life, on February 4th, 2006, I, Meredith Nicole [insert very Italian last name here] turned 30.

GASP! The horror!!!!

I fully admit there is a sadness that comes with not being able to say you’re still in your twenties, it’s the closing of a time when you thought that’s all you had…..time. It’s the end to what you’ll lovingly refer to as your “youth” and also the realization you are fully an adult. No more fucking up, its truly time to shit or get off the pot.

Turning 30 means so many different things to so many people. You have your business savvy individuals who are full swing into their careers and then you have your loafers who are just getting by. Then there are people like me, who have done everything bassackwards and are making up for lost time. For some women its about a biological clock, for some men it’s a perpetual bachelor existence they have clenched. For me its about me.

My twenties were chock full of events and I won’t forget the valuable lessons I learned. I traveled a bit, I loved a lot, I hurt even more. There are things I went through that most never see in a life time and I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy….well maybe that’s a lie. The thing is, I made a conscious effort to learn from each mistake/event and I have exemplified that very side in all that I have done thus far. Sure I’m still making mistakes, I’m the least perfect person I know, but I’ve never looked back and only feel that the doors that have been opened will only keep on opening.

For whatever reason I feel this is the most complete I’ve ever been. I make decisions based on a gut feeling or a nice mixture of brain and heart, but I will not allow myself to be ruled by others emotions. I’m not here to make anyone happy but myself. Somehow, someway I lost that focus in my early twenties and it only flooded into the latter portion of that decade, a malady I will not replicate.

The freedom that I feel, the independence that bores through is exceptionally satisfying. Unless you have been there, then what I am saying is completely off kilter for you and you would not understand. I feel as if the world is my oyster and everything that has happened to me has been an education. I look forward to my thirties because this is the time to do everything I have ever wanted to do, whether its sky diving in Pennsylvania, or scuba diving in Bermuda - I'm doing it all and nothing will stop me this time around. There is a nice calm that has settled within, a balance that was never there before.

Its true though, my life has gone in reverse, my twenties were about everyone else, my thirties will be about me. I'm not exactly sure where I was going with all of this. Perhaps it was an update, perhaps I just needed to say out loud that I'm happy. Finally. Maybe next time I can update on the Atlanta move.....oooo nice.

The Casino Of Love

If dating were a game, I would have to say its craps because I'm always coming up snack eyes.

Let's discuss…..

Take love in general….lets say that "love" is a casino and we are all roped in by the lights, glitz and the pizzazz. The casino calls our names willing us and convincing the nether regions of our brains that we too can win if we're willing to gamble. So we concede and head inside with deep pockets and high hopes wishing for the best, praying for jackpot!

We enter the playing field looking at all our options and our eyes bulge at the infinite possibilities - the slot machines, the roulette table, poker, black jack and craps. We gush with anticipation, our palms get sweaty, we have a twinge of nervousness, but we're here so we suck it up because its go hard or go home. There is a reason we have stepped into the war zone of love, we're in it to win it. We continue our stroll around the area getting an idea of what we want and how we'll approach it, since you always need a game plan otherwise it will be over before you know it.

We split up and some of us head straight for the slots plopping down in one spot. Rookie mistake. See, the players on each wheel contained within that slot machine symbolize the same players in your life, it's a matter of coming up with the right combination that will heed any results. Most relationships are like the slots and its not a place I prefer to be. They are the never ending cycle of obtuse mundaneess that comes with a stale relationship. There isn't anything exciting about it, the players never change and it takes too many tries to get it right and hit pay dirt. We see the same people in our lives circle about us in different combinations and until that little bell goes DING DING DING CHA CHING – its not worth it. It's the more relaxed approach to dating I guess. Unfortunately too many of us get stuck on the slots because it is the most comfortable. Only a few of us are lucky enough to find the right arrangement thus leaving us to settle for lesser amounts of riches and hop off eventually for another machine. Too boring with little results.

An upgrade to the vicious rotation of the slots would be the roulette table. Ahhhhhh we think the roulette table is more fun and an easy game to play. We approach it thinking that all we have to do is spin the wheel, place the bet and if we win, we're happy. However, this too is another relationship falsehood. Roulette represents those who are already in a relationship whether long term dating, engagement or marriage. The partnership is controlled by numbers. Ever notice when you are in a relationship on any level, dates of events just seem to go round and round, every weekend is another something or other to attend – parties, birthdays, confirmations, weddings, dinner's with family – it doesn't matter what the ball lands on, the ball still has to get back on that wheel for the next number to be called. However, roulette does give us more betting/variety options, thus many keep coming back to it.

I categorize Black Jack, Poker and Texas hold 'em in the same bundle because they are card games with the dealer holding the cards, but the player making the bets. See as women we tend to lay our cards out on the table, providing the playing field and arena for a prospering relationship. We say, this is what we have, now lets see what you do with it. Unfortunately the guy displays a poker face, doesn't allow anyone to know what he's holding and will only bet on a sure thing. This is not to say that the roles aren't reversed, but the dealer will keep spitting out cards as long as they are wanted or required, but when all bets are final, it's a hold of the breath, a rub of the lucky rabbits foot and one man who is always left standing. These are usually the fastest relationships because one or the other is never satisfied.

But its craps that I'm most fascinated with and the spark to which I write this post. I see the craps table as the aggressive dating game. It's the pool to which all the active singles are drawn. It's the fad of dating, the online match site, the bars and the clubs, its the speed dating and the blind dates – all the things we try when we are actively searching for love….or sex. You keep rolling the dice over and over again, everyone is excited because everyone has something to lose or gain, and you keep rolling that dice until you win REAL big, or time runs out and its craps. Depending on how much you bet, or the rush of the game, depends on how long you stay at this table, but unfortunately, it's a tiring fast pace game that most get spent on quickly. It takes a certain type of persona to keep up this pace. I know this for fact as I too have tried the craze but I'm not much of a gambler – shit I lose $20 and I'm screaming poverty.

The casino of love is something we inevitably will visit, but the games we play will decide the outcome and how lucky (in love) we will be. It is a gamble, a gamble that we will not be fortunate in the riches that may be obtained, the goal to which we strive may never be acquired. We gamble by placing ourselves out there, money is our feelings and we spend them willingly hoping we make a profit in return. Logic and game plans are always a plus, but luck isn't systematic, it strikes when it pleases.

Boston Massacre 2006

Saying I am a free spirit is probably an understatement – saying that I am the most fun, might be more on target. For those who read this site and have had the pleasure of knowing me in person and had the privilege of raising a glass or five over some good stories and loud music can attest to the fact - you'll never have a bad time in my presence….its something I can pride myself upon. Everybody has their "thing" – me? I'm go with the flow, up for anything and never in a bad mood.

Stop laughing its true.

There are times though when even me, Meredith, the Best from East, the Wild Crazy Beast, must sit one out…..and it is due to one event in particular that I must now bow out for a smidgen of time and begin to retire because I bring a new meaning to the words Boston Massacre.

A brief foreground to this momentous occasion is that Jannette, Francesca, Marianna and myself headed up to Boston for the weekend. Why? ….more like - Why not? Friday we get there about 9:30 a.m. and hit the ground running doing the site seeing thing when I remember my friend Matty Slo happens to be from Boston and sure enough – he's there and ready to party. VERY LONG STORY SHORT – we meet up with him and some friends and the fun begins…..three bars, about a hundred Sam Adams and countless shots later, I'm not remembering much and standing upright is becoming burdensome…..

[Side note: for those who have partied with me, I can hold my own, I have never ever been "that girl" but this was past my breaking point fo sho and besides, there is a first for everything…..]

We leave the bar and bid farewell to the lovely male liquor providers. Noticing that Francesca, Jannette and Marianna are boarding a bus, I join them on what I think is our ride home. Nope - not happening - the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head were not to be mine just yet. Instead we have embarked on a Party Bus that will be giving us our own private tour of Boston. What you need to know, and what I didn't know at the time was:

(a) my friends knew the people running the tour
(b) it wasn't a real tour, these guys just took the bus for after hours fun (one is a manager of the company)
(c) the bus driver, was not a real bus driver

Uh yeh…….

Off we go, putt-putting about town, music blaring, disco ball spinning, strobe lights glaring, beers are being passed around like herpes on a whore. I'm in the front of the bus with the bus driver perched upon a speaker/console – its all good – I'm friggin Captain Carl man!!!! I got this on lock as co-pilot. Using a friend's phone, peering out of only one eye……you know…..for better focus, I begin texting other friends what a great time we're having when suddenly the bus stops….but it stops HARD and then there goes Mer…..bumbling down the stairs like a Ragity Anne Doll.

Ouch.

Like a true champ I get back up, I've bumped my head and I have a small cut under my eye, but again, its all good because I'm alive, not hurting bad and we're having a good time. I'm not a kill a joy….oh no, I'm the maker of joy, the Kris Kringle if you will of good times, a silly little cut is not stopping me nor will I allow it to hinder the happiness of my friends. HELL TO THE NO…..stopping now would be blasphemous.

Back in my co-pilot's seat (no I didn't learn), we move onward and the bus begins to slow down and pull over on a bridge/highway allowing us all to pile out and look at the beautiful Boston skyline. All is well and we're happy, however, due to the fact that I have fallen once and I'm injured, it has become my duty to brainstorm like a drunken champ because it has occurred to me, after about a good 45 minutes, that I don't seem to know these people who we're with.

Bonnie Braniac over here decides to start using the phone again texting my good friends Anthony and Gerard – one gets a picture of my eye, the other, the license plate of the vehicle we were in. Uh yeh…..come on….give a drunk girl a break, I thought I was doing some CSI bullshit. In return I got frantic replies of "OMG Mer where are you? What is going on? Are you ok?" To which I tried to alleviate concerns but I highly doubt that was accomplished as I had the attention span of gnat at that point, but I digress…… After I climbed back over the guard rail and enjoy the scenery with everyone else, we decide to load ourselves back on the bus and head out.

Guard rail???? Highway???? WTF????

Again Coked-up Carl is at the helm lunging the bus forward with the tenacity of a Nascar driver barreling through the streets of Boston clearly on a mission, when all of a sudden, the bus jerks even harder than earlier while rounding a corner…..this time a few more people fall down on each other piling up like a short stack of pancakes, but when they get back up…..Mer is back down the stairs again. This time though, I just laid there taking a mental inventory of what condition I was in before I moved. I knew right away, I had chipped a tooth and I had bitten my lip so hard I was swallowing copious amounts of blood.

Nice.

Hands reach out to grab me, but bad ass that I am, I put up my hand in the STOP formation, wave everyone off, get back up and well I don't remember quite much else because I think the brain swelling began at that point…however I do believe I finally cried. Everyone was a little shook up and it was at last, time to go home. I do remember disembarking the bus and turning to the guys and uttering to them, "I'm not paying for this ride and neither are any of my friends for that fact." I think Marianna wrapped her arm around me and ushered me back in the hotel…..I think.

The next day the girls wake up to find they are sharing a room with Rocky Balboa, hey I call it like I see it and I got a little messed up the night before. Of course in my twisted world, I found most of the stories funny because we start re-telling the events of the evening before and it continues to get worse:

Me: "I hope none of you paid for that ride last night. I told them I wasn't paying."

Jannette: "Mer, we knew those guys."

Me: "We did? When did we meet them? I don't remember meeting them."

Francesca: "You were off somewhere, it was in the last bar."

Me: "Oh man, that rips it."

Marianna: "If we ever hear that term again……Mer you were yelling YOU RIP IT to everyone in the last bar."

Me: "I was??? When was I doing that?"

Francesca: "Just after we ordered the food."

Me: "There was FOOD!?!? When was there FOOD?"

Oh boy.

Segundo

Two days off and I feel no better, what the fuck is that all about? I took pity on myself and took two days off thinking that would help to rejuvenate my mind, body and soul….looks like I need more than two days off. Urgh….

Last week I gave an update about work and whatnot…now its family time.

My mother, for anyone who is wondering, is doing great. Her surgery was a success and from what they can tell she’s cancer free….although they will be doing a set of radiation treatments just in case. I love the fact that she’s being treated where I work too since I know everyone in the cancer field here – good stuff, makes me happy. Plus in a weird way this is good for mom. Let me explain before you are like WTF? My mother puts everyone ahead of herself….like most moms…but its to a point that she is getting seriously frustrated. My grandmother (her mother) is going more and more senile as the days go on, she’s always confused, she’s lonely and a bit depressed. My mother is the only one who takes care of my grandmother and the burden is really getting to her. Its very sad to see the exchange between them and its hard to accept because this is confirmation of the end of an era.

My father, well he’s a typical dad, but something isn’t right with him either…he lives more in the past than the present thinking that things will change on their own instead of opting to make those changes himself. Not good. He's overwhelmed with no direction to get out and I think he's a bit depressed, I think the regression into his own world helps him escape and not deal with this one. We don’t know if it’s the onset of an illness, general old age or what but it scares us all the same and is becoming more of encumbrance and embarrassment to my mother than anything. We have tried to talk to him but he’s old school so its hard to get him to understand.

These things stress my mother out so having a good prognosis with cancer and getting the added attention is good for her in a way because the focus is on her. I try to talk to my mom everyday for at least 15 minutes to see how SHE is doing, not everyone else. I try…I really do but unfortunately sometimes I can’t listen to it all, it brings me down more than I already am. I'm there for her though, don't get me wrong, its just not an easy time for any of us.

My sister is still moving to Atlanta, last I heard my brother-in-law will start commuting between Atlanta and Jersey in January. It makes me very sad that they will be moving away from me, but there isn’t much I can do about it. My parents will follow them once they are settled and that will leave me with a decision to make. Do I go to Atlanta, stay in Jersey or use this opportunity to move someplace adventurous like San Francisco, San Diego, NYC….or travel? Oh that would lovely and worth it all.

This is the first time in my life I have so many choices….normally the choices would excite me and to some extent they do but I feel lost at the same time. I feel lost since I don’t’ know what I want…there is no man to hold me back and base decisions on, my family will certainly give me advice and want me to come with them, however, I feel this is the first time the decision is mine for the taking. That’s kind of sad to admit, but it is what it is. Plus I’m not crazy about my job and the money isn’t the best - I could be getting so much more so why not try something different? What’s the worst that can happen – fail? I’m petrified of debt so as long as I can keep my head above water I should be good no?

Its all up in air right now and it should be interesting to see what the next course of action will be. I really want to think this out and make sure I make the best decision for me….one that will satisfy my love of life and innate curiosities about the world and what it has to offer. I'm looking for a decision that will be bring me the happiness I’m searching for, the calmness of self in which I want to thrive. This is all part of the pressure I place on my cramped cranium, I don’t want to fuck up anymore, I want to excel and be the person I’ve always dreamt of being.

An attempt is being made, the long arduous road lies ahead of me with no end in site. I feel like every aspect of my life is a winding underground tunnel with no light shining brightly. But don't worry I know this road I'm traveling will produce soon, I just have to make sure I'm making the right choices when I come to the forks in the road. Ones that will make me as happy as I deserve. I put a lot of pressure on myself and I have to remember to take it easy sometimes since there is an awful lot going on. I want to be the person my 12 year old self thought I would be when I grew up...I want to make that child happy.

La Primera

This is part one of what I think is going to be a three, perhaps four part series of me trying to convey to you what the hell is going on in each area of my life. I’m doing this for my own good to take each portion and pick it apart to help me understand what I can do to make me happier because shit doesn’t seem to be happening on its own.

Here we go:

The Job

It’s a fact, my job is easy. I went from being an Administrative Assistant working for three high and mighty Directors in a very fast paced office to a hidey-ho snail step position as an Executive Secretary…..this job does and does not blow big monkey pole for varying reasons.

Why my job doesn’t suck.
I do nothing. I answer a few phone calls, I keep my boss’ calendar. I put him in touch with the right people, I help him with his computer questions, because the man has no clue when it comes to the computer. Sometimes I get to make him a haircut appointment and plan some business travel – oh the fun. Trust me though, when its busy and he’s on fire –lookout, my job gets trying and the bullshit flies. However, I like my boss, he’s a pretty serious dude with a high position here, but he also knows how to laugh and make light of a situation. He knows how to be politically correct with the big wigs and he certainly knows his stuff. At his level, one would think I should be a shit-load busier than I am, but I’m not.

At first I didn’t mind the fact that life was pretty easy going. I put in 8 years doing menial work and being someone’s whipping boy, because let’s face it, when you are a secretary, you’re the first person in the line of fire when the shit hits the fan. Its not fun being the first bulls eye when the boss wants answers. I am paid to think two steps ahead of my boss should occasion arise…they want answers, its my job to find them. It wasn't always easy and thus the reason why this job was cake when I first arrived on the scene. Plus now that school has begun, I can use my down time for bits of studying. Not all that bad.

Why my job sucks
I do nothing. I’m so bored sometimes that I have to create ways of keeping myself busy. I’ve read blogs, I’ve paid bills, made appointments, chatted on the phone, sent a few thousand emails…..I follow my boss like a puppy dog looking for a scrap of work. And before you start thinking I’m a lazy ass, know this, I’ve told him I’m bored. I’ve attempted asking for more work, but alas, nothing has changed. It is what it is.

Its also escalating my laziness…I get out of here, and I’m actually tired from doing nothing!!! WTF??? My autonomy sucks here and I feel that the laziness is affecting me all around. Laziness leads to mistakes and I don’t make mistakes….at least not when my reputation is involved.

I don’t feel like I have a crucial role in any of the work for this department and I feel left out of the loop 90% of the time, where before I was an integral part in the grand scheme of running the department. I miss having a position where I would trouble shoot and give answers multitasking to my hearts content. I feel that I have way too much talent and “know how” to be wasted away here. My brain is slowly going to mush - I’m afraid that once I do in fact find another job, my go getter attitude will be diminished.

My good friend B actually said “Too bad you couldn’t find a way to make more money while at work.” Good thinking B and if I knew the first thing about stocks and trading, I’d be all over it.

Oh and the pay is ….let’s just say it leaves something to be desired. I make good money, no doubt, but do I make what people in my position make in the outside world? No. Money is a big key factor here. I stated the pay is not all that great – better than minimum wage by far, don’t get me wrong, but if I were to work elsewhere my increase in pay would be at minimum another $5-7,000. We are a non-profit organization so the pay is never competing, however, I do have job security and good benefits…. You can’t sneeze at something like that in this day and age.

Here I am at a crossroads of sorts. I have a good job, decent pay but I’m bored to tears. I want a job that I’m happy to do that challenges me on a daily basis, but I’d be stupid to give it up right now since it affords me the luxury of study time (and tuition-reimbursement). I have been contemplating and weighing these things on a daily basis. Can I sit here for the next 3+ years doing this day in and day out while I wait to finish my degree? Will I survive the boredom?

This is one of the tunnels that I face. I picture in my mind each tunnel I choose there is no end, no light. Each tunnel represents another facet of my life – relationships, family, friends, work, etc….and each one is overwhelmingly dark and quiet making me feel more and more discouraged all the time. I feel alone now – I haven’t talked to anyone about how I’ve been feeling, thus why I have an urge to write again to this blog – even if it is a boring amount of drivel.

Dirty Gossipand Whatnot

I miss giving you all the dirty gossip going on in my life. I miss divulging the smallest and stupidest of things - just getting it all off my chest. It feels like its been forever since I've been doing that. I don't know, in a way I got tired of being judged...or at least judging myself. In a way I also grew up a bit. I don't do the cheesy corny things I did last year - kissing stupid boys, dating wrong men - complaining - all things that have changed. But I think I need to start archiving again, its still fun to look back a year ago and see what was going on....I need to start that again. So here it is - a quick update:

Things have drastically changed in the last 6-8 months and i'm not only talking about me, I'm talking about friends and family. First - Trixie - well we're not such great friends anymore.

Huh? What? That's preposterous!!!

Well Trixie kind of showed what her true colors really were this summer when she started dating her new man. We always knew her to be a little self-centered and self involved and we always tolerated it to a certain extent, but then she became a little out of hand and things blew up....with me as the target. Unfortunate for her and her man they came at the wrong person and fell flat on their faces. She was well on her way to becoming an outcast of the group, but this propelled i and her relationship with all of us has become a little strained. I'll tell this whole story another time because I don't want this post to become a diatribe to why she's an putz.

Second, my family is still moving. Yes its true, my sister and brother in law are slated to begin their move in January to Atlanta. That being said, my parents will most likely put their house up for sale and join them some time in the Spring/Summer 2007. What does this mean for me? I dont know yet. I just started school again and I now boast the largest network of friends I've ever had. I don't know if I want to leave that. Then again what am I staying here for? My job is ok, but I'm not going to advance and well as far as men are concerned.....they aren't. That being said, I think when they go down for a looksee, I'm going to join because I'm open and I guess I can be persuaded. I make friends easily, perhaps the move is something I need for a change....I just can't help but feel I should stay behind.

Third, I'm just plain lost lately. Depression set in last week for a day or two that had me crying myself to sleep. I dont know if its because everythng in my life is at a stalemate or if its because I'm starting to have moments of lonliness. I look back on my mistakes and I'm petrified to make those again - I will not date someone just to date them so I find myself a little more lonely than usual....ya know what? I need to get off this topic right now.

So that's the fair weather update. I'm going to try and get more detailed with each day. Even if no one still reads this website, I'm going to give my daily updates as best I can.

P.S. - if you liked the first Jackass movie - the second is even better. Yes I went and I laughed my effin ass off!!!!!

Back to School

And so it begins once again, I am going back to school and tonight is my first class in almost 4 years. Political Science - urgh....gross. I really wanted to take two, perhaps even three classes because I want to get it over with, but what have we learned if anything, about my life? Nothing ever goes according to plan. It is now costing me $303/credit which is blasphamous - I mean how can anyone afford to pay for school? Shit last time I went to this school it was $215/credit - GOOD LORD talk about inflation....actually come to think of it, when I started at this school, part time, it was $133/credit - my my my it has gone up a tad bit.

Although I have to say, I'm not worried about class, I'm smart enough to pass with minimal effort.....its just the bother of it all. I don't want to take only one class, that's nothing, I'd rather take a few and be done sooner rather than later because this seems to be dragging on forever...kind of like this post. Anyway, money is a huge factor and I'm thinking Financial Aid may be in the near future for next semester because there is no way in hell I'm going to continue with school only one night a week - heavens no. Perpetual student my ass.

This is it, I feel like I'm in the home stretch and making a good show of it, unfortunately only being able to afford one class puts a damper on things but at least I'm doing it right? Oh well...ho hum and fiddley dee.....one thing at a time.

Next step is to find a second job at least until November/December since money has been a bit tight - I'm still at home helping the parents, but I'm finding that I have nothing left over for myself, just enough to keep me busy on the weekends....unfortunately I got a bit restless two weekends in a row and blew a whopping $700 on clothes and whatnot - HEY these things happen, its like the bear in the cage, he gets restless once in a while!!! Listen, it felt good for a change to spend a little somethin somethin on myself. Amen.

So I have come to the conclusion with summer finally over and school having started....and add to that my single status, perhaps a second job would be fitting for now. I know I've spoken about this before and I've given it more thought, this is best for now. Unfortunately I have no idea what the hell to do though. Fortunately, the single status helps in this field because now if I work on a weekend, who cares - I'm not exactly missing out on anything now am I? Ooooo we haven't spoken in awhile about my single status, odd since that's all I spoke about for almost a year, but that's neither here nor there at this point.

Well.

Let it be known and said here that I have made attempts, I've been on dates, I've done the phone, email thing but alas, no one has quite tickled my fancy. Its almost to the point that I'm starting to feel that I do not want to be approached any longer. I even joined Match.Com to see what the whole fuss was - and I have to say although its a great resource, I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by it, therefore I'm thinking of jumping ship while I still have my sanity. School and work will keep me occupied enough.

The Match.Com experience has been exactly that - an experience, not even a month into it and I'm thinking that its too much for me. I've met only one person off that site and although it was a green light for a second date, I'm still like "eh" - so sad. Men have seen my profile and screamed "FRESH MEAT" - its become overwhelming and although I have much more to say on the topic, I'm going to keep you all hanging and report back tomorrow. ;-)

My New Favorite Show

TDS - Check In With Stephen Colbert

This is a first - oooo aaahhhhh posting videos - Mer is going UPTOWN now!!! - Just so you know, I love the Colbert Report - LOVE IT.

Here's the thing, I can't stand the news and I don't read the newspaper, but because of this show, I actually want to know more about what is going on. I cant' even begin to describe why I love this show so much - I think its the clever and fast whit, its all the cheesy offhand slips, its the pure fact it pokes fun at something so serious. I'm in love with this show.

Pushing Mer

I am the last person in the world who will make a tiff out of nothing. Those who are close to me know that I refuse to play into drama or allow anyone to rain on my parade. At 29 I don’t have the time or the energy to waste on anyone who will upset me, thus my ability to bounce back from adversity rather quickly.

But when you cross me, when you finally push me to the edge, be prepared to deal with what I have to say. Wait, let me back up, what you should know about my personality is that I never yell, to get me angry and fired up enough to shout, you know it’s got to be bad – only family has seen that side and its been a LONG time since that’s happened as rare as it is. Instead I opt to come to you rationally and poise my valid points and discuss like adults what is troubling me. Most of the time I won’t even open my mouth because I’ve learned to wait and allow life to play itself out….because sometimes the resolution presents itself without there having to be any incidents.

When an event occurs and I do finally say what I have to say and I’m able to divulge what I have on my mind, close friends and family know it must really be bothering me and they have learned to take it in stride and do the honorable thing by listening and not judging. They know I don’t just voice my opinion flatly and without reason, no, they know what I have to say is legitimate and applicable. My good friends know that in order for me to come to them and say I am upset with anything in my personal life - it must be truly something harsh. I don’t open up so fast to people. Yes I’m happy go lucky, go with the flow, but it takes a lot for me to open up to anyone, it’s the Aquarian in me I guess.

When it comes to those I love and cherish, I give even more lean way if they offend or hurt me. They are people I truly love and cherish and I should know their personalities and abide by their little incidentals. No need to really call them out and yell because I know personalities and I accept them for who they are because in order to be my friend you must possess redeeming qualities. Shit, I am so far from perfect I don’t expect anyone to get it on the first try I understand human nature. But I am thoroughly offended when what I have to say is placed on the wayside and not appreciated for what it is….my thoughts and feelings on said subject. I know I’ve spoken about being misunderstood, but this surpasses that because these people should know me best.

However, when you cross me, it doesn’t matter how many times you apologize, it doesn’t’ matter what the explanation is, you’ve tarnished and ruined something good and pure, because that’s all that I have to offer – I gain nothing by being friends with anyone but caring, sharing and good times. I don’t ask for anything, I don’t lean on anyone and I never complain, but once you cross that legit boundary, you’re done. If you’re alive afterward, you’ve used your ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Conceivably this may be part of my Italian heritage that has me feel that once you smear, taint or blemish a friendship I give up. It’s the same with dating – maybe its self preservation or maybe I’ve become an adult and refuse to by into the excitement that others can set forth. To me, friendship is shown and exemplified – actions do speak louder than words, that’s why an apology is sometimes not enough to alleviate the hurt that has been bestowed.

Moms

My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer today......actually about a half hour ago and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm not devastated, I'm not crying my eyes out, I guess at some point I knew that my parents would eventually not be infallible to the diseases that plague people later in life. In a way I was waiting........biding my time if you will, enjoying them while I can.

Am I being too blasé? No, bare with me. I worked in the cancer field for 7+ years. I've seen it all and I've heard it all. I've seen both sides of the spectrum from the patient's view, the family's view and the doctor's view, which is by no means a stretch of the imagination because I worked in stem cell transplant, breast cancer, research and radiation, I know a thing or two. I guess in a way you start to think that eventually its going to hit close to home,.....now its our turn.

The prognosis is excellent though because they caught it early and clearly by accident. Its a slow growing tumor and extremely small and had they not done the biopsy last week, they never would have accidentally found this cancerous nodule. Actually the doctor said that if he had not found it now, it probably wouldn't have shown up for another 8+ years. This is all very good news but still not the news you want to be hearing at any point in time. Next step lumpectomy, sentinel node biopsy followed by radiation. Thank god I know people in the field to make this a bit easier.
=================

Immediately following the completion of the above paragraphs I had a meeting - a very dull, boring and stupid meeting. My knees were knocking with anxiety, I kept toying with my necklace while looking at that clock. My tolerance for stupidy and those who are most selfish and wrapped up in their insignificant problems made my blood boil with wild fury because they aren't getting it. They DON"T GET IT!!!! While sitting in the meeting all I could think about was getting up and yelling to the point of everyone's ears bleeding so that they could understand the frustration and anger - "MY MOTHER HAS CANCER!!! FUCK YOU and FUCK THIS MEETING!!!"

I'd be stupid to feel selfish during this time because I know I'm not alone and that millions have had to endure and experience this -hell 1 in 5 people wind up being diagnosed with cancer and not only that, but I know that chances are, a majority of the readers right now have been touched someway in their lives by cancer. I just need to get it out. Scream it, punch it and hurt it. Grab it by its fucking throat and squeeze tightly and once I get it out I can face the task of putting a finger on each hand up, staring it in the face and yelling with abysmally great force, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MOM!!!!

We'll all be fine, we're survivors, but if I wasn't already tired from all the bullshit that's on my plate, I can't imagine what the coming months will be like. I'll be ok, I know this, I have no other choice because in actuality it's not about me it's about her and being there for her in any capacity needed, wanted or wished.

I'm not looking for empathy, I just had to get it off my chest and put it out there, into the universe, the pain, the hurt, the fright, the potential introversion that will inevitably follow due to my inability to want to let people in when I'm down. Admitting a weakness is huge for me....so I ask that if I see you in person, please don't make a big deal about it because I will seriously become uncomfortable. I'm not used to talking about myself on such a personal level, its not easily done. But I wanted to share this, I had to share this because its part of me and what is meandering through my skull at this moment in time.

Sigh.....deep breath.....exhale...aaahhhhh.....that feels much better now. I've purged the anxiety a bit. Thank you.

So Not Happening Again

My writing/journal came up in conversation last night and I had to explain that due to the upset of another individual, I basically took down a lot of what I have written in the last few months. Good substantive editorial type of blog posts that I myself were proud to have authored and thought on a basic level were pretty damn good. Not only that, but the few who do read this site thought these scripts were quite fandamntastic as well.

This was a few weeks ago and it still aggravates me that I went back on my own convictions and allowed myself to be ruled by the misperception of another individual. I despise that I compromised my belief on writing out thoughts, feelings, actions and quandaries all for the sake of said person, who in the end really didn't take into consideration the multitude of what I did to alleviate their concerns. The more I think about it, the angrier I feel for succumbing to it.

The thing is, I'm not a malicious person by any means, anyone who has spent five minutes in my presence can attest to that. I also have a hard time lying because in the past it's never worked for me. I live my life by way of right and wrong and what little I know of karma. So for anyone to question my actions, my loyalty as a friend or human decency is quite the slap in the face - especially when what I have spoken about has nothing to do with said person. But being the good-natured gal that I am and also possessing compassion, I took down any and all writings that came close to the topic(s) that were discussed.

I've been thinking about what I did and why I did it and I'm extremely irritated with myself more than I am with this ex-friend. I'm upset because I compromised myself, and for lack of a better description, my art, to appease obviously the wrong person and with each occasion that I think about this, the more I feel wrong for not standing strong to my passion and fervor for the written word DESPITE the topic at hand. I don't need to get into amendment rights and all that hoopla, but now I understand more than ever why journalists, authors, television and radio persona demand their freedom of speech. I think everyone should have their say and if I want to write about shit on a shingle I should be afforded that opportunity without persuasion from any entity.

I understand that some things written and said in this world of media may become offensive, and I comprehend that words can hurt - but that is not the intention of my voice, I'm simply not that calculating an individual to hide and misrepresent anything that befalls this keyboard. My character was questioned and my friendship challenged, and in the end, despite anything, I was the one who was compromised, not them. Any friend who tells me not to write about them, is apparantly not a friend of mine. Moreso and in addition, anything I write is offhand and done by curiosty and notion, not by malevolent enthusiasm. Those closest to my heart know this fact without it being a spoken word.

It will be a conscious decision that I must remind and reprimand myself on a constant basis that there is no more negotiation of my writing. It's not up for discussion and edit at will. My thoughts, feelings and adventures (if you will), are mine and mine alone. Read this as a disclaimer, warning or caveat, I could give a rat's ass, but everyone know this......ask questions, I'll tell no lies, but from this moment on, take it, leave it, go fuck it......that's your decision and your God given right, but don't rain on my parade due to your own insecurities and inner torment that you bestow negatively upon yourself. There is no conspiracy theory here, you are not a target....puhhlease you are not that important.

Thank you and good night......Elvis has left the building.

Nothing is new, yet everything is new.....does that make sense? I've been house sitting and dog sitting for my parents the last few days and all this alone time has me feeling like I need out. I've been feeling this way for awhile now, but it wasn't as apparent as it has been the last few days. I've been helping my parents with money and whatnot, but they'll only keep accepting the help as long as I'm there. I love them dearly, but I think I have to live my life now. I'm stronger than ever, I have a great network of friends and life is completely drama free, a bit mundane at times, but I'll take it compared to what I've been through. I've already begun a small search of what is available in the area and although it might be a struggle, its a chance I have to take.

++++++++++++++++++++

I've been a little depressed lately finding myself crying at sad moments while watching a movie (never happened before). I don't exactly know why either. I mean I'm lonely at times, but that's not exactly it. I can deal with lonliness, I can deal with no man in my life, but something is missing. Perhaps the moving into an apartment will help me feel less stale and more in charge of my life. I definitely am itching for a change lately. I tend to get restless when my life is in one spot for too long. Does that mean I'll be looking for a new job? Not sure, but ya never know. All I do know is that I'm craving change in a baaaaaad way.

++++++++++++++++++++

Tomorrow is my traditional excusion with my sister to the Bon Jovi concert at Giant's Stadium. Growing up I was a HUGE Jovi fan (who wasn't) and my very first concert was with my sister so it became tradition rather fast. I'm totally looking forward to getting LOADED with her - what else is new?

++++++++++++++++++++

And that's about it for now. A little lame, but I had to throw something up. I promise something good will be written soon.

FYI

TGIF mo fo's.....I'm away all next week opting last minute to get in on a shore house. Get this, I'm paying $229 for 7 days of fun, sun, boozing and lots of half nekid men. One word: Nice. I need this after the two weeks of immature hell I've been through. I'm looking forward to drinking WAY too much, laughing WAY too hard and hopefully getting in on some summer lovin......WHOOP OH BOY!!! Ooooo think I can meet my Danny Zuko? HEY NOW.

Have a great holiday and I'll totally give you an update of the coming week when I get back. GOOD LORD I can't even begin to imagine what kind of trouble I'm going to get myself into this week.....

Misunderstood

This….this is me. Today’s post is about yours truly….I’m letting you in, look at my soft pink underbelly….be gentle, its exposed for a rare moment.

There is such a thing as a mistake, there is such a thing as a misunderstanding and there is such a thing as truly apologizing. These aren’t vast epic myths, they do in fact happen.

Misunderstandings are the lack of communication. I am a communications major, I want to write, I want to produce and create. Telling me I can’t have my say is like telling me I can’t breathe. It’s the most frustrating thing for me if I can’t connect with another individual that I am interacting with. Sure there are stupid ignoramuses that you can’t help, but if you’re my friend, or someone I am dating, if I can’t speak my word, forget it….call me Crank Sinatra. I try, I make attempts, I look at it from every angle and I aim with earnest to get you to see my point. I’ll draw a diagram, I’ll write a letter, I’ll speak until I’m blue in the face, Oh my God, my friend Phil’s wine parties are perfect examples, we’ve almost attacked each other from across the table, but in the end, we concede to realize each other has a valid point. (Loving you Phil).

This is the most important thing to me, being understood and conveying my message so that you say, “Gotchya.” I pride myself on being able to bond with another individual, its gratifying that I know that we talk, that we see eye to eye on all different levels, not just basic fundamentals of hello how are you.

Recently I was misunderstood to the point of tears…literally. I felt like my legs and arms were tied, my mouth taped shut, my breathing felt shallow, a lifeline cut. I can’t help anyone’s perception of me, especially when not given the opportunity to explain further. I don’t like it when people play judge and jury without a trial and evidence. Its happened at work plenty of times, but personally it’s a rare occurrence, thus making it harder to chew. Its exasperating and energy zapping, fortunate for me I have patience and lots of it. I bide my time and I wait….dust settles, tempers go down and then I can speak. I wont’ fight, I refuse to because it gets you no where.

After you’ve been put through the ringer, lied to, cheated on, wounded, dragged through pits of despair, you become jaded and believing the best in someone doesn’t happen ever again. So sad because it becomes second nature to push away rather than accept. Disheartening because the good doesn’t prevail over the wicked processes of the brain, the conscious overcomes the subconscious….negativity dominates the good stuff resulting in loss that wasn’t needed or ever wanted. Why believe the good when its so much easier to believe the bad? Unfortunately that’s what happens….your sentimentality disintegrates thus throwing up that “wall” I keep talking about in previous posts. Its scary because you can throw up a wall against the wrong person because all the other times you’ve thought “this is it” – it didn’t quite pan out, hurt was eminent.

Sigh…..

Communication is important, it has to occur. I said the other day, you have to build a good foundation and make sure there is upkeep to maintain a healthy relationship, but if the communication is lacking, then that foundation crumbles like it was infested with termites….it won’t happen right away, but slowly it will rot. Sometimes the damage has been done and that conscious decision to walk away can’t be retracted – is it pride? Could it be hurt? Laziness? Perhaps we didn’t care enough to begin with? Is it a ferocious cycle that we can’t break? I mean we all have our patterns, one can only wonder and most won’t take the time to recognize.

In today’s society its hard enough to find your own little piece of self amongst the mucky muck of civilization. Being able to acknowledge, forgive and forget becomes second to self-gratification because the certainty of being right is that great. Being misunderstood winds up being something you have to swallow despite great efforts to prove otherwise. This time I have to take my own advice, the same advice I gave “George” and my friend Nicole, it blows big monkey pole, but I concede defeat and lay the issue to rest.

So sad because that’s not what I wanted, but then again, we don’t always get what we want in life now do we?

Unfuckingbelievable

WARNING: This post contains violence and graphic content. R-Rated

Drama now finds me....I mind my business, I live my life by right and wrong, good and bad. I say please and thank you, I treat people the way I want to be treated, but it is all for naught because drama still seems to find me. However, this time around I put both fingers up and say fuck you, I ain't dealing.

This guy I knew approached me about dating him and I did just that because he was someone I knew, he was funny, polite, had his shit together, he could be a bit of a dick, but I kind of need that in order to keep me in line. He has a busy schedule, I don't get to see or talk to him much. Fine by me, I don't want anyone up my ass - as far as I was concerned, it was a perfect relationship in the making. But then I wrote the post "Mediocre" and I posted it here and on my MySpace blog - little did I know that the mutha f'er was stalking my MySpace website. I'm not shitting you. He not only stalks my site for content, but I think he also stalks those of my friends. Yes if you are my friend and you leave me a comment - he clicks on your profile to see who you are, and what I've commented in return.

Can we say insecure?

Right away he comes down on me for writing the post "mediocre" and "the love letter" stating that mediocre was "all about him" and "the love letter" was just plain disrespectful. I don't even know where to begin explaining this.

First, the mediocre post was not about him. Ok that might be stretching the truth - at first I had reservations about dating him, but I went with it and was rather happy for the first time in a long time. Someone poised the question to me about dating and settling - so I took the idea and ran with it....and to be honest I got a TON of feedback from it, apparently I'm not the only one in this world who feels you shouldn't settle - but whatever. When I re-read that post and put myself in his shoes I understood the misconception and I profusely apologized for it....but he wouldn't hear it and when I say he wouldn't hear it, I mean that literally. He would NOT talk to me via phone or in person - opting to ignore me and play judge and jury with no trial. The only way he would talk to me was via text. What the fuck is that? Ok fine, I gave him space, I played his game of texting and apologized, not once, not twice, but three times on three separate occasions. After a whole week of not talking - he finally sends me a text this past Tuesday.

A text???? You want a relationship with me and your form of communication is texting? Fuck that shit. I gave up on Sunday, this ain't flying with me.....at all. I tried, you snubbed it, I'd have to be a complete moron to continue trying....you're shit wasn't that fly bro.

He most likely contacted me because Tuesday morning I changed my status from "in a relationship" on myspace to "single" - it was a whole week of not hearing from him, what was I supposed to do? Sit and wait for him? Rot away for someone who doesn't have the decency to contact me and listen to me? If I stayed with him, would this have been a trend for things to come? It was a simple misunderstanding, I can't imagine what a real fight with real emotions and problems would be like. Thanks, but no thanks. If I've learned anything from Ted its that I will not wait for anyone. I apologized for a foul up, he didn't take it, I'm not putting my life on hold - shit or get off the pot buddy.

Since he is a stalker of sorts, he sees my status change and TEXTS ME about it (TEXTING IS THE DEVIL!!!). I'm not dealing with that bullshit - no way. And the best part - I'm the villian. I'm the bad guy - yet I've never been able to plead my case, we haven't uttered ONE word to each other, yet I'm the one whose fault this all is. He's pissed because I gave up - uh hello MCFLY!!! Last time you were in contact with me was Saturday night and you're pissed at me? Hell to the NO!!!

Delusional? Definitely. Insecure? Totally. Manipulative? Completely.

I am sooooo glad that I know when its time to walk away. I am so glad I didn't sit on my fat Italian ass waiting for him and I'm happy I didn't invest so much in him. I'm proud of myself because a year ago I would've been a ball of stress worrying about pleasing him. I'd be sitting here complaining to you, my readers, about how unfair life is and why can't I catch a break. BUT NO MORE - no mas - Mer doesn't deal with this shit anymore. I've been saying it for awhile now and this is proof positive that I've changed. One word: awesome.

Time to Throw in the Towel

When is it time to throw in the towel? When is it time to say enough is enough? Reading your gut is always a good idea, I mean your first instinct is usually the right choice, but still there comes a time when its shit or get off the pot. There is only so much apologizing, so much fighting and so much stubbornness one can take before you have to say to yourself its time to walk away.

The only way to continue and move on is to know that you put in a good effort, that you fought the battle but lost the war. Each side is correct in their own right – when it comes to feelings, each party’s view is valid, you can’t help the way you feel, but you can help the outcome. Unfortunately, one or the other will not concede defeat and make the decision that perhaps being allies is easier than butting heads. Seeing it as a fault and not as a mistake can carry it to a high level escalading into a larger grand scheme snowballing to utter disappointment when it all could have been alleviated rather quickly with the simple acceptance of an apology….if the apology was a sincere one.

A good friend of mine from high school, we’ll refer to as Pete, has been trying to reconcile with his girl for the last 9 months. I see her point as to why she would not want to be with him anymore, the break up was his decision and you should live with the decisions you make that sculpt your future, but realizing it was a blunder to let her go, he has tried relentlessly to rectify the situation. Nine months of patiently waiting for her because he loves her that much….however she is scared of being hurt again. I see her position and it’s a sound and valid point she has…..I side with her on that, no doubt. However, he’s shown her no good reason why they shouldn’t get back together. He’s tried to talk, he’s apologized he’s even altered his life style a bit to fit her needs and wants. He’s taken her out, tried to start from scratch again doing it slowly…one step forward….three steps back. They’ve been together on and off, but at some point I have to say to him, I think its time to walk away my friend, she’s not pushing to be with you – read the signs, its time to make a decision that is best for you.

Earlier in life I would have struggled with something like that. I would have begged and pleaded trying to relay the message that love conquers all and rooting for the home team to win. But does love conquer all? Didn’t Patty Smyth and Don Henley say, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough?”

In cases of intense love, the hurt runs deep and an apology isn’t enough….that’s when the damage has been done and its time to accept and move on. It’s the death of a relationship, tragic in its own right, what we learn from it helps with how we will cope. I don’t want Pete to give up, but I don’t want him to be a glutton for punishment either. He has every right to happiness and if that means being alone for a while longer, then so be it. Everything happens for a reason.

I received great advice from this wild source once….my mother. She told me that “love doesn’t’ hurt and it shouldn’t be hard.” I want to elaborate on that, yes it can be trying, but it shouldn’t be hard. The foundation should be easy and it takes constant work, but when you have instances, complicated occurrences such as this, simply go back to basics. Start with what you know of right and wrong. There is no dissecting, there shouldn’t be intricate notions and ideas – its all basics. When there is a sticky situation – and in this case you are the one making the decision – ask yourself – do I profoundly love them? Do I want to be with them? If the answer is yes, its simple – get off your high horse, take the plunge and eff it. Geronimo. Custards last stand man….go for it. At least then you know you’ve tried and you don’t spend the next few months….even years wondering “What if.” God I hate the “what if” factor. Kills me every time – however if you went back to basics, you put your best foot forward, walking away is easier. Pete, you tried and you get mad props for it. Most men would have walked away a long time ago, but you’re efforts at a reconciliation aren’t being met. You’re not a bad person if you walk away. Take pride in the fact that you’ve tried, but do yourself a favor and make the decision instead of waiting for the decision to be made for you.

I’ve been there, I’ve held on so tight my knuckles turned white, but in the end I was still left alone. Tom tried to make amends, but when I finally took that stand I felt better, empowered….I stopped being the victim. I guess when you make that final decision, you have to be fully aware and ready that they won’t come knocking on your door again….don’t let it hurt your ego, let it fuel your decision that it simply.....in all honesty…..was not meant to be.

Downer

Ever feel so utterly dejected and down that if you think too hard or analyze too much you might actually stop breathing? Ever feel so lost you don't want to face the world; crawling back into bed to sleep away the anxiety, hurt and pain is so much more realistic than facing life. I see people here at work and they smile and make pleasantries and I want to just ONCE punch someone square in the face to get out the frustration and anger. Volunteers? Anyone? I want to make them feel as horrid and wretched as I do.

God its like someone is sitting on my chest right now. I want to run out of here kicking, screaming, arms flailing for the mere fact that I have to get out this tenstion that is building within me. My blood pressure must be sky rocketing right now. I teeter between no motivation and wanting to scream. One minute I feel as if I could cry, the next I want to beat the living piss out of the next person who crosses me. Its awful and I feel defenseless and enraged mixed together in a giant bouncing ball of nerves.

Carrying on is inevitable until this hurdle is passed because I don't know what else to do with myself. I've been painted into a corner with no escape and waiting for the paint to dry is killing me. Its completely and totally destroying my innards to the point of nauseous insanity. I am normally cool and collected - ok fine, I'm a little zainy at times, but usually nothing bothers me. THIS is bothering me. Shit yes.